


Long Train Runnin'

by captainshakespear, illiadeum (Zombias)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Multi, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:38:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 60,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3513899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainshakespear/pseuds/captainshakespear, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombias/pseuds/illiadeum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is just some guy Kaidan sees sometimes on the subway home from work, all the way up until he isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan notices the guy with a hoodie on the subway, and then it rains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted to [tumblr](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/113189735122). The lovely captainshakespear added as co-author because she helped me way too much this first chapter not to deserve credit (plus she's writing later chapters).

The first time he meets Shepard, he doesn't even meet him. Hell, he barely even notices him at first. This isn’t a sappy romance novel where he sees him across the train and thinks,  _yeah, this is the guy of my dreams, the one I'm meant to be with_.He just sees a guy in an old hoodie with his headphones on. He doesn’t really think anything about it except  _he’s kinda hot_  and  _his hair is really short, I wonder if he’s in the military_  before Kaidan arrives at his station and gets off the train to meet Liara for dinner at her apartment.

The second time he sees Shepard, it’s exactly one day later and Kaidan notices a long cut across his cheek that he doesn’t think was there yesterday. When he notices how tight the man’s grip is on the pole, he wonders how long it’s been there, how fresh it is, if he was just in a fight. He only realises he’s been staring for far too long when the man catches him in the act, meeting his eyes. He looks decidedly away and pointedly doesn’t think about how blue they are for the rest of the day.

By the fifth time, Kaidan decides, yes, okay, he’s definitely really hot. The ninth time, he walks onto the train to find the man staring at him — or maybe through him, Kaidan can’t really tell at first. It isn’t until the man looks quickly away and rubs the stubble on his face that he decides, yes, the man was staring at  _him_. Kaidan feels a little hot under the collar all the way until his station — or,  _their_  station, he finds out, after which he books it back to his and Ash’s apartment. When she sees the look on his face and asks him what happened, she laughs for no less than 2 minutes.

After that, Kaidan starts losing count. Sometimes their train rides intersect three days in a row, other times he won’t see him for a week. Either way, the man becomes a staple in his rides back home, a familiar presence, oddly reassuring.

One night, after what must be Kaidan’s longest, most gruelling day at work in years, he feels a migraine pushing for his attention right behind his eyes. The noise of the subway becomes far too loud, echoing a distant pain in his head, and he has to keep his eyes on the ground to avoid the too-bright fluorescent lights of the subway at night.

It isn’t until he’s already sat down that he realises he sat down next to  _him._

The man’s wearing the same hoodie as always, zipped all the way up, headphones in and hands stuffed into the pockets of his hoodie. His eyes are closed, head leaned back against the side of the train. It’s only then Kaidan realises his hair has gotten longer since he first saw him months ago — not nearly as long as Kaidan’s, but definitely not his usual buzz. It’s just long enough to look soft to the touch.

Kaidan looks away, focusing on the dirty subway floor instead of on the sharpness of the man’s cheekbones. He tries to think about all the papers he has to grade for his students, how many tests he has to grade before Monday.

When the train jostles just right, their knees knock together, and Kaidan knows he must be making a pretty weird face because the toddler across the way won’t stop staring at him. Kaidan sticks his tongue out at her, prompting her to laugh before sticking her tongue out back at him. It feels like an accomplishment when she looks back to her mom with a big smile on her face.

The intercom crackles into life above him, announcing his station. The man’s station, too.

Kaidan licks his lips, glancing to the man next to him. His eyes are still closed, his face peaceful.

“Hey,” Kaidan says, gently, before he realises that’s the opposite of what tone of voice he needs. “Hey,” he begins again, reaching out to jostle the man with a hand to the shoulder, “This is our stop.”

The man startles awake at his touch and Kaidan feels his heart skip a beat when those blue eyes immediately find his — partially because the man’s sudden jerk awake startled him too, and partially because his eyes are just so damn  _blue_.

“This is our stop,” Kaidan repeats, voice gentle again. He’s not really sure the man can hear him over his headphones, but the man seems to understand him regardless, nodding and sitting up more in his seat.

“Thanks,” the man says, voice gravelly with sleep. He sits up more, shifts, then leans forward and presses his forearms into his knees. He glances back at Kaidan, and for a moment Kaidan thinks he’s going to say something when he quickly looks away again. Across the way, he hears the little girl from before laughing again. He follows the sound to see her looking their way, and that she’s laughing at a face the man beside him is making.

When the train pulls up to the station, Kaidan tries to get off as fast as possible – not quick enough to miss the wave the man gives to the girl before he gets up too, and definitely not quick enough to stifle the thought that,  _oh no, he’s hot_ and _good with kids._

“Someone seems happy,” Ash notes when she takes plates out of the cabinet for Kaidan to place their dinner onto. Kaidan shrugs, trying to be nonchalant, but instead of dropping it — like he’d even really expected her to in the first place — she laughs and asks, “Is it Hot Subway Guy?”

Kaidan shrugs again, picking up the pan to distribute their stir fry evenly.

“From the twisty thing your mouth is doing, I know I’m right,” Ash says, taking her plate and sitting down on the other side of the counter.

“He’s so hot, though — you’d understand if you saw him,” Kaidan sighs, reaching around to grab them forks out of the drawer. “His cheekbones are sharp enough that I’ve been wondering if they could be used as lethal weapons. Like, if he laid his head on my stomach, how long would I have to be in the hospital?”

There’s a pause, and that’s when Kaidan turns back to see his roommate grinning at him.

“You’ve thought about him laying his head on your stomach?”

“Oh my God,” Kaidan groans, “Don’t—”

“You’re in  _so_  deep and you don’t even know his  _name_ ,” Ash laughs, teasing.

“I hate you.”

“Shut up, K, you love me.”

“I’d sell you to Satan for less than 10 credits. Hell, he can just  _take_  you for all I care.”

Ash’s laugh is bright and loud, and Kaidan doesn’t think he’s smiled so wide while he blushed so hard since he was a teenager. It’s a good day.

The next day, not so much.

The rain is the heaviest they’ve had in weeks, coming down hard enough that it feels more like thousands of tiny bullets than it does water droplets. He feels lucky that he checked the forecast that morning and brought his raincoat, and even more lucky that he thought to keep a spare umbrella in his desk at the school all those months ago at the beginning of the school year. The combination of both means he doesn’t need to run to the station on his way back home.

On the way there, though, he sees a familiar face — or, rather, a familiar hoodie, seeing as he’s walking in front of Kaidan with his hood up, obscuring his face from view. But who else in the world would wear a hoodie with a red and white stripe down only  _one_  sleeve? Did anyone else wear asymmetrical clothing?

For a moment, Kaidan feels bad for the guy — only a hoodie in this weather? He must be soaked — before he realises he’s wearing a raincoat  _and_  holding an umbrella.

After a moment of indecision, Kaidan runs to catch up with him.

“Hey!” He calls out, trying to get the man’s attention, hoping he doesn’t have his headphones on so he can hear him. It takes a second  _hey_  before he turns around and sees Kaidan — he  _doesn’t_  have his headphones in, Kaidan’s surprised to see — and another moment before Kaidan catches up and brings the open umbrella over both their heads.

“You look like you could use this,” Kaidan says, offering him the handle of the umbrella.

For a long moment, the man just looks at him, maybe surprised, maybe considering, before he looks up to the umbrella above them.

“I’m not taking your umbrella,” he says, looking back down to Kaidan.

“Well, I’ve got a raincoat  _and_  an umbrella,” Kaidan points out, shrugging one shoulder. “You’ve only got a hoodie, and it’s not like I need both.”

The man shuffles from foot to foot while considering, finally reaching up to accept the handle of the umbrella from Kaidan with a nod and a quiet  _thank you_. He leaves the umbrella over both of their heads, and Kaidan smiles at him.

“Let’s go — don’t want to miss the train,” Kaidan offers, nodding in the direction of the subway. The man nods again and they begin to walk off together to the subway, the man leaving the umbrella over them the whole time. After a couple moments, Kaidan speaks up again. “I’m Kaidan, by the way. Kaidan Alenko.”

“Kaidan,” the man says, sounding like he’s testing the name out, seeing how it sounds. Kaidan decides he likes the way it sounds coming from his mouth — then quickly pushes the thought aside. “Shepard — John Shepard, but just Shepard is fine.”

“Just Shepard, huh?” Kaidan smirks.

“Yeah,” he says, smiling sideways at him, “Just Shepard.”

“Well, Just Shepard,” Kaidan says, making Shepard huff a laugh and rolls his eyes, “It’s nice to actually meet you.”

“Nice to actually meet you too,” Shepard replies, and there’s something about the way he says it and the way he smiles that makes Kaidan’s stomach roll.

Past that, though, Kaidan is stuck with what to say to him. It’s not like he can really make a passing comment about the weather at this point. At least they’re close to the train station.

“Is there any reason you go by Shepard?” Kaidan asks.

“Not particularly, I guess,” Shepard shrugs. When he does, the umbrella moves just slightly, dislodging the rain just so that it lands on Kaidan’s heels as they walk. “John’s a pretty common name, but who else do you know that’s named Shepard?”

“Dogs mostly,” Kaidan suggests, earning a laugh from the other man.

“Very funny,” Shepard grants him, probably only half sarcastically, and Kaidan tips his head in acknowledgement. “I’ve just gone by my last name for a long time. Works well with the job, too.”

“Really? What do you do?”

“I’m a detective at the precinct nearby,” Shepard says with a half-shrug that only slightly jostles the rain off the umbrella.

“Detective Shepard,” Kaidan repeats, more to himself than Shepard. “Very impressive.”

Shepard just tilts his head in a manner that resembles a shrug — he must be learning what happens every time he shrugs. Kaidan doesn’t think about how wet his left sock feels.

“What about you?” Shepard asks.

“Me? Oh, I’m a teacher at the high school,” Kaidan answers, partially bracing for the inevitable  _why the hell are you a teacher_ and  _how much money do you make?_ Worse yet, the  _are you a biotic?_

Instead, Shepard surprises him.

“At the high school by the precinct? The biotic one?” He asks. He sounds excited. That’s the most surprising part.

“Yes,” Kaidan confirms, slightly wary and slightly elated by the tone in Shepard’s voice.

“We work right next to each other,” Shepard points out with a laugh. “Maybe I’ll come pick you up in the police vehicle some time.”

“Oh God, please don’t,” Kaidan says, laughing. “My students would never let me live it down.”

“Fine, fine,” Shepard concedes. “What do you teach?”

“Science,” Kaidan answers with a half shrug. “Mostly biology and chemistry, but they occasionally rope me into taking over the engineering courses when no one else wants to. Well, mostly when Liara coerces me to.”

“Liara?”

“Co-worker,” Kaidan clarifies.

“Pretty name,” Shepard nods.

“Pretty woman.”

“You into her?” Shepard asks after a brief moment, raising one eyebrow at him as they turn into the station.

“Into Liara? No, no. Just art appreciation, you know?” Kaidan shrugs as Shepard takes a step away from him to close the umbrella. Kaidan would lament the space but Shepard steps right back, offering him the umbrella.

“Here, thanks for letting me use it,” Shepard says, holding up the umbrella for him to take, but Kaidan just shakes his head, waving his hand and the umbrella away.

“Just keep it, Shepard,” Kaidan replies as he turns away from him, walking towards the station terminal, forcing Shepard to keep the umbrella if he wants to keep up with him. “You need it more than I do. Raincoat, remember?”

“I’m not going to take your umbrella, Kaidan,” Shepard says, repeating his earlier statement. This time, his voice is lower. Almost intimate.

“That’s what you said before,” Kaidan laughs. “And yet here you are, with my umbrella in your hand.” Shepard makes what sounds like a small, grumbly noise as they step onto the platform to wait for the train and Kaidan laughs even louder. “Tough it out, detective, I’ve got other umbrellas back at my apartment, so it’s not like I’m missing out on it or anything.”

“Still, I feel bad,” Shepard admits, shifting from foot to foot and rubbing the back of his neck. Kaidan does  _not_  watch the movement.

“I feel bad seeing you look like a drowned rat.”

“I’ve been in worse.”

Shepard doesn’t clarify. The train roars down the track, covering up anything they would have said anyway.

They step onto the train together, and when Kaidan chooses a seat, Shepard sits down next to him, umbrella placed between them as he reaches into one of the pockets of his hoodie. When he pulls out his headphones, he looks to Kaidan, offering him one. “Wanna listen?”

“What do you usually listen to?” Kaidan asks, but he’s already taking the headphone, his fingers brushing Shepard’s. He doesn't feel a wave of giddiness roll through his stomach at the touch, the chill of Shepard’s fingers from holding the umbrella.

“Uh, everything I guess,” Shepard answers, waving a hand to pull up his omnitool as Kaidan places the earbud into his ear. “Mostly a fan of rap and classic rock, if you’re into that.”

“Classic rock is good, but I guess I’ll try anything once,” he agrees with a nod, leaning closer to Shepard to try and see what song he might pick. Shepard moves to put his own earbud in, and Kaidan can feel the movement against him. He doesn't think about how often Shepard must work out to have arms and shoulders like those, how little effort it might take him to pick up a guy Kaidan’s weight or more.

“Aye-aye,” Shepard breathes out as he selects the shuffle option, and Kaidan can’t help but laugh just a little at how  _cop_  that makes him sound as  _Hooked on a Feeling_  filters through the headphone in his ear.

When the train jostles into life to pull out of the station and their knees bump one another briefly, Kaidan chalks it up to the momentum of the train and nothing more.

If that night Ash notices the extra pep in his step while cooking them dinner, she doesn’t say anything about it, and for once Kaidan is grateful. He can feel like an idiot about his dumb crush all by himself.

The next day is cool and dry, but Kaidan pulls one of his extra umbrellas and stuffs it into his school bag regardless. When he gets to his desk at work and thinks about placing it directly into the drawer to fill in for the one he gave Shepard, he hesitates before placing it back in his bag. It proves itself useful that night when Shepard walks up to Kaidan on the train and offers him his umbrella back, allowing Kaidan to pull out his own with a smirk. The grin Shepard tries so hard to stifle as he sits down next to him and offers him a headphone is worth every moment of hesitation Kaidan had that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard gets in a fight and Kaidan makes fun of his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for posting this weeks and weeks later. Hopefully updates won't take this long in the future, this chapter was just hard for us to nail down and think of what to do. More coming up soon! [also on tumblr here](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/115483823387)

A month after Kaidan really meets Shepard for the first time, Kaidan finds himself sitting at his desk, staring at a pile of papers he needs to grade. One basic lab report and one test. The tests themselves will be easy to grade - tests that are predominantly multiple choice always are - just tedious and time-consuming, and he’d like to return them within at least two days. He remembers being a student: the waiting to get a grade back can be nerve-wracking and he knows it. Sometimes, how your teachers view you is all you really have, especially when said teachers are funded by Alliance research expenditures and you want to be placed within a certain Alliance squadron, but that’s not the point. The point is that Kaidan knows he’s going to be up all night grading papers.

Instead of getting started, he packs all the papers into his bag, grabs a spare red pen just in case, and leaves to catch the train, hoping he'll catch Shepard.

Of course, Kaidan can’t be sure if Shepard will ever be there or not. Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t. Still, that never keeps him from feeling the small twinge of disappointment when he doesn’t run into Shepard on the way to the station, and this time is no exception. Sitting down on the train without the other man in his old hoodie feels strange, almost lonely, and the thought of that alone is enough to make Kaidan feel embarrassed, a harboured crush gone too far. Maybe, Kaidan thinks, it’s better that the train takes off without Shepard to leave him to reevaluate himself - he barely knows the guy, after all.

So it’s just Kaidan’s luck when the train announces _doors are closing, please stand back_ and Shepard jumps through the doors of the terminal and onto the train, stumbles a bit as the train lurches forward, and looks around a little frantically before meeting Kaidan’s eyes.

That’s when Kaidan notices the cuts all along his face, the black eye, the just-a-little-too-red nose.

“Shepard,” Kaidan says, voice filled with worry, “Shepard, your face. What happened? Are you okay?”

“Handsome, isn’t it?” Shepard laughs as he walks over and sits down next to him, sounding just a little winded, like maybe he ran his way here.

“What happened?” Kaidan asks, eyes scanning the other man’s face and trying to piece it all together. Sure, he’d seen him with cuts before - a couple times, actually, mostly before they really met - but this looks more like Shepard got involved in a fight and took a couple solid hits.

Some with a knife.

“Partner and I chased down a guy who ran off while we were trying to ask him questions about this investigation we’re doing,” Shepard explains, rather succinctly. “He was a runner, that’s for sure - and a knife-wielder, too. Those guys are never any fun.”

“You have a black eye, Shepard,” Kaidan points out. “You look more like you’ve been in a bar fight than a knife fight.”

“You don’t think I could hold my own in a bar fight?” Shepard asks with a laugh. He’s clearly trying to deflect and Kaidan knows it, so he levels him with a look that makes him continue. “Well, once you take out the knife, there’s still the fists to deal with. He knocked me one, gave me a black eye and a bloody nose. Garrus patched me up after we took him in.”

“Garrus?”

“My partner in anti-crime,” Shepard clarifies.

“Hm. Did you hit this guy back?” Kaidan wonders aloud. Shepard shakes his head.

“We can’t use physical force unless absolutely necessary - defense only - and punching a guy in the face doesn’t exactly qualify as ‘defense only.’” Shepard shrugs and gives a small laugh, rolling his shoulders back and continuing, “Though I’m sure Garrus would’ve cheered me on if I did.”

“Sounds like hell of a guy,” Kaidan comments, eyebrows raised.

“Sure is. Best partner a guy could ask for,” Shepard agrees with a small nod, then makes a face that makes Kaidan laugh, just a little, as he adds on, “Don’t tell him I said that though. That damn turian doesn’t need a bigger head than he already has.”

“Will do, detective,” Kaidan nods, smiling, and Shepard grins wide at him. “But are you sure you’re okay?”

“Took worse beatings than this back when,” Shepard says, then cuts him off before Kaidan can ask him what _back when_ means. “How are you, Kaidan?”

“Tired,” he answers, rolling his head back and slumping down in his seat just a little before feeling uncomfortable and sitting back upright to look down at his bag full of papers. “But I have all these papers I need to grade before my students get upset and ask me when they’ll get them back.”

“How long does that usually take? For them to start asking.”

“Two days tops,” Kaidan laughs quietly. “I’m not one to put off getting things done and out of the way either, but my students could probably use a lesson in patience more than anything, especially since a lot of them want into Alliance at the end of all this.”

“The school’s Alliance-funded too, right?”

“Sure is,” Kaidan nods.

“Does that make you Alliance?” Shepard asks.

“Technically I am, yeah,” Kaidan answers, then tips his head, considering the question more. “Or was, maybe. It’s kind of up in the air. I was on the frontline before I got injured, and I’m one of the only biotics Alliance has that has mastered offensive _and_ defensive combat, so they roped me into teaching while I recovered.”

“How long has it been since then?”

“Four and a half years,” Kaidan says, then chuckles. “Guess they liked me too much to restation me, and considering I’m one of only two human teachers at the school… must be hard to let me go."

“I’ll say,” Shepard laughs, and there’s something about it that makes Kaidan’s heart flutter. He tries to stamp down the feeling; Shepard’s a smart guy, tactical and efficient if his position as detective is anything to go by. He’d see the strategy in keeping Kaidan at the school a mile away.

“You ever miss it?” Shepard asks, cutting him off from consciously pushing his feelings out of the way.

“Sure,” Kaidan says, letting out the word in a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. “I miss the action. Didn’t think I was cut out for teaching long-term, but… it’s nice. I love the students and helping them get prepared for their futures, especially if it means humanity gives biotics a second chance rather than just a stigma. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the field though.”

“I know what you mean,” Shepard supplies and Kaidan smiles at him.

“Had a feeling you would.” That gets Shepard to reciprocate the smile, long and slow. Kaidan has to force himself to look away so he doesn't stare.

"So, the students live on campus, don’t they? But teachers don’t, I’m guessing?”

“The students do, yeah, but most of my coworkers don’t. Only a few teachers remain on campus, some to watch the dorms and some either for security reasons or because it was offered as part of their contract. Cheaper than paying for every teacher to live in the city.”

“Security reasons?” Shepard sounds a little concerned, like there’s a hint of _should I have known about this_ hidden in there somewhere.

“To watch over the students, I mean,” Kaidan clarifies. “Not because the teachers are biotics. Students in their late teens and early twenties who live in co-ed dormitories can be… a hassle.”

“Even if they were same-sex dorms, I’m sure it would still be... a hassle,” Shepard points out, taking the same pause in his words that Kaidan had for emphasis.

“True, but there would be far less sneaking around - the two boys or two girls could request each other as roommates and we’d be none the wiser. I’m sure it happens regardless of if our dorms are co-ed or not. But at least there wouldn’t be any boys sneaking into the women’s bathroom at two in the morning, and way less boys’ asses for Jack to kick come morning.”

Shepard laughs loudly, a bright, happy sound, then turns back to him to ask, “And Jack is?”

“The only other human biotic at the school,” Kaidan replies. “How they roped her into being a teacher I’ll never know, but I’ll be damned if she hasn’t whipped these kids into shape.”

“Wait,” Shepard says all of a sudden, causing Kaidan to turn more toward him in surprise. “Are you allowed to be telling me all this?”

“The school isn’t classified, so it’s all public knowledge,” Kaidan shrugs.

“Okay, well, that’s good to know. I thought I was going to have to arrest you for divulging Alliance secrets,” Shepard nudges Kaidan with his elbow, making him snort.

“I’ll let you know when you need to,” Kaidan jokes. After that, Kaidan asks Shepard how the rest of his day had gone - the parts around getting punched in the face - and Shepard launches into a story about Garrus getting run down by a particularly slobbery varren earlier in the day. By the time the train pulls up to their station, Kaidan’s sides hurt from laughing. They fall into companionable silence - or maybe purposeful silence on Shepard’s part, to allow Kaidan time long enough to gather himself from laughter - as they step out onto the terminal together, Shepard stuffing his hands into his hoodie pockets and Kaidan mimicking him with the pockets of his coat, his bag slung over his shoulder and across his chest. Every step he takes reminds me of the papers inside, waiting to be graded. He should have started when he was still at the school.

“You have quite the life, Shepard,” Kaidan comments as they move towards the terminal’s stairs, a smirk creeping onto his lips as he points at Shepard’s face, “And you should really put some ice on that.”

“Thanks for pointing that out,” Shepard huffs in a small laugh as they begin up the stairs and out of the station. “I thought about just leaving it there, impress a girl or something.”

Kaidan’s stomach drops and he pushes the feeling down, stomping it out.

“Women like men with scars, maybe just not ones that are _currently_ bleeding,” he quips, perhaps a little more harshly than he intended, but Shepard laughs regardless, assuring him that he merely sounds teasing instead.

“You seemed to be impressed, at least,” Shepard smirks, nudging him with an elbow. “At least a little?”

“Good night, Shepard,” Kaidan says as they reach the top of the stairs in lieu of a reply, and he can’t help being at least a little teasing about it, despite his seriousness and his want to get away from his feelings right now. Shepard’s smile before he turns away is worth that much at least.

“Good night, Kaidan,” Shepard replies, and Kaidan can hear the gentle smile in his voice, no longer poking fun, just quiet. The walk back to his apartment is filled with that thought, the friendly note of his voice and the idea that Shepard might only be interested in women.

It wouldn’t be the first time Kaidan’s been interested in a straight man, and it probably wouldn’t be the last either. Of course, that all depends on if Shepard is straight. It isn’t a topic you just broach with a guy you only ever hang out with on the train home from work. Even with people you’ve been friends with for years, even if it’s the hundredth time you’ve come out to someone, it’s never easy, never simple. It’s easy to think of the words, having said them a hundred times before himself - _I’m Kaidan Alenko and I’ll date anyone of any race or gender provided I have enough of an emotional investment in them_ \- but it’s still never easy, having to spell it out. Maybe it’s never easy because you can’t come out just once - you have to come out repeatedly, each time you get a new job, each time you make a new friend or move to a new city or want to ask someone on a date. There’s always someone new, always someone who would never assume.

Of course, it isn’t like Kaidan is in the habit of introducing himself and immediately delving into coming out. In fact, most of the time, it’s easier to just not bring it up at all because it doesn’t have any relevance to what’s going on. Even when it is relevant to the conversation - an old woman in the grocery store saying he’s handsome, asking if he has a girlfriend - he doesn’t always feel the need to say, _N_ _o, no boyfriend either_. Sometimes he does, because he’s tired of the assumption or he has a headache or had a long day at work, but mostly he doesn’t, because the person asking isn’t relevant and he doesn’t feel the need to share his personal life with them. He isn’t their business and they aren’t his - he just wants to pay for his groceries and sit down on the couch with Ashley’s feet on his lap while they watch a movie.

But when he does want to, when the situation _is_ right, when the person _is_ important - his parents and Ashley and Liara and everyone else - it’s still hard. It’s still hard even when you’ve already been living with them for three months and are getting along really well but want to clarify that you aren’t interested in them romantically (Ashley). It’s still hard even when you’re sitting on the couch in their apartment and laughing so hard it hurts and you’ve already split a whole bottle of wine between just the two of you (Liara).

And now, maybe Shepard.

When he gets back into the apartment, Ashley is stretched out on the couch, channel surfing absent-mindedly.

“Hey, Ash,” he greets her.

“How’s it, K?” She replies, glancing at him for only a moment before changing the channel.

He drops his bag next to the couch and sits down next to her feet, letting his head rest against the back of the couch with a sigh. He looks over to her and she looks up at him.

“What?” She asks. She knows him too well.

“Wanna do me a favour?” He says, grinning wide.

“You want me to grade papers, huh?”

“You know me so well,” Kaidan laughs and she glares at him, then shifts slightly to poke him in the thigh with one of her feet.

“Only if you make your special beef and broccoli.”

“Deal.” He gives her ankle a pat before forcing himself up and into the kitchen to make them food. “Blue folder, answer key is on top - you don’t have to grade the essays this time,” he calls over his shoulder as he pulls beef strips and vegetables out of the fridge.

“Thank God,” she sighs audibly and he laughs. “I hate grading essays. There’s always like ten different answers and I can never keep track of which power combinations are right and wrong with you biotics.”

“If it helps, I don’t think my students can either,” Kaidan laughs.

“That’s because they have you as a teacher.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that to the man cooking your dinner,” he retorts, making her laugh as she leans over the arm of the couch to pull the folder of papers out of his bag.

“How’s hot subway guy, by the way?” She asks as she flops back onto the couch, red pen in hand.

“Shepard?” Kaidan asks with a half-laugh at her nickname, then stifles it. He really shouldn’t encourage her to call him that. “Fine, I’m assuming.”

“He must be pretty fine for you to be interested in him.” Kaidan can see the smile on her face without even having to look at her and he rolls his eyes.

“I think he’s straight, actually.”

“Go for it anyway,” Ash suggests and Kaidan would level her with a look if she wasn’t hidden away by the back of the couch. “If he’s straight, though, just send him to me.” At that, Kaidan laughs despite himself, moving to turn on the stove.

“Yeah, I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard grades papers and Kaidan learns about Star Trek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> other co-author Michelle here!! hopefully this chapter being up quickly enough makes up for the delay between the last two - and we've planned out most of the rest of the story from here, so updates should be a little more regular. this chapter was mostly mine but I shall return the talented Charley to you all shortly. thank you for all the feedback and kudos! [also on tumblr](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/115769432392)

Two months later, Kaidan is back in the same boat as before - or, rather, the same train as Shepard, a stack of final exams in his bag he could have started grading instead of running to the station.

“You look tired,” Shepard remarks as he sits down next to Kaidan.

“Thanks,” Kaidan replies with a half-sarcastic smile. “I am tired. Winter break starts tomorrow and I have over a hundred final exams to grade within 48 hours.”

“Ouch,” Shepard says. “Multiple choice or essay?”

“Both.” Kaidan rubs at the bridge of his nose. He can feel a headache in the works, the ache at the base of his skull that climbs steadily, putting pressure behind his eyes. He doesn’t want to worry Shepard, though - he just wants to get back to his apartment and grade an exam or twelve before sleeping. He thinks about texting Ash to order takeout now so it arrives when he does.

“Well,” Shepard begins, sounding like he’s considering something and breaking Kaidan from his thoughts of how great Chinese food sounds. “What if I helped you?”

Kaidan blinks at him. “Helped me grade papers?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t need to help me grade papers, Shepard.” Kaidan chuckles. “I’m sure you’ve got enough on your plate.”

“I don’t mind,” he insists, giving him this little smile that makes Kaidan wish it wasn't so easy for him to give in to Shepard, but he is most of the time and Shepard just wants to help, so Kaidan hands him a stack of papers and a pen.

"Okay," Kaidan relents. "You can grade the first two essays - they're the easiest."

"You don't need to go easy on me, Kaidan, I can take it," Shepard teases as he takes the papers and pen out of his hands, and there's something about the way he says it and the feel of calloused fingers quickly brushing his own that makes Kaidan's stomach drop out. He brushes it off with a laugh— _Shepard's just teasing, that's what friends do_.

Before they get too far into the thick of things, Shepard reaches into his pocket and pulls out the same two wireless earpieces he always has on him.  As is their tradition by now, Shepard hands one to Kaidan and plugs the other into his own ear, briefly starting up some music that sounds like hard rock on the cusp of metal, and they settle into their seats for the long haul.

Time usually drags on infinitely while he’s marking tests, making the subway journey seem even longer, but with Shepard sharing some of the workload, sitting beside him and scrutinising the papers with his eyebrows knitted together in concentration—rather adorably, Kaidan thinks privately—the process doesn’t seem nearly as tedious.  Occasionally Shepard looks up to ask for his input or to clarify the correct answer, but for the most part they work well together, and get a surprising amount of the essays done.  Enough that the night ahead seems far less daunting, in addition to making the train ride more enjoyable.  

Kaidan glances at Shepard out of the corner of his eye and bites down a small, grateful smile.  He forces himself to look away so he doesn't interrupt Shepard's concentration, and catches sight of the screen indicating the next stop— _their_ stop—and laughs quietly at the realisation that he’s actually disappointed he has to stop marking papers and go home.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Shepard look up at him, raising an eyebrow.  “Something funny?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kaidan replies, shaking his head.  “Our stop is next. You done with that?”

“Just a sec,” Shepard says, and takes a few more seconds to read over the page, before scribbling in one last note and handing it to Kaidan to put away.  Kaidan takes it, handing Shepard back his headphone simultaneously, and briefly scans the essay, noting Shepard’s marks.  All are according to his instructions, except—

“Hey, what’s this ‘plus one’ for?” he asks as they stand up, the subway slowing to a stop at their platform.

Shepard glances over and flashes a disarming grin that makes Kaidan’s heart skip a beat as he responds teasingly, “Um, do you _not_ give bonus points for Star Trek references?”

Kaidan blinks. “Star Trek?” He says intelligently.

For all the teasing in his previous sentence, Shepard looks genuinely offended now. “You do know what Star Trek is, right?”

“No, no—I mean, yes, I do know what Star Trek is.”  His cheeks heat up.  At least he’s only stumbling through his words, and not on the stairs they’re climbing. “‘To boldly go,’ and all that.”

“Good,” Shepard says, letting out a sigh of relief. Kaidan can’t tell how serious he’s being, and because apparently he can’t quit while he’s still got some dignity to save, he rushes to clarify further.

“I mean, I know about Star Trek, or I know what it’s about, a bit.  I’m sure it’s great.  I just don’t usually give out points for references.  Mostly because I’ve just, ah, never seen it ...”

“I’m sorry, I must have misheard you,” Shepard immediately responds, pretending to clear out his ear.  Kaidan can tell he’s joking now, but it doesn’t really make him feel any better knowing he’s disappointed him, even in an inconsequential way. “I thought I heard you say you’ve never seen Star Trek.  Which is crazy, because I have way better taste in friends than that, and I would probably never be friends with someone who’s never seen Star Trek.”

“That, uh—that so?” Kaidan asks, trying to keep his voice light and teasing as well.

Shepard pretends to consider it for a moment.  “Well, they might not be a completely lost cause if they were planning to start watching it soon.”

A short burst of nervous laughter escapes before he can stop it.  “That’s good to know, then.”

“This is all hypothetically speaking, of course, since you have seen Star Trek.”

“Right,” Kaidan replies, “Of course.”

They reach the top of the stairs and walk out into the evening air, a gust of wind making the paper in Kaidan’s hand wave slightly.

“See you around?” Shepard says, still smiling slightly after their exchange.  Kaidan’s heart is still beating a little erratically, but he allows a small grin in return and thinks for the umpteenth time that, _God_ , Shepard is really good looking—and smart, and funny, and nice enough to offer to help him fucking grade papers on the train, and endearingly geeky about an ancient science fiction series, and somewhere in the back of his mind Kaidan realises he is screwed. So, so screwed.

“Have a good night, Shepard,” he tells him, pushing all that down, "And thanks for helping me with, ah—you know. Grading."

“You too.  And I know how fun grading exams is, but try not to stay up too late, all right?”

Kaidan chuckles.  “I’ll try.”

On his way home, he makes a slight detour to the local library.  Their selection of vids is rather limited to old films and the occasional series hardly anyone watches anymore but, hey, Kaidan thinks, Star Trek should fit in that category, and after a few minutes of scouring the shelves, he manages to find a set of the first season of what is labelled as “The Original Series.”  He figures it’s as good a place to start as any.

Due to the deviation from his normal route and schedule, Ashley is already pulling out dishes to cook dinner when he finally gets back to their apartment and drops his bag and the vids on the coffee table. Despite the train ride, he does still have a mess of things to grade, so he takes a seat at the dinner table and listens to Ash talk about her day while she boils pasta and he goes through his students’ work.

She makes him put away his marking at least while they eat, though she still monopolises the conversation with her newest theories about their neighbour James down the hall. They’ve lived next to him and his roommate Steve for over a year, and have both conversed with him many times, but neither of them have ever actually managed to figure out what his job is.  As such, it’s become a bit of a game to see who can come up with the most outrageous theories regarding his employment status.

“Okay, so I know my bet is on bodybuilder, but hear me out: what if he’s a stripper," Ashley suggests, making Kaidan snort.

“I’m sticking with secret government agent, thanks.”

“And that is why you are going to lose this bet, Alenko," she says, pointing a finger at him. "You’ve got no vision.”

“I don’t really want to _envision_ our neighbour like that, Ash, but no judgement if you do.”

He gets a kick in the shin for that but they’re both laughing so it’s all good.

After they clean up dinner and the dishes, Kaidan goes back to half-grading his exams, half-pretending he’s not daydreaming about Shepard.  On the couch, Ash flicks on the TV and watches something with the volume considerately turned down.  Of course, the peace doesn’t last.

“Hey, what’s this?” Ash calls from the living room around an hour later.

Kaidan turns in his chair to see what she’s got, and does his very best not to blush when he sees she’s got the Star Trek vids in her hand.  “Um, Star Trek.  I thought we could start watching it tonight, if you’re up for a bit of a marathon.”

“Sure, I guess," she shrugs.  "Longing for the stars a bit there, LT?”

He chuckles at his nickname, the one she picked up after he’d told her about his history in the Alliance before his current job.  “Not exactly, just thought it might be cool.”

“Really,” she says, and he can tell he’s not off the hook from the disbelieving tone in her voice.  “Can’t remember the last time you picked out an old vid - you’re usually into the newer stuff.”

“People change.”  He tries to sound nonchalant, but now she’s scrutinising him.

“Okay, I guess…” she says, but they’re still locked in a staring contest.  He can see the moment it clicks in her mind, and cringes as she goes, “Oh my God.”

“Ash, look—”

“It’s hot subway guy again, isn't it?”

“You really should stop calling him th—”

“This is really too much, Kaidan,” she laughs triumphantly.

Kaidan shrugs, embarrassed and trying not to show it. “He said he was into Star Trek, and I’ve been meaning to watch it for a while now—it just got me thinking about it.”

“No, that's not it at all.  You’re watching it because you want him to think you’re cool and into the same things as him.  Really, it’s sweet.”  She reaches up to brush a fake tear from her eye.

It’s a good thing he likes her a lot and they’re really good roommates, because otherwise he would not put up with this kind of insult.  “Fine. Shepard mentioned he was a fan and suggested I give it a shot.  Are you gonna watch it with me or not?”

“Eh, why not.  You're so far gone on this guy either way, might as well watch this with you and save you from a little bit of your misery.” She grins lopsidedly at him and Kaidan scoffs.

“Oh, is that what you were doing? I couldn’t tell.”

While she sets up the first episode, he busies himself with getting their movie-watching popcorn from the pantry—cheese and caramel mix, because he only likes the caramel-flavoured kernels and she only likes the cheesy ones.  They work well like that.  Distantly—or maybe not distantly enough, especially considering his current company—he wonders what kind of popcorn Shepard likes.

“Where’d you get these, anyway?” She asks as he walks over with their snack.

“Stopped by the library on the way back from work.”

Ashley rolls her eyes so hard he worries they might roll out of her head. “Literally only you would go to the library to pick up vids instead of just looking them up on the extranet like, I don’t know, everyone else ever?”

“Technically illegal,” Kaidan points out, depositing the bowl on the coffee table and taking his usual spot on the couch.

“ _Technically_ those vids are old as fuck and no one cares if you stream them.”  He can hear the grin in her voice. “But since you’re pathetically pining after a cop, I guess we’ll let this one slide.”

“He’s a detective, Ash, not a--” He stops himself as he catches her smirking and frowns.  “You’re messing with me.”

“So. Gone,” she repeats slowly.

“Shut up.”

Kaidan keeps the pile of exams within reach, thinking he might still be able to get through a few of them as they watch, but he finds himself enjoying the show a little too much to watch it and devote himself mostly to grading—but he’s already gotten through almost half of the exams and he figures he can afford a break.  The acting is pretty poor, the plotlines are cheesy, and the science behind just about everything is laughable, but the characters are quirky and intelligent and admirable, and he really enjoys how genuine and kind-hearted the show seems to be.  Even having joined the Alliance himself, he’s never had much of a romantic view of space exploration.  Starfleet is not the Alliance, however, and thinking of how ground-breaking it all must have been at the time, he finds himself growing rather fond of the show, the way it balances the innocence and exhilaration of exploration with clever metaphors for real social and political issues.  In some way, it does make him long to be among the stars again.  

Both of them end up surprisingly enamored, and they end up watching four episodes in a row before Ashley glances at the clock and groans, only half-awake, announcing she has an early shift in the morning and should have been asleep an hour ago.

“Physical therapy or krav maga shift tomorrow?” he asks, looking down at her.

“Both in the end, but physio first, studio in the evening,” she answers with a yawn.

He gets up and helps her to her feet despite her protests at being forced to move, already having been half-asleep against his side before the end of “The Naked Time.”  He gives her a shove in the direction of her room.  “Go to sleep, I’ll put everything away.”

“You sure?” she asks out of consideration, but he just shakes her off as she rubs her eyes tiredly.

“Yes.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“’Kay.”  She stops momentarily just outside her room. “We can watch some more Star Trek this weekend, if you want.  For an old vid, it’s actually pretty good.”

Kaidan hums in assent.  “Yeah, I like it.  I guess Shepard’s taste isn’t that bad after all,” he says with a small laugh.

“Well yeah, he seems to like you, doesn’t he?” Ashley says kindly, catching Kaidan off-guard.  He can’t stop the huge grin that tugs at his lips, though he does duck his head shyly to try and nervously laugh off the compliment.

“You’re being nice to me, Ash, you must be really tired.”

“Whatever,” she scoffs, but it sounds like a half-laugh to him after knowing her so well for so long. “Good night.”

“Good night,” he calls back, busying himself with putting the empty popcorn bowl into the sink and turning all the lights and devices off in the main area. The pile of sixty-or-so exams still looks intimidating, but he’s in too good a mood to ruin it by grading more of them, so he just promises himself he’ll work extra hard tomorrow - _or later today_ , he thinks after looking at the clock with a wince - but maybe Shepard will help him again on the train home.

As Kaidan finally lies down to go to sleep, he finds he can’t, despite the fact that he has to wake up in only a few hours for work as usual. He’s not used to staying up late anymore, but he finds himself distracted from sleep, something niggling at him about what Ashley said before she went to sleep, something about Shepard that he can’t pinpoint.

He rolls onto his back and sighs, throwing an arm over his face as he tries to go back through the day piece by piece: Ashley saying Shepard had good taste, watching Star Trek with her, Shepard saying he couldn’t be friends with someone who hadn’t seen it—

It occurs to Kaidan that in the past few months he’s known the man, today was the first time Shepard had referred to him as a friend. Kaidan had been thinking of him that way for a while now—maybe it wasn’t really something that needed vocalisation, but … Shepard had called him a friend.

A smile creeps onto his face once again. Conflicting feelings and slowing-growing attraction aside, he really does like Shepard, and it’s nice to think that Shepard probably likes him too, even if it’s only in a friendly way. Maybe that can be enough, he thinks.

Being friends with Shepard. Yeah, that’s good enough for him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan drinks wine and Shepard takes a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michelle (the captain) here again! Charley was gonna publish this chapter but she can't from her phone, so she apologises. we also jointly apologise for the delay in posting this chapter - we both got swept up in final papers and labs and exams and moving around. this chapter is extra long to make up for it, and the following chapters should be up more regularly.
> 
> thank you all for reading!! [also on tumblr](http://captainshakespear.tumblr.com/post/118964053464)

The final day of school for the semester passes easily—exams make the day quiet, all the students trying to furiously cram for whatever exam they have that day, and for the most part the only noise his students seem to make is the sigh of relief they give when they hand him back their papers and walk out the door. Even when he has lunch with Liara, they eat quietly together and grade papers, occasionally looking up to point out a funny response or two to an essay question. Despite having only gotten a few hours of sleep, he seems to be running on the same amount of energy as everyone else—that, or they’re all a little sleep deprived, but today is the last day of school for the semester and they can all catch up on their sleep soon enough.

When Kaidan gets onto the train, Shepard is already there, sitting in their usual spot—yes, they have a usual spot, or at least Kaidan thinks they do, because months of sitting together in the same two seats sort of designates it as _their usual spot_ —and as soon as Shepard sees him, the man grins wide, excited.

“Was hoping I’d see you. Here, look at this,” Shepard says, reaching into one pocket of his hoodie as Kaidan steps up next to him and sits down. “Brought my own red pen this time,” he continues, bringing it out of his pocket, grinning the whole time, and Kaidan laughs, loud and bright.

“You sure are prepared, huh, Shepard?”

“Gotta be, in my line of work,” Shepard nudges him with an elbow and Kaidan shakes his head, smiling.

“You know you, ah, you don’t have to help me grade exams,” Kaidan chuckles, but Shepard shrugs beside him and Kaidan can feel the movement in his arm as the train begins to pull out of the station.

“I offered to help, Kaidan,” Shepard replies, reaching back into his hoodie again to pull out his headphones and hand one to Kaidan. “Just let me do something nice for you, take a load off your shoulders.”

Kaidan can’t help but consider Shepard for a moment, his offer to help him do one of the most monotonous tasks in the world like he’s happy to. He laughs when he comes up short on what to say or think about Shepard doing things like this, so instead he simply reaches into his bag, pulling out the exams and handing them to Shepard with a simple, “Good luck, then.”

“What’re you in the mood for?” Shepard asks, gesturing vaguely with the headphone before trading it for the papers in Kaidan’s hand.

“Whatever you’re in for,” Kaidan shrugs as he places the headphone in his ear.

“You tell me.”

Kaidan lets out a breath, trying to think of something they both like that Shepard would have. “How about, ah … hit me with some AC/DC, or some Kansas.”

“Classics it is,” Shepard nods, selecting a song almost immediately off his omni-tool—something by Led Zeppelin, and Kaidan chuckles quietly.

“Not exactly what I requested, but this is okay too.”

“Driver picks the music,” Shepard replies, nudging him in the side with a sharp elbow, only serving to make Kaidan laugh more.

“We’re on a train, Shepard,” he points out. “No one’s driving—you know, the wonders of technology and the modern age and all that.”

“Touché,” the other man concedes, before pointing at him with his red pen and putting on a serious face that Kaidan can just barely spy a suppressed grin through. “Grade your papers, Mr. Alenko.”

At that Kaidan rolls his eyes, but he delves into grading papers nonetheless with a smile on his face—partly from their friendly teasing, and partly _because_ it’s friendly teasing. Being friends with Shepard is good—great, even. It’s nice to have someone to talk to on the long train ride home, even if it’s just to trade a few passing jokes. It’s just nice having Shepard around.

Soon, Kaidan realises, he’s not even going to have that. Three weeks of winter break means no train rides home with a certain detective, no jabs at how he looks too serious or how his eyebrows ‘do that thing’ or how his hair is styled—which is not at all, thank you very much.

“Kaidan, you okay?”

Kaidan looks up to Shepard, feeling a little dazed when he his eyes meet Shepard’s. “Huh?”

“You’ve got this look on your face,” Shepard says, looking concerned.

“Just, ah, you know—grading papers gets like that like sometimes,” Kaidan smiles, brushing it off.

“I get that,” Shepard nods, then laughs, “You should’ve seen what this one kid wrote on the bottom of the page—‘have mercy.'” That gets Kaidan to laugh too, and Shepard smiles at him.

“I’d love to see them write that on one of Jack’s papers,” Kaidan says, looking back down to the exam in his lap to try and continue grading.

“I don’t even know Jack and I’d still love to see that.”

“Grade your papers, Detective Shepard.”

Kaidan is halfway through grading a lab write-up when he hears the music in his ear click off. He glances over to Shepard, who smiles at him sideways.

"Our stop," he explains with a red pen pointed towards the screen above the train door, confirming Shepard's words. Kaidan takes the earbud out, placing it gently into the other's awaiting palm.

"Thanks again for, ah, you know," Kaidan says as Shepard pockets the two headphones, then holding out his own hand to accept the papers Shepard hands back to him.

"No problem."

"Yeah, well, you've certainly saved me a lot of time for the next two days," Kaidan continues, reaching down for his messenger bag to put the exams away.

"Yeah, seems kinda weird to me that they're only giving you so long to grade all of them, though, you know?"

"It makes sense when you think about how long some professors might put it off otherwise. I mean, we do have, what, three weeks of time off for winter?" It takes a second of shuffling everything around to get all the exams into his bag, and it takes a second longer for Kaidan realise Shepard hasn't said anything in reply. When he does notice, he looks over his shoulder at him, furrowing his brow at Shepard's blank face. "Shepard?"

"So, you're ... gonna be gone for three weeks?" Shepard asks, making a face Kaidan can't even begin to describe—concerned, or maybe upset? Shepard's a hard man to read, and right now is making a prime example.

"Yeah, I, ah ... didn't I tell you before?"

"No," Shepard answers simply, succinct, but it doesn't sound angry. In fact, it sounds more like--

"Three weeks," Shepard begins again, smiling now and shaking his head, cutting off Kaidan's attempt at placing how Shepard’s expression. "Now who am I gonna bug on the ride home?"

Kaidan laughs at that, shrugging, "Guess you'll just have to invite Garrus over instead." At that, Shepard makes a face that is clearly pretending to be disgusted, and they both laugh quietly.

"So, what are you going to do for three whole weeks?" Shepard asks as the train begins to slow to their stop, and they both stand up to wait for the door.

"I'll probably go visit my parents, check on the vineyard, watch some more--"

"Vineyard?"

"Yeah, uh, my family owns one," he explains as they step off the train together and towards the stairs. "A ways outside Vancouver."

"Huh. That's interesting."

"Thanks, I guess," Kaidan chuckles.

"Seriously, Kaidan," Shepard looks at him sidelong as they begin their way up the stairs. "A Vancouver vineyard? Seems unlikely, with the weather."

"Okanagan, actually. Works pretty well."

"I'm not a wine guy, but should I keep an eye out?" Kaidan half-shrugs and Shepard smiles. "I'll have to, then."

"I figured you would even if I told you not to."

"Well," Shepard's grin at him means that Kaidan can't help but laugh. "You're not wrong."

When they reach the top of the steps a moment later, they both pause automatically, glancing at one another.

"So," Shepard intones. "I'll see you in three weeks, huh?"

"Three weeks," Kaidan agrees, and there's a moment of indecision that bursts forth in Kaidan's mind— _should I shake his hand, should I give him a hug? Is that too weird? Which is friendly—or is that_ too _friendly?_

Shepard looks like he's going to say something when the moment is broken by the sound of his omnitool going off, and Shepard makes a face down at his now glowing arm.

"I, uh," Shepard begins, indicating his arm. "I should go."

At that, Kaidan can't help a small chuckle before he nods at the detective. "Yeah, I'll see you around."

"Yeah," Shepard agrees, and it's only after Kaidan has waved and turned around that he picks up the call, answering with a simple, "Shepard here."

So, he leaves Shepard behind, and instead tries to think about what he needs to pack to go visit his parents—a nice, well-deserved break from the business of the fall semester.

And it is, for the most part. Working with his parents has its ups and downs, as everything with parents might, but the work is good and it keeps him busy. After working all day, he's happy to sit down on his parents couch and watch some more Star Trek, even if his mother teases him about watching something so old before they go to bed each night.

The weeks fly by, though, as vacations always seem to do, and soon Kaidan is packing his school bag full of new syllabi, gearing up for a new semester.

The first class after winter break is always one of the longest, students and teachers alike unhappy about jumping back into the reality of a regular Monday morning after the extended break. But Kaidan bears it, keeps to review in classes and catches up with Liara over lunch, excited to get on the train home at the end of the day. Which sounds … really pathetic, that he’s more eager for the train ride than actually getting home, but he guesses that's just his life now. Might as well accept it, right?

He beats Shepard to their spot on the train, and spends the next couple of minutes doing everything he can to avoid fidgeting obviously. It’s been three weeks since they'd last seen each other, so it's entirely possible Shepard forgot and is just catching a different train today—if he misses this one it’s nothing personal, he’ll be fine seeing him tomorrow. Or the next day, or whenever he does see him.

That’s what Kaidan tells himself, at least, but he really can’t deny the wave of relief and happiness that sweeps through him when he spots that signature black hoodie with the white and bright red stripe down one arm stepping onto the train and pushing through the tangle of people seconds before the doors close. When Shepard finally catches his eye, his feels his chest tighten with joy.

“Hey, Kaidan,” he greets with a smile, and maybe Kaidan imagines it, but his eyes seem to light up a bit when Kaidan smiles back at him.

“Hey, there you are,” he replies, moving his bag from the seat beside him so Shepard can take a seat. “I was beginning to wonder if you were gonna make it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it—I haven’t seen you in a while, after all, and I guess …” He trails off, looking like he’s not sure how to end that sentence. Kaidan watches with interest as his skin flushes just slightly. “Well, it’s good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” He considers saying something about how he missed him, missed their music-sharing and their chats, how he spent more hours than he’d like to admit watching Star Trek just to be able to impress him next time it comes up—except maybe with better wording so he doesn't make a complete idiot of himself— _you know, it's probably best to just say nothing_ , he thinks. He keeps his mouth shut, unsure what to say after.

“How was your break?” Shepard asks, filling in for him.

“Pretty good. Went home to see my parents for a bit, caught up on some sleep, as well as some books and movies … so. Restful, I’d say.”

“Sounds like it,” Shepard says, a little wistfully, enough to make Kaidan look up and take a good look at him.

It’s only been a few weeks so it’s not like much could have changed, and truthfully not much has. It’s still the same Shepard—the same sharp features and icy blue eyes he catches himself daydreaming about just a little too often. But he looks tired, his eyes less alert than usual, the shadows under them a bit more pronounced, his lips drifting more towards a scowl than a smile.

Kaidan frowns, and asks cautiously, “How about you? How have the last few weeks treated you?”

“Alright. Not as restful as yours, but I’ll live,” Shepard shrugs, fixing his posture and expression.

Kaidan remains suspicious, but he supposes it could just be from lack of sleep, or a drawn-out case, or any number of very normal things, whatever 'normal' for Shepard might be. For now, he lets it go.

“So,” Shepard says, clapping his hands on his knees, “Got any papers for me to grade?”

Kaidan laughs quietly. “Sadly, I think I’m gonna have to deprive you of your favourite pass time for a couple weeks at least. The semester just started, so I won’t have any work assigned for a while, let alone handed in for me to mark.”

“Shame. Looks like we might actually have to talk to each other for once.”

“Not sure I would’ve saved you a seat if I knew we were gonna be _talking_.”

“That hurts, Kaidan.” The mock-laughter suddenly turns into the genuine kind. “Oh, speaking of ‘hurt,’ you would not believe what Garrus did to himself at our precinct holiday party …”

Shepard proceeds to recount the story of “Garrus Vakarian and the Revolving Door,” a story which has Kaidan’s sides splitting with barely-contained laughter by the end of it.  He contributes a few questions and comments that keep Shepard smiling as he tells the story, but even the great Detective John Shepard can't help but laugh as he tells it, even without Kaidan's assistancd. Enough time passes that they’re at their stop by the time their chuckles quiet down enough to allow them to catch their breath. The entire ordeal makes Shepard’s eyes brighten a lot, and it’s not until after they part ways that Kaidan realises Shepard looked a lot happier than he had at the beginning of the train ride.

It occurs to him that maybe his presence had something to do with that, but the idea seems so ridiculous that he just laughs it off and heads the rest of the way home.

They don’t cross paths again on the train for a few days which is … odd. At least Kaidan _thinks_ it’s odd, but he might be imagining things. He tries to remember how often they’d caught the train together before the break. It feels like it was nearly every day by the end of the fall semester, but then it couldn’t have been. So, Kaidan sits quietly in his usual spot, an asari he doesn’t recognise sitting beside him in Shepard’s usual seat.  

It’s not until the following Monday that they catch the train together again, and this time they spot each other on the platform before it arrives.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard greets with a charming smile as Kaidan jogs over to meet him.

Kaidan would normally return the greeting, but he stops short as he takes in the darker shadows around Shepard’s eyes, the tiredness of his smile, and the weariness of the set of his shoulders—it’s not enough to be worrying, yet, but Shepard definitely looks worse than when Kaidan saw him last.

A hand waves in front of his face.

“Earth to Kaidan?”

He blinks. “Sorry.  Ah, yeah, hey.”  

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kaidan replies, then pauses and frowns. “Um, are _you_ okay?”

Shepard’s eyebrows knit together. “Yeah, of course.”

“It’s just …” _How to phrase this in a nice way_ , he thinks. “You, ah, look really tired, is all.” His concern is met with a shrug.

"Long week at work, I guess. Speaking of, how’s school?” He deflects easily, and it's clear to Kaidan he doesn't want to talk, so he allows the change.

The train speeds into the station, Kaidan briefly explains that things at school are fine, still relatively calm, how he’s still learning a few new students’ faces, and they step on to take their seats. He keeps talking as the train starts moving.

“Jack’s solution is just to give them all nicknames, of course, but hers are usually pretty unflattering and the sort of things you wouldn’t get away with if you weren’t one of the scariest and most powerful biotics in the galaxy …”

He trails off, noticing Shepard isn’t really listening. Instead, the man is just staring vaguely at the opposite window, looking a little dazed and very, very tired.

It’s not really any of his business, but … he and Shepard _are_ friends, after all.  Friends are allowed to worry about each other, not just help each other with their marking-- actually, he’s pretty sure normal friends don’t really do that either, but here they are.

“Shepard,” he says, trying to get his attention. No response. He nudges the man’s knee with his own, startling Shepard into sitting up properly and looking his way. "Hey. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

Shepard lets out a long sigh. "Yeah, sorry.  Just tired, I guess. Haven’t slept much the last few days.”

“Okay. We all have those days, I get it, but, you know…” He takes a breath to stifle his nerves. “If something was bothering you, you could tell me. I won’t… laugh, or do something stupid, or anything—I mean, I might do something stupid, but it would be an accident.”

This gets a tired laugh out of Shepard, at least. “Well, I’d appreciate the thought, in that case."

“Yeah, well. I’m just saying. If you wanna vent, I’ll listen.”

“Thanks,” Shepard answers, with a genuine smile. “I’ll keep that in mind, but honestly, I am fine. I don’t need to talk right now, I just need to sleep.” He looks down to his hands and groans quietly. “Unfortunately, these case reports aren’t exactly gonna finish themselves. Most of the rough work is done, they’re just not formal or coherent enough to be sent in.”

“Tough break,” Kaidan sympathises.  

It takes a minute for his brain to actually start working, and he nearly smacks himself when the idea occurs to him far later than it should have.

“Well, you know, Shepard, I may know someone who’s pretty good at paperwork. Someone who probably owes you for helping complete some of his own.”

Shepard raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying you wanna edit my case reports?”

“I don’t know if I could do _all_ of it, seeing as I wasn’t actually on the cases, though I would if I could,” Kaidan admits with a nervous chuckle, trying to shrug this whole thing off as just a casual, friendly offer.  Which it is, but it also comes with the ulterior motive of wanting to do anything to take some stuff of Shepard’s plate, anything to let him get a couple more hours of sleep tonight. “But I can definitely help you edit them—it’s basically marking, right? Trust me, I work with teenagers, I’m an expert at turning incoherence into actual writing.”

He doesn’t look convinced—which Kaidan thinks is stupid, because he really is just trying to repay the favour, and Kaidan hadn’t fought him when Shepard offered to do the same thing for him—but then Shepard gives him a look, one that tells him exhaustion is winning out over his resistance to accept help, and Kaidan thinks he’s finally won.

“If you’re sure …”

“Positive,” Kaidan confirms. "Like I said, I owe you one—more than one, really.”

And that’s how he ends up having Shepard pull out his personal datapad and walk him through the rudiments of completing case reports on the subway. What he asks Kaidan to do isn’t complicated at all, really, just turning the bullet points on his notepad into full sentences with basic edits on his datapad, but he hovers all the same, giving unnecessary commentary and probably stressing himself out more than he would have had he just finalised the reports himself. Going through just the beginning, Kaidan finds it's taking him longer than it ought to because of the interruptions, that they’re actually going slower than he would on his own.

Eventually, Kaidan decides to put his foot down. “Shepard, I appreciate the pointers, but trust me. I’ve got this. For now, just … close your eyes and rest for a few minutes or something.”

Shepard deflates a bit, slumping back into his seat with a quiet, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Kaidan says, his eyebrows pulling together in worry. “It’s fine, really. I’m just trying to help.”

“You are helping,” comes the earnest reply.  

Kaidan looks over. Apparently, their weeks of separation did nothing to dull the effect of Shepard’s eyes staring into his own because, without fail, Kaidan’s heart skips a beat, traitorously.

He swallows down the feeling, resisting. “Well, I’m happy to.”

With a hum of acknowledgement, Shepard closes his eyes and settles a little more into the uncomfortable train sage, his arms folding over his chest. “Wake me when it’s our stop.”

“Of course.”

Kaidan settles in and begins pouring through the first report, now trying to decipher Shepard’s frankly terrible handwriting without the detective's help and type it up as complete sentences. He’s tempted once to ask just what the hell one particular scribble is supposed to mean, but when he turns to Shepard he sees his relaxing, sleeping face and can’t bring himself to rouse him. So, he turns back with a small, fond smile and muddles through, inventing what he can’t read.

Eventually, in the middle of typing a particularly long sentence, he feels something nudge his shoulder, and Kaidan starts a bit, his head spinning to look over.

The movement of the train has jostled Shepard’s head to the side, right onto Kaidan’s shoulder.

Kaidan stares down at his face for far too long, the slope of his nose, the way his dark eyelashes fan across his cheek, unable to keep his own mouth from curling into a grin. Whatever, Shepard’s not looking, so what does it matter, right? He doesn’t get the chance to catalogue every aspect of this man any other time, so he’ll take what he can get.

Inevitably, he does turn back to the reports, wanting to get as much done as possible so Shepard has less to do later. Shepard’s head leaning awkwardly on his shoulder makes the task of typing more difficult but, hey, he can handle it. He’d happily sit there all day with Shepard dozing against his shoulder.

Unfortunately, their stop approaches, and Kaidan is forced to type out his last sentence and save his current work—probably for the best too, because this report had been getting more and more confusing, and Kaidan wasn’t really sure he was reading it right. Shepard could finish it himself later.

“Hey,” Kaidan whispers, rolling his shoulder a bit to try and wake Shepard up gently. When there’s no response other than Shepard nuzzling his cheek further into the fabric of Kaidan’s coat, he's hesitant to try a little louder—but he really should wake Shepard up, so he begins again. "Hey, Shepard, we’re almost at our stop.”

Shepard lifts his head, grumbling a bit and squinting into the harsh subway light. Kaidan tries to avoid thinking that he’s really cute, but he is.  

“Sorry, didn’t mean to completely pass out on you there,” he says, voice gravelly, sending a shiver up Kaidan’s spine. His cheeks flush a bit all of a sudden as he seems to realise where his head had been resting. "Uh, literally on you, I guess. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, anytime,” Kaidan tells him. “Or, uh, not anytime. I mean, I don’t mind, just that ... okay, forget I said anything. What I meant was, don’t worry about it.”

Shepard smirks, still half-asleep but still managing to get his strange mixture of charming and smarmy across. “Well, thank you all the same.”

“Feeling any better?”

“A bit. The wonders of a power nap, huh?”

“Mmm.”

They stand up as the train slows to a stop and step onto the platform together as usual.

“Oh, here are your reports, by the way,” Kaidan says, holding up both the pile of notes and the datapad. “I got through most of them. Just the last one I was working on, the one with the gang? I couldn’t really understand your notes, and I wanted to ask, it looked like you were--”

He’s cut off by Shepard seizing the reports from his hands and roughly shoving them into his bag. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Kaidan frowns, annoyed.  “Yeah, that sure looks like nothing.”

“It is.”

“Look, I’m just curious about your life, okay, I’m not trying to undermine you. I was just wondering why it looked like your name was part of—”

“I said leave it alone,” Shepard says, his tone harsher than Kaidan’s ever heard it. It makes him want to back down, but also stand up and yell back. “My handwriting sucks, I get it. And besides, some of that stuff is confidential, I shouldn’t have let you—”

“Well, you did let me,” Kaidan snaps back. “Sorry for trying to help.”

Suddenly inexplicably irritated—it had been such a smooth train ride, with Shepard sleeping on his shoulder like they were friends, or more, and it had got Kaidan thinking a little, maybe, somewhere in the back of his brain that maybe, just _maybe_ , but now _this_ —Kaidan picks up his pace and marches up the stairs alone. Shepard can go sleep off this bad mood alone for all he cares—not that he'd be sleeping with Kaidan otherwise, or anyone else, but that ... well, fuck it.

“Kaidan, wait,” he hears from a few steps behind him, just before a hand closes around his wrist at the top of the stairs, making him stop to turn around and look at Shepard again.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” he says, his hand squeezing his wrist for a moment before letting go, and most of Kaidan’s frustration dissolves with it when he sees how much Shepard looks like he means it. “I’m just … really tired. There’s a lot going on at the precinct right now. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Kaidan sighs, looking at his feet with his hands on his hips. “It’s okay. Forget about it. I just wanna go home, if that’s okay.”

“More than okay. The feeling is mutual, actually—hell, I just wanna get to my couch so I can sleep for the next two years.”

Kaidan smiles a bit, the rest of the tension clearing. “You’d miss a lot.”

“Yeah, probably,” Shepard agrees thoughtfully, then clears his throat. “Thanks again, by the way. It’s only thanks to you I’ll be getting any sleep at all tonight.”

“Like I said, anytime.” This time, it's Kaidan's turn to clear his throat. “So … I’ll see you around?”

Shepard nods. “Tomorrow, if I can swing going home early enough.”

“Don't skip out on your job on account of me," Kaidan says, giving Shepard a sideways look.

"I'm not, I'd just rather be with—it's not a big deal, you know? I mean, I've been working a lot lately, I should be able to go home early once in a while," Shepard shrugs, and there's something about the pause in the middle that makes Kaidan's chest flutter a little, making him reach up and rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Okay," Kaidan replies, because it's all he can think to say that won't let him make an idiot of himself.

"Okay," Shepard smiles, just a little. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah," Kaidan begins as they turn away from each other, "And get some sleep!" Kaidan doesn't even need to be looking at Shepard to see his smile, the way the man laughs so loud and bright that he can hear it even with their backs to one another.

"You fuckin' bet!"

With that, they part ways, and there's a dawning light in Kaidan's chest that follows him all the way back to his apartment, the memory of Shepard's head on his shoulder, his fingers enclosed around Kaidan's wrist—anger at first at being pulled against his will, settling as Shepard apologised, the gentle squeeze before his fingers dropped. It's good—comfortable and solid—thinking that Shepard cares enough about him to make a sincere apology, even for something that's insignificant that Kaidan got upset over anyway.

He lets out a long sigh, feeling the typical Monday exhaustion wearing him down a bit as he makes his way back to his place. He’s glad Shepard seems back to normal though, and it’ll make tomorrow easier knowing he has their usually subway chat to look forward to.

For now though, a good night’s sleep will probably do him some good as well.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard wants to join Starfleet, and Ashley teases Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, everybody, Charley here! here's another long update for you guys, to make up for some lost time between final exams. thank you so much for all of the comments and kudos - you have no idea how much we appreciate hearing back from you guys! seriously, it's one of the best parts of my day. enjoy! ❤️ [also on tumblr](http://captainshakespear.tumblr.com/post/120271445224)

A solid month and a half after the semester begins, Kaidan hands out the first test of the semester: thirty multiple choice questions, eight short answers, two brief essays, and a lingering hope that he’ll see Shepard on the train today. The way the semester stacks up, though, he’s left with no chance to begin grading them before the end of school, and he knows this is going to end up a team effort between himself, Shepard on the train, and then Ashley at home, even if he does start grading at the end of the school day—which he does, digging into the essays as soon as he can because he knows it will be easier for Shepard and Ashley to tackle the multiple choice questions.

Luckily, as soon as Kaidan steps onto the train, Shepard is already in their usual seats, eyes on the floor and one headphone in. Once he sees Kaidan though, his smile comes out immediately, and Kaidan can feel his chest constrict with joy.

“Saved this for you,” Shepard says, indicating both the seat next to him and the other earbud with the same gesture.

“And I saved this for you,” Kaidan chuckles back, handing him a red pen in exchange for the headphone, and Shepard just laughs as he puts the earbud in, music playing quietly enough that they can still hear one another.

“My favourite,” he says, and Kaidan can’t help but laugh at him as he sits because he doesn’t even sound a little bit sarcastic about it, and somehow that’s just so _Shepard_ , always doing and saying exactly what Kaidan never expects, because even Kaidan isn’t that much a fan of marking.

“I can’t believe you, Shepard—no one likes grading papers.”

“It’s easy work. Bonus that I’m also a fan of helping you,” Shepard shrugs, and Kaidan has to turn his head just slightly away so Shepard can’t catch him beaming about that. “And of getting things done, of course.”

“Of course,” Kaidan agrees from over his shoulder.

Together they settle into marking up the tests—essays for Kaidan and multiple choice for Shepard, the music in their shared headphones and the rocking of the train keeping them both alert enough to continue marking through the tediousness of it all. Aside from the music, it's quiet between them, until Shepard turns to him with a grin that Kaidan just barely catches out of the corner of his eye.

"There's no Vulcans in space," Shepard says, practically leering at him.

"What?"

"Right here, in this essay—'there's no Vulcans in space,'" he clarifies, pointing out the line of terrible high school handwriting with the end of his pen. "You gave them a plus one."

"Thought I'd stay consistent with the bonuses for references, at least," Kaidan shrugs, and Shepard laughs, placing the tests onto his lap so he can turn himself more towards Kaidan.

"Okay, so, Kirk or Picard?" he asks, and he has such a serious face that Kaidan can't help but mimic it in jest as he thinks of how to respond.

"I'd say Kirk, but I think I'd like to be able to do my job without thinking about how much I want to go down on my commanding officer all the time, so ... Picard or Janeway," Kaidan answers, and Shepard has this stunned look on his face that makes Kaidan think he may as well continue while he can still save himself. "On second thought, Picard is fine. Janeway would probably distract me just as much—got a thing for beautiful people with authority, I think. What about you?"

The question seems enough to snap Shepard out of whatever trance he was in, and he licks his lips before he answers. "I'd work best with Kirk, I think."

"Original Kirk or reboot Kirk?"

"Both," he answers, then pauses. "I think I'd make a good reboot Kirk, though."

"More like Picard with your hair like this," Kaidan chuckles and Shepard pretends to scoff, a faked offense. "No, no, I'd agree with the reboot Kirk for you."

"You think? Yeah, I'd work best with his tactics—getting done what needs to be done, even when other people don't believe you," the other man says thoughtfully. "But what about you, what do you think?"

"About who I'd be?" Kaidan pauses, considering, trying to run over all the characters in his head. "Spock or Bones, maybe—either way, I like to think I look good in blue."

"I'll say," Shepard agrees, but then continues before Kaidan has time to think about what that might mean. "I see original series McCoy for you, what with the hair."

"Hey!" Kaidan exclaims, but really he's laughing. "I thought hair was off-limits, what with the attitude you had when I suggested Picard."

"Maybe I just have trouble seeing you with pointy ears and a bowl cut," Shepard suggests, and Kaidan chuckles once. The train pulls into a station, jostling them a little, and they settle down as they watch people get on and off the train for a few moments. Eventually Shepard looks back to him with a soft smile. "I'd still say original series Bones for you—intelligent and caring. Kirk relies on him a lot, helps balance him."

"That means we're in different universes," Kaidan points out and Shepard makes a face.

"Damn, that is a problem," Shepard sighs, then grins over at him. "Fine, I'll just have to be Shatner's Kirk, then. Don't want you getting bored without me."

"If you’re gonna keep Shatner’s overacting, never," Kaidan laughs, and Shepard's smile goes from wicked and teasing to gentle, creases at the corner of his eyes, and Kaidan's chest constricts once more, forcing him to look back down at the papers in his lap so he doesn't completely lose himself in it. Still, he can’t bring himself to hide his smile completely as they get back to marking the tests.

Soon enough, the train pulls into their station, and Kaidan turns to Shepard, expectant.

“One sec,” the man says, still looking over a section of the page. “Almost done.”

“We need to get off the train, Shepard,” Kaidan replies, and with that, Shepard stands up and begins to make his way off the train, marking the test as he goes. Kaidan can only laugh, grab his school bag, and follow after him.

“Determined, eh?” Kaidan asks as he steps up beside him again, keeping an eye ahead for anyone Shepard might accidentally walk into. Just as Kaidan is about to open his mouth to warn him about the stairs, Shepard shoves the test towards him, grinning wide.

"Done and done," he says as Kaidan takes the test from him, adding it to the stack in his hands.

"With that one, at least," Kaidan chuckles, then falters as they begin up the steps. "Now I've only got ... oh, eighty or so to go. I'll take those back, by the way," he says, indicating the unmarked tests Shepard is still holding.

"Actually, I was thinking I could just finish these up for you. It won't take me long."

"Between here and the top of the steps?" Kaidan comments teasingly, nodding toward the end of the staircase, only a few seconds away. Shepard opens his mouth to say something, but Kaidan shakes his head with a smile, effectively cutting the other man off. "Really, I can handle it, Shepard. But thanks for all the help—you have no idea how much I appreciate it."

"I'm serious, Kaidan. It's not like I've got much else going on tonight—I can finish these up, if you want."

" _I’m_ serious, you don't have to do that, though I appreciate the offer. Even if I did let you, I take the train earlier in the morning, and sometimes I don't see you for days—how would I get these back from you?"

"What if we just did them together?"

"I—ah, what?" Shepard takes one look at Kaidan's stricken face and chuckles.

"We could just go to my place or yours," he explains, "Finish them up together, quick and easy. Save you some time in the long-run."

“I—” he chokes out, his mouth independently deciding to stop working properly. But despite his best efforts, even despite the fact that his ability to form proper words has abandoned him, Kaidan can't bring himself to resist this idea. Somewhere deep in his consciousness he wonders if he's even trying to resist at all.

He swallows, hopes his voice comes out steady and nonchalant. "Alright, Shepard. How about my place, plus some grub and a beer as thanks?"

Shepard laughs. "You didn't need to bribe me, but you've got yourself a deal."

"Alright, no beer then," Kaidan corrects, and Shepard fakes offense for the second time that night.

"Going back on your word after we shook on it? I'm shocked and appalled—you're not the man I thought you were."

"Never shook on it," he points out, and Shepard gives him a look that he can't help but laugh at. "Let's get going, then—this way," he adds with a nod over his shoulder.

“Thought you were a man of integrity, Kaidan,” Shepard comments with a grin as they start walking together.

“Maybe I’m a man of surprises,” he responds with a sideways smile back at the detective.

For the most part, the rest of the walk back to Kaidan's apartment is silent between them, nothing but the sounds of the city echoing all around them. Despite being winter and the sun setting early now, the city remains as it ever was, and in a way Kaidan appreciates that, the quiet, constant noise. It makes him realise that neither he nor Shepard feel the need to break the silence, comfortable just walking together.

After a couple blocks, though, Kaidan realises it would probably be courteous of him to shoot Ashley a quick text—partly to ask her if she wants him to leave her food in case she gets back too late, mostly to tell her that Shepard is coming over, and that she can make fun of Kaidan all she wants _after_ he leaves.

When he briefly tells Shepard of his message to his roommate, he nods. "Her name is Ashley, right?"

"Good memory."

"Yeah? What's she like?"

"A firecracker," he answers as he sends out the text and puts his omni-tool away. When he swings his hand back down to his side, his hand brushes Shepard's, and he has to will himself simultaneously not to touch him again and not to take a step farther away from the other man. Shepard doesn't really seem to notice, so Kaidan continues, trying not to think about it. "You'd, ah—you'd probably like her."

"I guess we'll find out, huh?" Shepard asks with a glance to him.

"Maybe," Kaidan responds, shrugging slightly. "She'll probably be out late tonight—I doubt she'll make much of an appearance."

"So we'll have the place mostly to ourselves."

"Ah, mostly, yeah," Kaidan confirms intelligently, but he tries not to worry about it too much, instead focusing on not taking Shepard's comment out of context and changing the subject, mostly to what they should have for dinner, a conversation about all their options and what sounds best that lasts all the way up to unlocking the door to his apartment.

Shepard lets out a low whistle when they walk in the door. “Nice place you got here.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan says as he shuts the door behind both of them and begins to kick off his shoes. Following his lead, Shepard begins to take his off as well and Kaidan steps out of the doorway, padding into the kitchen. “What are you in the mood for then, Shepard?”

“Uh,” he hears Shepard begin from the other side of the wall that separates the front hallway and the kitchen. “Something edible.”

“Really funny,” Kaidan fake-laughs, opening the fridge to peer inside as he hears Shepard come around the corner to join him. He quickly reaches in and grabs two beers, shutting it with his hip as he leans over to crack open the two bottles with the countertop. Tops off, he turns around to hand one to Shepard, who quickly takes it and makes a general _cheers_ motion by lifting the bottle up in the air. Kaidan mimics the motion with a nod, and they both take a swig.

“Good stuff,” Shepard comments, inspecting the bottle as he brings it down from his mouth before turning his gaze back to Kaidan. “Anyway, I dunno, you pick, it’s your place.”

“And you’re my guest,” Kaidan gestures to him with the neck of the bottle and Shepard makes a face that just screams _I can’t decide_.

“Any food is good food,” Shepard shrugs. “Long as it’s better than the station’s food,” he finishes after a moment of thought, making Kaidan laugh as he opens the freezer to see what’s inside. “Don’t laugh—I’m sure you had enough protein packs in Alliance.”

“Yeah, no protein packs tonight,” Kaidan agrees.

“Then I’m good with whatever you got to give, Kaidan.”

To that, Kaidan sucks in a breath, steadying himself, hoping it sounds more like a sigh of contemplation than a denial of any possible flirtation. He doesn’t think Shepard is flirting with him, though, so he brushes it aside, closing the freezer to look back in the fridge.

“You good with steak?” Kaidan asks when he spies a few pieces inside on a shelf.

“More than good,” Shepard says, taking another sip from his beer. “If I’d known you were treating me, I’d have bought us a good wine or something.”

“More of a beer and whiskey man, myself,” he notes as he pulls out the steaks, and Shepard chuckles as he sits down at one of the bar stools in front of the counter.

“Duly noted. You had this prepared or something?”

“Was gonna make this for Ash and I tonight,” Kaidan shrugs.

“Whoa, whoa—I’m not stealing her dinner, am I?”

“No way—there’s four pieces of steak here, Shepard,” Kaidan shakes his head, then grins despite the fact that Shepard can’t see it as he turns away to turn on the stovetop and oven. “You’re just stealing my dinner for tomorrow night.”

“Well, you’re my friend, so I don’t feel guilty about that at all,” the man comments with a shrug, a smirk, and another sip of his beer, and Kaidan’s can’t help the smile and the tangled feeling in his stomach when he hears the word _friend_.

“You’d steal from me but not my roommate, huh, Shepard? Awful. Might have to reconsider our friendship.”

“You might have to, yeah,” he responds, and Kaidan can’t even bringing himself to look in Shepard’s general direction when he says that with that tone of voice, low and teasing.

“Go ahead and pull out the tests from my bag and I’ll be right with you,” he says instead of something more like _yeah, I just might have to,_ forcing himself to focus on getting their dinner ready—three steaks, roasted green beans, and two baked potatoes for himself, Shepard, and Ash, whenever she might eventually arrive home. Luckily for Kaidan, Shepard simply agrees and goes off to retrieve the tests they left in his bag by the door, allowing Kaidan a moment to take a breath and wipe a hand down his face before his guest returns with two red pens and that particular smirk of his that is beginning to drive him crazy.

Together, they delve into the papers, and by the time the food is ready, Shepard’s managed to finish almost three-quarters of all the tests, cracking his knuckles as he hands the thick stack over to Kaidan across the counter.

“You’re quick, I’ll give you that,” Kaidan remarks with a half-nod as he looks over the papers briefly, flipping through the pages of the top test to make sure Shepard is making the correct marks.

“Gotta be, where I’m from,” Shepard intones.

“Which is?” Kaidan asks, trying to be more conversational about it than prying. When Kaidan looks up from the last page of the test, all marks accounted for, Shepard just gives him a sad smile that makes his heart thump off-rhythm in his chest.

“Long story,” Shepard says, his smile brightening as he continues, “Maybe another dinner, when we don’t have a hundred tests to grade.”

As Kaidan places the papers down to pull out plates and silverware for their food, he can’t stop thinking about how Shepard had said _we._

Sitting down now next to Shepard with both of their plates heavy with food, he nods at him and agrees quietly, “Another time.” For that, Shepard seems grateful—or maybe that’s the fact that a steak has been placed in front of him. The rest of their meal is quiet, both enjoying a good meal at the end of a long day of work. By the time they’re both done with all their food plus a couple beers between them, Shepard reaches over to clap Kaidan on the shoulder.

“That was amazing,” he says. “Probably the best I’ve had in weeks.”

“You cook for yourself much at all?”

“Mm, sometimes,” Shepard answers, scratching a shoulder as Kaidan stands and collects their empty plates together to place them in the sink. “My roommate’s outta town most of the time - harder to cook for one than it is for two. Not good at portion-sizing.”

“What’s your roommate do that he’s not around so much?”

“Joker?  He’s a pilot - out flying shuttles and all sorts of things around.  Used to be Alliance before a year or so ago - you might’ve known him.”

“Think I would’ve remembered someone whose name is Joker,” Kaidan chuckles, turning back around to stand across the counter from Shepard to reach for his current beer.

“His name’s Jeff Moreau, actually,” Shepard says, reaching for his own.

“Jeff Moreau,” Kaidan repeats, resting one hip against the counter in thought.  “I think I’ve heard about him in passing, yeah.  Rumour is no one's ever seen him without a hat."

"That's true, actually," Shepard says, tipping back slightly in his seat to look up at the ceiling.  "I live with him and I don't think I've ever seen him without a hat."

"A rumour mill getting something right for once," Kaidan chuckles. "Go figure."

With dinner squared away, they take their beers and move into the living room, stretching out on the couch together, feet up on the coffee table and tests in hand. In a way, Kaidan thinks distantly as they start to grade papers again, it feels just like being on the train together, minus the noise and the people and the subway smell. But it’s comfortable, even when it probably should feel weird—Shepard comes over for the very first time after months of them talking to one another and saving each other seats, and they spend the evening grading papers? Yet Shepard had volunteered— _suggested_ it, actually. It had been his idea, and now here they are, sitting on Kaidan’s couch with a couple of beers, grading his tests, and somehow it still feels comfortable.

“Hey,” Shepard says beside him, “Pick a song.”

“A song?”

“Yeah.” The glow of his omni-tool catches Kaidan’s eye, making him look over to his hands. “Pick a song, or a genre, or whatever you want—I’ll play it through your speakers,” he finishes, nodding in the direction of the small speakers on the other side of the room.

“Huh. Okay, how about some alt or some old school rock?”

“I’m beginning to think you have a type, Kaidan,” Shepard says with a grin as he scrolls through the list of songs on his omni-tool.

“Maybe, yeah,” Kaidan begins, then thinks better of it—Shepard’s not flirting with him, he’s just teasing because they’re friends. Friends do that. He and Ashley do all the time—even Liara teases him, subtle as it might be. From all that he’s heard about his turian partner, Shepard and Garrus do nothing _but_ tease each other. “I think most people have a _type_ in music, though.” Beside him, Shepard chuckles quietly, though the noise is quickly drowned out by the speakers picking up the first few notes of a song.

Within just over a half hour, around the occasional question asking Kaidan what he thinks of this or that song, Shepard manages to finish the last of the multiple choice and short answer questions, passing the tests over to Kaidan with a triumphant smirk.

“Nice job, Shepard,” he says, taking the papers and shuffling the ones with unmarked essays into his stack. “Sure saved me a lot of time, and Ash a headache. Probably me a headache, too, actually.”

“Glad to be of service,” Shepard tilts his head in acknowledgement, giving a showy wave of his hand before he leans back into the couch again, one arm—the one closest to Kaidan—over the back of the couch. Right when his heart starts going into overdrive, though, Shepard takes the arm back, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees, eyes still on Kaidan, a gentle smile on his lips. “Want me to help you crack down on some of those essays?”

“Nah, you don’t have to, it’s—”

“Kaidan, I’m back,” calls a voice from the hallway of the front door, causing Shepard to look away. Kaidan’s eyes following a moment after, right when Ashley steps forward with a hand on the wall to help her kick off her shoes. It takes her a moment to realise Shepard is there with him, blinking in the image of them on the couch when she does. “Oh, hello.”

Kaidan chuckles. “I did text you earlier, you know.”

“Haven’t checked anything yet,” she responds, stepping forward and up to the couch to offer her hand to Shepard. “Ashley Williams.”

“John Shepard,” he answers, taking her hand easily and firmly before dropping his hands and sitting a little more upright. “Shepard’s fine, though.”

“Nice to meet you, Shepard,” she says, then gives a knowing glance to Kaidan that makes his heart drop into his stomach. He tries to silently plead with her not to make a _complete_ fool out him, but she’s already looked back to the man beside him. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Good things, I hope,” Shepard glances at Kaidan and Ashley makes a noncommittal noise in response, turning away from them and into the kitchen.

“Don’t trust her,” Kaidan whispers to Shepard, making the other man laugh.

“What was that?” Ash asks, looking back at Kaidan, who simply raises his hands in a _wasn’t me_ gesture, huffing a laugh as he does. “That’s what I thought.”

“I like her already,” Shepard whispers back to him, and Kaidan can’t help feeling the tangle in his gut, a distant, disappointed hope.

“Ah, steak,” Ash sighs from the kitchen, unwrapping the plate of food Kaidan left out for her on the counter. “I’m starved.”

“Kaidan did make an amazing dinner,” Shepard comments.

“Always does,” Ash agrees. “Anyway. So, Shepard. Kaidan’s told me you’re a cop.”

“I’m a detective, yeah,” he answers, and Ashley shrugs off the difference as she pulls out silverware to begin eating, staying standing at the counter. “I work at the precinct nearby Kaidan’s high school.”

“You should pick him up in a cop car sometime,” Ash suggests before taking a bite of her steak.

“That’s what I said!”

“Oh, God,” Kaidan half-sighs, half-laughs. “You two’ll get on like a house on fire.” Beside him, Shepard laughs, and Ash shrugs her shoulders from where she’s leaning against the counter, though Kaidan knows she’s smiling and thinking about how much dirt she can expose on him.

“Hey, any of those beers left?” Ash asks, nodding at the empty bottles strewn about.

“Definitely—should be plenty in the fridge.” With a nod of acknowledgement to Kaidan’s words, Ash spins around to pull three beers out of the fridge, tossing the first to Shepard, which he catches easily.

“Whoa there, Ash!” Kaidan says as he catches the one tossed to him. Across the room, Ash merely shrugs, moving back to her dinner, though she pauses a moment, looking at them.

“Were you guys grading papers?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan begins, “I gave out a test today and Shepard decided to help and—”

“Grading papers without me, Kaidan?” Ash shakes her head, taking a quick sip of her drink. “I’m deeply offended, but mostly relieved. Thanks for that, Shepard, by the way—Kaidan always makes me grade with him and I’m more than happy to give that job to you instead.”

Shepard chuckles, settling back into the couch once more and taking a sip of his new beer, his old bottle emptied some time ago. “I’m happy to help anytime.”

“How about permanently?” Ash asks, and to Shepard it probably sounds like a joke, but knowing Ashley as long as he has means it’s a potential embarrassment, and Kaidan winces, hoping Shepard doesn’t catch onto it. “Seriously, please. I hate grading—only reason I do it is for this geek,” she finishes, tilting her bottle towards Kaidan before taking a sip.

“Hey!” he calls out, getting flustered.

“It’s not that bad,” Shepard says after a moment, glancing at Kaidan, who tries to nonchalantly roll his eyes to indicate that Ash is only joking, rather than seriously suggesting.

“Right. So, what are you guys up to now?” she asks.

Kaidan shrugs.  “Well, I was just gonna finish up these last few essays. Shepard, you don’t have to stick around—”

“What’s the rush?” Ashley says, turning to him. Kaidan isn’t averse to the idea of Shepard staying here longer—quite the opposite, actually. He’s just worried about how much more Ashley can ruin his life with this opportunity. “I mean I won’t stop you, but you don’t have to go yet on my account.”

Shepard settles into the couch a little more. “Well, then I guess I’ll stay for a little bit.”

“Great!” Ashley exclaims.

“Well, um…” Kaidan wonders aloud, “what do you want to do then?”

Before Shepard has the chance to respond, Ashley speaks up. “We could watch Star Trek.”

“Oh?” That seems to have caught Shepard’s interest.

“Mm hmm. It’s Kaidan’s new favourite show.”

“Yeah?” Shepard glances at him, a smile on his face, and Kaidan feels flustered all over again, hoping she doesn’t tell him anything more.

“Yup,” she nods, crushing Kaidan’s hopes once more. “Suggested we start watching it a little before he went on winter break, I think. We’ve been watching it constantly since.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan chimes in, then flounders on how he might deflect the knowing smirks he’s getting from Shepard and Ashley, if for two very different reasons. “Hey, how about we watch an episode? You guys in?”

“Definitely,” Shepard says, and Ashley shrugs and tilts her head in answer, a yes if he ever saw one from her while she has her mouth full—and thank goodness she does, too, so she doesn’t have the opportunity to call him out on anything more as he gets up to load the next episode of Deep Space Nine. It’s just his luck when he turns around to find Ash sitting down on the couch with her plate of food right where he’d been sitting before, leaving him only a small space to seat himself. Right next to Shepard. Of course. Because despite the fact that there’s also a perfectly open chair, Ash would decide to do this to him.

Resigned to his fate, Kaidan takes the open spot between them, Ash gently nudging him with an elbow. She’d probably wink at him suggestively if he looked over, so he refrains, keeping his eyes on the remaining few tests instead.

The next thing he realises is that he’s being nudged awake by someone—Ashley, standing behind the couch, by the feel of it. Blearily, he thinks about sitting up to stretch when he realises the world is at a slight angle, and that his head is resting against something that is definitely _not_ the couch cushions he’d normally expect.

It’s Shepard. He’d fallen asleep, and his head had ended up resting against— well, _Shepard’s_ head, by the look of it. They’d both fallen asleep and ended up slumped together, Shepard’s head on his shoulder, Kaidan’s head on his.

Ashley shoves at his other shoulder once again.  Kaidan cranes his head to look back at her. “What?”

“You guys look so cute,” she whispers, smiling sweetly at him, which she never does, so he knows it’s fake. “Ask him out or I’ll kill you.” She pats his arm in mock-sympathy as she gets up from the couch, and Kaidan curses both his luck and Ashley’s existence.

As his best friend takes her plate into the kitchen, Kaidan tries gently to roll the shoulder Shepard is currently resting on. “Shepard, hey. Wake up, Shepard.”

With a sharp intake of breath, Shepard snaps awake and back upright, almost knocking his head into Kaidan’s in the process. He seems startled at first, but when he looks around him, to Ashley turning off the TV and finally to Kaidan, he settles a little, his expression going from alert to _I’ve been woken up unexpectedly and would like to go back to sleep now_.

“Kaidan,” Shepard murmurs, making his heart clench.

“How about you stay here tonight, huh?” Kaidan suggests gently, reaching out to gently rub the man’s shoulder before he realises he’s doing it. With an awkward pat to cover up the mistake, he—half reluctantly—takes his hand back. “We’ve had a fair amount to drink. I can get you a pillow and some blankets.”

Shepard seems to consider it a moment, looking him over tiredly before looking away with a shake of his head. “No, no, I should really get home. I feel fine, anyway. And I need to… yeah, I should go.”

“Hey, no, it’s okay, Shepard,” Ash says from across the coffee table, her arms crossed over her chest like she does when she’s ready to go to sleep. “Just stay here, it’s not a problem.”

The man simply shakes his head, pushing himself up off the couch. “No, I have something I’ve gotta do tonight.”

“Shepard, it’s nearly midnight,” Ash says. “What could you possibly have to do?”

Shepard reaches up and rubs his eyes, taking a moment to before he answers, and Kaidan can’t tell if it’s because he’s tired or because he’s thinking of how to answer.

“I have to make a call,” Shepard explains. “Long distance—you know, time zones and such,” he waves a hand in a broad gesture.

“That’s okay,” Kaidan says, getting up off the couch to walk Shepard to the door. When they reach the door, Ash leaning against the corner of the hallway’s wall, Shepard bends down to put his shoes back on, and Kaidan smiles down at him. “Hey, thanks for all your help earlier. You’ve definitely saved Ash some agony.”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Ash comments from her spot on the wall, and Shepard chuckles, a sound that’s genuine but quiet, tired.

“Like I said, it’s no problem,” Shepard says, rising when he’s slipped on his shoes.

“Well, it was nice meeting you,” Ashley says, and Shepard smiles back at her.

“Likewise.” With that, Ash turns away, walking back into the living room to turn off the lights in the kitchen, leaving the two men alone together in the entranceway. “Hey, I was wondering,” Shepard begins.

“Mm?”

“Garrus and I are meeting his girlfriend tomorrow night at a bar not too far from here. How about you join us?”

“Huh? Join you and—I dunno, I don’t wanna intrude, Shepard,” Kaidan answers, shifting on his feet.

“You won’t be—I invited you, Kaidan,” Shepard reassures him, his smile soft and happy, creases at the corners of his eyes, and Kaidan can’t resist. He nods. “Okay. I’ll see you at Apollo’s, 9PM. Good?”

“Apollo’s, 9PM,” Kaidan repeats. “Got it.” Shepard nods back at him, opening the door to let himself out.

As soon as Kaidan turns around and moves back into the living room, Shepard closing the door behind himself, he hears Ashley call him from the kitchen, saying, “Well, I wasn’t wrong.”

“Hm? About what?”

“About you and me calling him _hot subway guy_ ,” she explains, raising her voice and tilting her head towards the door as she says the last three words. Heat rises to Kaidan’s face at just the mention of the nickname.  He chooses to believe Shepard is out of earshot.

“You’re the worst, you know that?” The grin on Ash’s face is so wide, indicating that, yes, she knows that. Kaidan can only shake his head, laughing quietly in exasperation as he turns away from her to walk to his room. “Good night, Ash.”

“He is though!”

“Good _night_ , Ashley,” he laughs over his shoulder, not even looking back at her. Despite her teasing, he leaves with a warmth in his chest, carrying it all the way into bed with him.

Apollo’s, 9PM.

He sleeps well that night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard both meet some old friends, and neither of them go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! Michelle here again, this time with a frankly embarrassingly long chapter for you guys ... it wouldn't leave me alone I'm sorry. (anyway, at the risk of sounding repetitive, I won't say thank you for reading and for your lovely feedback but ... yeah, you know what I mean.) [also on tumblr](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/121078812387)

It’s not a date, Kaidan reminds himself, sitting at a round table at the bar where Shepard had said he’d meet him at nine o’clock. At least, he’s pretty sure it isn’t a date. Just because the friends Shepard is bringing along are dating doesn’t mean anything has to be going on between Shepard and himself. They’re friends, and friends hang out with other friends, even if those other friends are dating, right? Yeah.

The clock on the wall says it’s still ten to nine, making Kaidan grimace slightly. Despite the fact that this is supposed to be just a casual night out with friends, he feels very unprepared. After a good fifteen minutes of staring at his closer while Ashley rolled her eyes almost constantly at him, he’d finally settled on a blue button-up with his navy jacket to ward off the chill of the evening, but is that too nice? Or too casual? Apollo’s feels like a pretty normal bar, but then it’s not like he goes out to drink on Thursday nights that often, so how would he know what the protocol for this sort of thing is? He feels about as ridiculous as Ashley was telling him he was earlier.

He briefly considers ordering one quick shot just to settle his nerves, but then Shepard steps through the door, spots Kaidan at his table, and grins. Kaidan’s heart rate picks up as it always does when faced with that disarming smile and he tries his best to tamp down on the feeling as Shepard makes his way over, followed by a turian on one side, and a very familiar quarian on the other.

“Tali!” he exclaims, standing up and pulling her into a quick hug when she's close, momentarily distracted from Shepard and his nerves. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too, Kaidan,” Tali replies. “How are you?"

"I'm great. You?"

"I'm great as well."  Her accented voice then takes on a wry note.  "How’s the omni-tool? Still using the Logic Arrest?”

Kaidan grins in challenge. “It’s still the best model.”

“Not for running multiple encryption algorithms simultaneously. You need a Nexus.”

“Nexus processing cores are years behind the curve!” he defends.

Tali puts her hands on her hips and he can hear the triumph in her voice when she says, “That’s why you overclock the microframe.”

Shepard steps forward and takes the seat next to Kaidan's, chuckling as he settles in. "Well, the geek squad reunion”—Tali and Kaidan both make offended sounds—“saves me one introduction. As for the other: Kaidan, this is my partner and Tali’s boytoy, Garrus.”

“You always say the nicest things, Shepard,” Garrus says, moving to take his own seat on the other side of Shepard, leaving Tali the remaining chair between himself and Kaidan. “So, Kaidan. Nice to finally put a face to the name.”

“Likewise,” Kaidan says, extending a hand to Garrus. “I’ve heard lots about you.”

“Lots? Uh-oh,” Garrus says as he briefly shakes Kaidan’s hand, narrowing his eyes at Shepard.

“Mostly good stuff,” Kaidan assures him. “Crime-fighting antics and what not.  Although… there was something unflattering about a revolving door at a holiday party?” He admits cheekily. A quick glance at Shepard reveals him poorly attempting to bite down a wide grin.

Turians obviously can’t blush, but Garrus’s mandibles do some weird twitching that Kaidan equates to some kind of embarrassment before he recovers. “He told you that one? Low blow, Shepard.” His expression then changes again. “But lucky for me, I guess this gives me permission to tell you all the embarrassing stories I’ve accumulated about Shepard over the years.”

Kaidan raises one eyebrow and grins, intrigued. He casts a glance over to Shepard, only to see his friend’s eyes stricken with real fear, as well as a blush preemptively creeping up his neck. Now Kaidan’s even more eager to hear some of these stories. “Really?”

“Hey, here’s the menu,” Shepard announces loudly and deliberately. “We came here to drink, remember?”

“I don’t know, Shepard,” Tali drawls, even though she does take a menu and flip to the dextro side. “I’ve known you a while and even I want to hear some of these.”

Shepard clears his throat, glancing between Garrus and Tali, much to Kaidan’s amusement. “I’m… beginning to think I won’t be able to avoid this, so at least let me have a drink or two before you pull out the really incriminating stuff, alright?”

“Fair enough,” Garrus concedes, leaning over to read the drink menu over Tali’s shoulder.

There are only two menus on the table, so much like their alien counterparts, Shepard and Kaidan end up sharing the other, huddling together slightly so they can both read it. Kaidan tries to keep his heart rate down in light of the proximity of Shepard’s face to his own— _again,_ he reminds himself, _not a date._

Once the waiter has been by to take their orders, Shepard immediately picks up the ball on conversation topics, likely trying to ensure said topic isn't him. “So, Kaidan, how do you and Tali know each other?”

“We took a few classes together back in university,” Tali explains for him, and he smiles over at her. “Mostly tech and engineering. Some of those classes were pretty big, and there weren’t many quarians around, but Kaidan and I ended up working on a robotics project together one time. After that, it was just a matter of looking for a familiar face, so we sat together and collaborated a lot.”

“Tali was top of all of those classes, by the way,” Kaidan throws in.

“Well, of course I was,” Tali affirms, her tone boastful but still light, teasing. “But you did give me a run for my money in some of them.”

Garrus’s subharmonics click a bit in disappointment. “Damn, I thought it was gonna be something a little more exciting than that.”

Kaidan shrugs. “Sorry to disappoint, but, hey,” he says, shooting Tali another friendly smile. “Small galaxy, huh?”

Having Tali here is an amazing surprise, he finds, since he’d been kind of nervous about meeting Shepard’s friends. He wants make a good impression, wants them to like him and approve of him and Shepard being friends—the fact that he already knows one of them, paired with the fact that Garrus seems like the most easy-going, friendly individual Kaidan can imagine, has quelled a lot of his nerves about how this night might go.

Now, he thinks, all he has to deal with is Shepard, looking over at the man in question as Tali chats with Garrus about work that day. Kaidan hadn’t had the chance to look properly earlier given Tali's surprise presence, but now he does, taking in how absurdly attractive Shepard looks in his casual outfit: a plain grey t-shirt with a leather jacket over top, black with subtle red accents. In the low light and warm colours of the bar, Shepard’s blue eyes seem even more striking—even more so because they’ve now become fixated on him. Under that gaze, he feels his skin heat up in a different way than usual, and it’s a strange sensation, one that sends Kaidan reeling.

Now, he can obviously recognise that some people are very aesthetically attractive, and he’s familiar with the feeling of being interested in someone, wanting to talk to them for hours and learn all about them, wanting to be around them and see their smile every day. He feels that for Shepard—wants to be around him, get to know him, be a _reason_ he smiles—but rarely do both of those sorts of feelings coincide and culminate in what he’s experiencing now, the feeling making him feel nervous and flustered and completely out of his depth, a heat pooling low in his gut, the urge to reach out and touch him creeping up his arms, down his spine, settling somewhere deep inside him like a fire that’s burning too hot to douse easily.

Kaidan swallows, looking determinedly away. This might still be a difficult night to get through in one piece, after all.

“How about you, Garrus?” he asks, forcing himself to recover from the momentary lapse of concentration by looking over at the turian. “How did you and Tali meet?”

“Ah, well. Long story short, Tali found herself in a bit of a situation, and I, fearless detective and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy, managed to swoop in to help out and save the day. Tali was the brains of the operation, of course, but it was all really quite heroic on my part…”

Tali scoffs loudly, shoving him in the side. “ _Long story short,_ he was working a case and needed access to some classified files—files belonging to the company whose cybersecurity I manage. I got him some information I’m technically not allowed to give out, so he said he owed me a favour. I told him he could buy me a drink.”

“Yeah, but my explanation was cooler.”

“Also vastly inaccurate,” Tali reposts. “Besides, I thought you liked me for more than my tech skills.”

Garrus’s mandibles twitch a bit. “Hey, completely seriously, you do know I respect you and like you for lots of reasons, right?”

“Really? I just like you for your body,” Tali tells him slyly, sending the other three into a fit of laughter. Kaidan had forgotten how much fun Tali was to be around. He’s glad she seems to have found a really decent partner in Garrus, at least. Despite the bickering, he can’t think of two nicer people.

“You run cybersecurity for one of the companies around here?” Kaidan asks Tali once they quiet down.

“Serrice Technology, yes. And please,” she replies, waving a hand, “I don’t run it, I invented the entire system they’re currently using—a system that is the most foolproof on the market, by the way.”

Kaidan smiles. He knew Tali was extremely smart, without a doubt creative and talented. He knew she’d go far after graduation, but it still makes him happy to hear she did so well for herself after they'd lost contact once he enlisted.

“Kaidan’s work is pretty interesting too,” Shepard cuts in, making Kaidan glance down bashfully.

“Yeah, well, nothing like developing encryption algorithms and software for huge tech corporations. I just teach high school kids science.”

Shepard nudges him in the shoulder. “Hey, not just any high school kids.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows pull together slightly as he wonders why exactly Shepard is so insistent on getting him to talk about his job, the job that is clearly the most boring out of the four at this table. “I mean, I teach at the biotic school, but still, just classroom stuff…”

“So you’re not a biotic yourself?” Garrus asks.

“Oh, no, I am,” Kaidan replies. “Only a few teachers actually teach things related to biotics—the rest of us just cover regular, important classes—but only biotics can work there.”

“How come?”

Kaidan frowns. “Security reasons, partly, but there’s still a lot of bigotry towards human biotics, so there are non-biotic teachers who’d probably refuse to work there anyway. It can be very isolating, being a biotic, especially growing up, and … well. I guess we hope it’s a lot better for the students’ mental health and safety, getting to be around both students and staff with similar life experiences, who know what they’re going through.” He looks down. “They didn’t have schools like this when I was young. I mean, they had— I went to— well… something different. It wasn’t as successful. I think schools like this do a lot of good, so I’m happy to be a part of them.”

From the corner of his eye, he notices Shepard watching him intently. He feels a flash of embarrassment that the mood at the table has darkened significantly, despite trying to end it with a more positive note.

Thankfully, before anyone can ask what ‘something different’ entails, the server finally arrives with their drinks, which they all accept and thank him for.

“Anyway.” He shakes his head, trying to get the conversation back on track again, lighten the mood. The air in the bar is much warmer than outside, so he shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over the chair behind him, and takes a long sip of his beer before launching into a story. “I say my colleagues are all pretty normal, but then there’s Jack…”

And so the evening goes, the four of them exchanging stories and laughs between drinks. Kaidan usually has a tough time fitting in with new people, due to his sense of humour which he’s been told is... less than conventional, and his shyness in general. Still, he finds himself a willing participant in the conversations, listening to Shepard and Garrus recount stories of their strangest cases, telling them in turn about some of his more unique students (and fellow staff), helping Tali remember their favourite courses and professors back in school, and laughing at Shepard’s discomfort when Garrus and Tali take turns telling him about embarrassing things Shepard has done over the years they’ve known him.

“‘Big, stupid jellyfish?' You’re kidding,” Kaidan laughs.

Shepard grumbles, making Garrus and Tali chuckle too. “I didn’t know they were a hanar ambassador, okay.”  

Kaidan had been tentative about this outing earlier, but between the good company, good beer, the way that Shepard looks happier and more lively than he’s ever seen him, and the lightness in his own chest, he can’t imagine it having turned out any better.

The fact that Shepard looks more attractive as the night goes on—especially when he shrugs off his leather jacket, leaving only the t-shirt—and that he keeps seemingly unconsciously adjusting his seat to be nearer to Kaidan… well. That’s just a bonus.

Before he knows it, midnight rolls around—indicated by a quiet chirp from his omni-tool.  Kaidan is drunk enough that he’s laughing probably too loudly and too much, but at least not so drunk that it messes with his biotics and makes him glow blue.  Despite the time, they’re all still deep in friendly conversation, everyone on their third drink, Garrus and Shepard describing some of their friends at the precinct.  

“So there’s Captain Anderson, and then there’s Sergeant Lawson.”  

“Oh, man, Miranda Lawson is…” Garrus begins. “Well. The word ‘law’ is literally in her name.”

“It’s probably her middle name, too,” Shepard says, taking a sip of beer. “Or maybe it’s ‘badass’. I really don’t know.”

“Mostly likely both." Garrus takes a sip in turn, before looking over at Kaidan. “Speaking of, if you’re looking for even more dirt on Shepard—”

“Please don’t—”

“—One time, Shepard dried to out-drink her and he was practically dead before she was even starting to feel it.”

Shepard tries to brush it off as Kaidan chuckles at the image. “Yeah, yeah, we all make mistakes. Terrible, horrible mistakes.” He shudders. “Miranda can lay down the law, but she can also put back the drinks. That perfect genome of hers probably means a perfect metabolism, too. I still don’t remember what happened after that one shot she ordered us with the weird name.”

Garrus laughs, clapping him on the shoulder. “And you never will.”

Around them, Apollo’s is beginning to wind down, most of the patrons on their way out if they haven’t left already. However, even in spite of the drowsiness, the knowledge that he’s going to regret the late night when he gets to school in the morning, and the first tendrils of a migraine he can feel creepin through the back of his head, he doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want this night to end.

Garrus apparently has other ideas. He stands up and stretches his arms a bit. “Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I could definitely use some fresh air.”

Tali stands next. “Agreed. My suit filters could probably use a chance to recharge and detox—besides, it is getting a bit late.”

“It’s nice out, we can always just walk around for a bit, wander back in the direction of our places,” Shepard suggests, pulling his leather jacket back on. Kaidan hasn’t had _that_ much to drink but he’s definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol when he thinks, involuntarily, that he’d much prefer if Shepard just kept that jacket off for the rest of the night so he can keep admiring how well just the t-shirt fits him, emphasising the taut muscles underneath.

He coughs to cover his embarrassment at the thought, putting his own jacket back on as well.

Tali and Garrus pay first—Tali insists it’s her turn to pay and covers for the both of them—but when Kaidan goes to settle his own tab, Shepard steps in front of him and tells the hostess, “I’ll pay for the two of us.”

“Hey,” Kaidan says, frowning at him. “I’ve got it, it’s okay.”

“I’m returning the favour for dinner last night,” Shepard tells him, already pulling out his credit chit.

“No, that was _me_ returning the favour for you helping mark all those tests—and exams, and lab reports and…”

“Too late,” Shepard says, already having paid.

Kaidan just looks at him, unimpressed. “I owe you.”

“You really don’t.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Kaidan,” Garrus pipes up from where he and Tali had been giggling at something privately. “Shepard just loves grading your papers, anyway.”

“He… what?” Kaidan says, unsure what that’s supposed to mean. “Was that sarcastic?”

Shepard shakes his head, saying, “Don’t worry about it.” Kaidan, still slightly confused, decides it's probably best to dismiss the entire conversation, following Shepard—who elbows Garrus in the side as he passes—out the door.

It’s cooler out now than it had been when Kaidan had taken the bus from his apartment earlier that evening, and he pulls his jacket a little tighter around himself, zipping it up in the front. Tali picks a direction and they follow her, just wandering and enjoying the relief from the warmth of Apollo’s. Garrus falls in line beside Tali, leaving Shepard and Kaidan walking side-by-side a few steps behind them. Now that they’re not all sitting around a table together, Kaidan finds there’s much less pressure to talk, which is nice. He’s satisfied to just walk along quietly and let it be, with just the sounds of the city around them, the quiet voices of Garrus and Tali in front of them—he can’t pick out much save the word ‘calibrations’ from time to time—and the comforting presence of Shepard beside him.

“So…” Shepard ventures aloud, turning a grin on Kaidan that he’s yet to decide if he likes or not—likes because it lights up Shepard’s face, and dislikes because he’s learning it means trouble. “ _Hot subway guy_ , huh?”

Kaidan nearly trips. Definitely trouble.

“I, uh, you…” Kaidan falters, fumbling his words. He risks a quick glance at Shepard, and feels the heat rise in his cheeks even more when he sees Shepard’s predatory grin. He’s enjoying this.

“Ashley came up with that, you know, she was teasing me and I…” he trails off with a sigh. “Can we change the subject, please?” He’d beg if need be, if only it would change the subject for good.

“Fine,” Shepard says good-naturedly, though he’s laughing, and Kaidan thinks about how he’s going to call Ashley out on this later for all this. Maybe he’ll call her sisters and tell _them_ something embarrassing Ash has done recently. Before he can really begin to devise a plan, Shepard interrupts his thoughts with a new question. “How was work, then?”

Kaidan jumps at the chance to tease Shepard instead. “Is ‘how was work’ what you ask every time you can’t think of something to say, or are you just really that interested in what I do?”

“I can ask about your nickname for me more, if you like.”

“ _Not_ what I meant,” Kaidan says, blushing.

“Then what do you mean?”

“Earlier, when I was telling Tali and Garrus about what I do,” he clarifies. "Do we not talk enough about it on the subway?”

Shepard catches his eyes for a moment before looking forward again. “No, I just didn’t want you to sell yourself short. What you do is important too, you know.”

Kaidan exhales sharply, halfway between a laugh and a scoff. “Yeah, but I’m not exactly out creating the new standard for information security, or keeping people safe on a daily basis.”

“Sure you are,” Shepard insists, and Kaidan fights not to scoff again. After all, he does respect Shepard's opinion, even if he doesn't agree. “You said it yourself: your biotic students are way happier and safer because they don’t have to be out among everyone else all the time, or going to… wherever you said you went to school when you were their age. Which, by the way, you never really specified.”

Kaidan swallows around the lump in his throat, willing himself not to let the memories overwhelm him. This topic isn’t really suitable for right now, not when he’s been in such a good mood for the last few hours. Trying to avoid answering, he says, “Ah, what I went to wasn’t exactly a school.”

“So it was…?”

“A story for another time,” Kaidan says with finality. It probably comes out more harshly than he meant it to, sending a wave of guilt through his chest. Shepard, who had been looking at him moments before, has turned to stare at the back of Garrus’s head, now more than a few feet in front of them, confirming his suspicions on how he must sound. He frantically tries to save the conversation, not wanting to let everything drop on a sad note. “But, hey, enough about me. How’s work for you these days?”

Shepard shrugs evasively. “Fine.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Then how come you’re so tired all the time?” Kaidan blurts out. His biotic metabolism burns through alcohol pretty fast, but apparently not fast enough to keep it from impeding his speech filters at the moment.

Shepard chuckles mirthlessly. “That obvious, am I?”

“You fell asleep watching Star Trek last night, and I know it’s your favourite.” He omits the part where Shepard had fallen asleep on him. For the second time in the last couple weeks. “And I don’t see you on the train as much anymore.”

“A bunch of my shifts got moved to later in the evening,” he explains quickly, before sighing a bit. "So my internal clock’s a bit off, plus... I guess I’m just on my feet more than usual.” Kaidan’s still looking at him with concern, if not a little skepticism, which he seems to notice. “It’s nothing major. Don’t worry about me.”

 _Too late,_ Kaidan thinks.

“Anyways, there’s always times when they need the squad to pull more hours than others, I’m sure it’ll go back to normal eventually…”

Shepard keeps talking, but it becomes background noise as Kaidan notices movement out of the corner of his eye. They’re walking through an area that’s a bit sparser in large buildings, but with lots of small, dark streets and quiet alleys and nooks tucked away between shops. Down one of these alleys, Kaidan spots what appears to be two human men. He slows down to get a better look, noticing with a shock of fear that one of them has his fist bared, possibly a knife clutched in one, backing the other into the wall intimidatingly.

Kaidan stops walking, bumps Shepard in the arm with his own to get his attention.

“Hmm?”

“Look,” Kaidan murmurs, jerking his head towards the two men. “That guy’s in trouble.”

Shepard squints to get a better look, but once he sees them, instead of jumping into action like Kaidan would expect, he just straightens and tries to start moving again, but there's a look on his face that unsettles him. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“You’re… what?” Kaidan asks, not sure he heard him right. “Come on, we’ve gotta do something.”

Once again, instead of moving toward the alley to break up a potentially deadly situation, Shepard just pulls out his omni-tool. Kaidan looks at him, stunned. “We’ll call it in," he says.

“Why would we call it in where _we’re right here?_ ” When Shepard still doesn’t react, seeming somehow flustered, Kaidan makes the decision for him. “Fine, you stay here. _I’ll_ do something.”

“Kaidan, wait!" Shepard calls, but he’s already marching towards the two men in the alley, calling loudly, "Hey!"

The one guy—who is definitely holding a knife, albeit a small one—starts a bit and jumps back a step from the man with his hands up, giving Kaidan the second he needs to push him back. “Get out of here,” he tells the man still against the wall, before turning to the former and demanding, harshly, “Who are you and what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The man flexes his fingers slightly, half-surrendering, hands up by his head. He's still lightly clutching the knife, though, and that's enough for Kaidan to glare at him all the more. “Hey look, man, I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding…”

Instead of trying to further explain himself, he lunges—rather clumsily—at Kaidan with the knife. There's no force behind it, just a move trying to knock him back more than anything. Kaidan does stumble out of the way a couple steps, but before the man can make another move, Shepard comes up beside him, quickly disarming him and tossing the knife to the ground. Kaidan sighs with relief, sure that Shepard’s about to wrench the man’s arms behind his back to keep them locked out of the way, but instead he lets go and shoves the man forward, and Kaidan’s guard goes back up, suspicion and frustration bursting in his gut.

“What are you doing here?” Shepard says to the man, more admonishing than authoritative, almost like he knows him, which, Kaidan figures, he might, if this guy is a regular offender.

The guy seems to know Shepard too, but not as someone to be afraid of. “Hey, Shepard,” he greets, smiling a bit, and Kaidan is very, very confused, glancing between the two men before him. “You mind clearing things up here? I was just in the middle of some… negotiations, you know how it is, when this wannabe comes along and interrupts—”  

“I think you should get lost, Finch,” Shepard tells him darkly. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Hey, I was just improvising, being proactive," the man—Finch—replies easily. "‘Sides, you ain’t the boss of me.”

“I said, get the fuck out of my sight. Now.”

Kaidan can’t just stand by and listen to this anymore. “Shepard, how do you know this guy? And why aren’t you arres—”

“What’s going on here?” Garrus’ voice is sharp, authoritative where Shepard's currently isn't. He and Tali seem to have noticed the commotion and come down to investigate as well.

“Garrus, I’m glad you’re here,” Kaidan says. “Hopefully _you’ve_ got your badge on you, at least.”

Finch blanches visibly. “Badge? Shit, Shepard, you brought cops down here? Why are you hanging around with them, anyway?”

Shepard shoots Garrus a look, communicating something with just his eyes that Garrus seems to understand but Kaidan can't even begin to interpret. “Come on, Kaidan,” the turian says, placing a hand on his shoulder and trying to steer him away from the commotion. “Shepard can handle this.”

Kaidan wrenches his shoulder out of Garrus’s grasp, livid now that everyone here seems to know what’s going on but him. “Fine, as soon as someone tells me what the hell is going on!”

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Finch drawls, prompting Kaidan to shoot a glare his way. “This doesn’t involve you.”

“Like hell it doesn’t.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard tries to catch his eye, to pacify him with a look—but too fucking bad, because he isn’t having any of it, and he keeps his glare on full power. “I’ll be back in just a sec, go wait back on the street.”

“Yeah,” Finch says, smug. “Our boy here’s just got some things to wrap up while he’s here, Cerberus could use—”

Shepard snaps again, lashing out and shoving Finch away from him. “You, shut up!”

“Shepard,” Kaidan huffs, looking him in the eye, "Why aren’t you doing anything?”

“Just trust me, I’ll explain—”

A new voice joins their group, a voice that makes Kaidan’s skin crawl. “Well, look who it is—Shepard! I can honestly say I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Tali, quiet up until this point, groans dramatically, probably more to herself than anyone else. “Oh, great. Even more excitement.”

“Who are you?” Kaidan demands, voice nearly a growl. The man walks towards them, slowly but deliberately, from around the back of the buildings they’re currently standing between. From what Kaidan can tell in the dark, he has long, greasy black hair and a frankly idiotic-looking black visor across his eyes. His appearance is about as repugnant as his voice.

“Kai Leng,” the newcomer responds, “Not that it’s any of your business. You soon won’t be around to tell anyone of it.” Kaidan bristles at the threat.

“Leave him alone,” Shepard growls.  “He’s not a part of this.”

“Like hell I’m not,” Kaidan protests.

Shepard turns around to shoot him a quick look and snaps, “Kaidan, shut up,” and the acerbity in his tone stuns him enough that he actually does for a few moments, though he still feels the fury beneath.

Kai Leng smirks at him momentarily before turning back to Shepard. “The Illusive Man is already getting wary of you, Shepard. You’re lucky he holds you in such high esteem—anyone else wouldn’t get away with these constant blunders.”

“Yeah, you letting your buddies here mess with our business?” Finch pipes up, his voice getting on Kaidan’s nerves the second he opens his mouth. “Probably not what he wants to hear.”

“Then it’s a good thing you’re not gonna tell him,” Shepard says, “Since you’re not supposed to be here either. Neither of you.”

“Don’t presume you have any authority over me, Shepard,” Kai Leng snarls, his tone dark and threatening, sending uncomfortable shivers up Kaidan’s spine. “I’ll tell whoever I choose whatever I like.”

Kaidan’s head is spinning—not from the drinks anymore, but from the myriad of questions swimming around in there. Who is Kai Leng? How does he know Shepard? Who is this Illusive Man and what does he have to do with anything? Why is Shepard speaking to these two as if they’re all friends, rather than rivals? And, most pressingly, why the _hell_ hasn’t anyone pulled their badge or called for reinforcement yet?

“There’s nothing to tell. Wrong place, wrong time,” Shepard says, wary but intense nonetheless. “This doesn’t change anything.”

“Sooner or later you’re going to run out of excuses,” Kai Leng sneers.

“Then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” Shepard barks in reply. “Now, get out of my sight. I mean it.”

Kai Leng steps towards Shepard, intimidatingly. “We have business to attend to. I think _you_ should be the one leaving.”

“I don’t think you understand what I just said.”  Shepard returns the glare Kai Leng is casting his way tenfold.

“I don’t think _you_ understand just how disposable you are.”

Kaidan’s anger and confusion have finally snapped his voice back to life, and he’s ready to step in and start demanding answers, though Garrus beats him to it.

“All right, everyone take a step back and cool it,” he says as he physically steps in, forcing Shepard and Kai Leng apart, voice calm and contained, but still stern. “Shepard, let’s go. It’s not worth it.”

Kaidan can’t believe what he’s hearing. He’d expected Garrus to put a stop to this, _finally_ enforce some authority, but now he seems to be on the same page as the rest of them?

Tali, at least, seems just as confused as him.  “Garrus, what are you doing?”

“This isn’t our fight,” he tells her, before turning back to Shepard, who’s still locked in a staring contest with Kai Leng despite the distance between them now. “And it’s not yours either, Shepard, not right now. Kaidan and Tali are here. We need to go.”

Shepard finally breaks eye contact with Kai Leng, glancing first at Garrus, then back at Kaidan and Tali, before he seems to deflate, all the fight leaving him. “Right,” he mutters, looking back at Kai Leng once more to say, “We’re done here.”

“On that, we can agree,” Kai Leng says.

Before Kaidan quite realises what’s happened, Shepard grabs him by the arm and pulls him away from Finch and Kai Leng, back towards the street. Anger flares up even more at the feeling of being pushed and pulled around, and that flare translates into a burst of strength, allowing him to yank his arm out of Shepard’s grasp. “Hey!”

“What?” Shepard asks, somehow collected after all this, like nothing happened, and it makes Kaidan stumble over himself.

“I can’t…” he tries to say, attempting to keep his voice calm, quiet, the opposite of the roiling emotions inside him. He knows he'd rather keep collected than lash out because neither of them need that right now. “I don’t understand why you’re not doing anything-- you’re just gonna let Finch walk? And the other guy, he... you’re really not gonna do anything?”

There’s a long pause before Shepard answers.

“No,” Shepard says, like it pains him to say the words. Kaidan feels concern peaking through the layers of irritation and confusion currently flowing through him.  

“Why not?” He implores, blocking out everyone else around them in favour of looking directly into Shepard’s eyes, searching for an answer that he can’t discern from just his words.

“I can’t intervene,” Shepard replies, staring right back. “I’m sorry. You’re going to have to trust me on this.”

It comes as a shock to realise that, right now, he’s not sure he does.

At least Shepard seems to realise that forceful behaviour is not going to get him anywhere, as this time he doesn’t yank Kaidan’s arm—he simply turns and walks back towards the street on his own, leaving Kaidan standing on his own to make his own decisions.

He watches Shepard retreat, Garrus and Tali tentatively following, but Kaidan’s feet stay glued to the ground just a minute longer. Thinking about it, he finds that while he may not trust Shepard completely right now, he trusts Finch and Kai Leng much, much less. That’s reason enough to get out of here, he decides, glancing back at the two of them one last time.

It’s a good thing he does.

Just as he turns his head, he spies Kai Leng starts stalking toward Shepard. Kaidan isn't sure when he moved, how he got that close to Shepard without any of them noticing, even with all the years of combat training between them, soundless—his eyes are narrowed with fierce determination and malice, and he picks up speed as he catches up to Shepard, crouching to pick up Finch’s knife as he goes and gripping it tightly, ready to strike.

Kaidan’s heart slams into his throat, and his body reacts before his brain does, before he can even think to yell at warning at Shepard.  

He doesn’t have an amp in right now, hasn’t used the one sitting in his bedside table in years, but it hardly makes a difference when the fear and adrenaline coursing through his body are enough to make his biotics flare up on instinct. Kaidan throws his arm in front of him, palm forward, fingers flexed, and feels the electric current running through every nerve in his body, triggering the release of dark energy that he directs at Kai Leng with a sweep of his arm. The biotic field hits the man from the side, the force sending him flying sideways off his feet, into the wall of the building next to him and—most importantly—away from Shepard.

Everything happens so abruptly that Shepard himself doesn’t turn around until Kai Leng has hit the wall, making a startled, choked-off sound. Shepard looks first to the source of the noise, then to Kaidan, eyes wide. They don’t have much time to assemble a plan—Kaidan had thrown Kai Leng pretty hard, but it only takes him a moment to pick himself back up again and growl in frustration, this time fixing Kaidan with him menacing glare.

Kaidan notices Kai Leng crossing the small space between them, but his vision is blurry and his head is pounding and realised he doesn’t have the strength to defend himself, out of practice and out of energy from not having eaten in a while, the lack of an amp to assist him in controlling his biotics. All he can do is stumble back, move an arm to block his face, and just as quickly as the rush of adrenaline had appeared, it dissipates, Kaidan’s biotics fading out, leaving him exhausted and disoriented. Exposed to attack.

Before Kai Leng reaches him though, his omni-tool lights up and starts throwing sparks everywhere, making him drop the knife in surprise. It can’t be that harmful but at least it’s a distraction, stopping Kai Leng long enough for someone else to grab Kaidan by the arm and pull him out of harm’s way.  

“Come on,” comes Tali’s voice, frantic. “That trick with their omni-tools won’t last long!” Helpless to resist, he lets her pull him away by one arm, using his free hand to clutch at the back of his head, putting pressure around his implant in hopes he can distract himself from the pain.

Despite his eyes being closed to focus himself, he does notice the change of lighting when they step out of the alley and back onto the main street, continuing further down along the shops until they reach a slightly more crowded area. Luckily, they don't have to go far.

“Is everyone okay?” Garrus yells, and Kaidan’s head protests at the volume.

“Give me… a minute…” he manages through gritted teeth.

“Will someone _please_ explain to me what just happened?” Tali demands, still clutching Kaidan’s arm to keep him upright.

“In a minute,” Shepard says. Kaidan feels a hand on his shoulder—a human hand, Shepard’s. “Are you okay?” He asks, his voice full of concern, low and blessedly quiet near Kaidan’s ear.

“I’ll be fine,” he gets out, his mind clearing a bit, though head still pulsing in pain. He feels like he’s pulled a muscle—which he supposes he sort of has, except rather than a muscle, it’s his entire nervous system. “I have the same question as Tali, though.”

“We can all have a good talk once we’ve cleared out of here,” Garrus says.

Shepard makes a noise of assent, and Kaidan feels him lower his head to speak closer to his ear again after. “Can you walk?”

“Clearly,” Kaidan deadpans, still bent over slightly to keep his balance.

“I could carry you.”

“Shut up,” he replies, only half-teasingly, but mostly hating Shepard for being endearing when Kaidan’s trying to be angry with him.

Nevertheless, Shepard tells Tali, “I’ve got him,” before pulling Kaidan’s arm over his shoulder to help him walk along, briskly. Kaidan only lets him for as long as it takes to recover his vision and balance completely, waving off the help once he can keep up on his own again. Thankfully, when he does, Shepard lets him go, if with a fleeting look of disappointment and worry that Kaidan tries very hard to ignore.

Once they’ve put a few blocks between them and Kai Leng, they stop, Kaidan taking the opportunity to sit down on a nearby bench while the other three stand around him. His headache has barely receded, but it’s enough that he can think clearly again, clearly enough to demand, “Okay, _what_ just happened—Shepard, who were those guys?”

“They were… old friends,” Shepard answers, sounding unsure. The tone does nothing to alleviate Kaidan’s suspicion.

“Didn’t look like friendship to me,” Tali supplies.

"’Old friends’ doesn't necessarily mean ‘current,’" Shepard comments, crossing his arms over his chest.

“But why didn’t you arrest Finch the second I pulled him off that guy?” Kaidan asks.

“We can’t just arrest people for no reason,” Garrus explains.

“He came at me with a knife!”

“Well,” Garrus mumbles, sounding at a loss for words, shifting on his feet and doing a thing with his face that is probably something like embarrassment for not having a smarter comeback.

Kaidan isn’t deterred. “And the other guy, Kai Leng. Not only did he threaten you, he tried to fucking kill you when your back was turned! You could have stopped him, at any time, and you just let him go?"

He hates that he sounds so petulant, but his brain is such a mess right now, he can’t really bother to moderate the words coming out of his mouth. He’s exhausted and in pain from using his biotics, still a bit buzzed from the alcohol, confused and angry and annoyed at what just happened in the alley. He just wants to go home, crawl into bed and sleep for days, and he _still_ has work in the morning.

Alternatively, he thinks, he’d settle for turning back the clock ten minutes, back to when this outing had been fun and perfect and not a complete trainwreck. He could work around that, but this? Kaidan doesn’t even want to _think_ about going to work, not with how his head is pounding right now.

Shepard steps around the bench and takes a seat beside Kaidan, catching his eyes and holding them with his. “I couldn’t do anything because we… we have an agreement, between those guys and our precinct. That’s what I meant when I said I couldn’t intervene, when they said I wasn’t supposed to be there. If I’d arrested them, or even tried to, I would have been breaking that deal and it would’ve made the whole thing worse.”

Kaidan opens his mouth to comment about how wrong it is for the _police_ of all people to sell out to criminals, but Shepard reads his mind and beats him to it.

“I know, it’s awful and unfair, but it’s true. I promise, I don’t make a habit of letting people like that just walk away but… Kaidan, I had no choice.”

“And the part where Kai Leng tried to kill you?” Kaidan asks, hating how small he sounds, how tired and defeated.

“I didn’t actually think he’d pull something like that,” Shepard admits, frowning. “He’s technically supposed to leave us alone too, but…”

“He’s pathetic, holds a grudge, and doesn't take anyone's orders very well, the bastard," Garrus finishes.

Shepard nods at him, then turns his head back to face Kaidan again. His eyes are wide, earnest, and as much as he fights it, Kaidan can feel himself already forgiving Shepard, just with that look. He's too tired to fight now, and he knows that normally Shepard wouldn't let something like this slide, not with everything he's told him before, not with his stubborn personality.

“I’m trying to be honest with you, Kaidan. Please believe me.”

He does.

“Okay.”

Shepard smiles at him, relieved, and rubs the back of his neck with one hand. “In that case, can we just go back ten minutes to when everyone was still having a good time?”

“And not about to die,” Tali adds.

One side of Kaidan’s mouth pulls into a small grin. “Sure thing," he says, and then, because his head is still killing him and he loses most of his filter when he’s this tired, he asks, “Can I go home?”

Shepard gives him a sympathetic look. “We’re pretty close to your apartment—we’ll walk you the rest of the way.”

“The rest of us can take a taxi from there,” Garrus agrees.

Shepard stands first, then holds a hand out for Kaidan to use as a brace while he pulls himself upright again. He’d probably be more excited about the fact that he and Shepard are holding hands, if only briefly, if he weren’t so tired. Instead, he only feels the brief warmth of his hand, and imagines how great it'd be to be in a nice, warm bed, asleep.

With explanations made, the four of them continue on their way down the street. Kaidan notices Shepard—consciously or not—hovering near him, fidgeting with his hands awkwardly as if he’s not sure whether Kaidan will accept any help, if he needs any, walking near him for a period of time before stepping up beside Garrus and inevitably back again. In truth, Kaidan does feel like he might fall over any minute, but his pride won’t really let him lean on someone else when he can walk just fine for now, and his apartment is only a few blocks away. His headache is receding somewhat, too, and he figures it must be more of an acute reaction to using his biotics than one of the chronic migraines he can get without warning. This sort of headache he can handle.

Tali walks on his other side, also saying very little. She does, however, lean over at one point when Shepard is a few paces ahead to whisper, “That was really something, how you used your biotics back there.”

“Oh, uh, thanks,” he responds shyly. “Nice trick with their omni-tools. It helped a lot.”

"Just an overload command, nothing special," she shrugs. "Guess both of our natural talents came in handy.”

Kaidan smiles, nudging her gently—or perhaps just tiredly—with his arm. “Maybe we’d be pretty good cops ourselves.”

“Please, we'd be _better_ —we left those two in the dust,” she jokes, and Kaidan, not for the first time that night, is infinitely glad she’s here.

The rest of the walk feels like forever but can’t be more than ten minutes before they reach Kaidan’s apartment, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been so happy to see the building before.

Shepard slows down as they get closer, falling back to walk beside Kaidan again. “Here, I’ll walk Kaidan to the door. Garrus, you call the rest of us a sky cab.”

“It’s okay, I can make it from here,” Kaidan says.

“Well, humour me,” Shepard insists, though his slight shrug belies his tone. Kaidan looks at him for a moment, tries to figure out the motivation behind Shepard’s words, but inevitably gives up.

“All right.” He turns to the other two. “Garrus, it was nice to meet you.”

“You can join us for drinks anytime,” the turian replies.

“And you and I definitely need to catch up some more,” Tali offers. “So I’ll see you around?”

“Sounds likes a plan.” He shakes hands with each of them before turning to Shepard. “Shall we?”

Shepard nods, and places a hand on the small of Kaidan’s back to lead him away from their friends and up the last few steps to the door, and Kaidan feels warmth expand through his body from the contact, a soothing counterpoint to the sharp pain lingering at the base of his skull.

Just outside the door, they stop again and Shepard drops his hand.

“I definitely could have walked that distance on my own,” Kaidan tells him, mostly joking, though still appreciative of his effort.

“I... wanted the chance to apologise,” Shepard explains, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Tonight didn’t… exactly go as I’d planned.”

“What were your plans, exactly?” Kaidan asks, kind of enjoying how cutely shy Shepard looks.

“Less criminals, for one thing," Shepard huffs a laugh, but it mostly falls flat.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Shepard echoes. “I am sorry. For all of that.”

Kaidan exhales deeply, letting some of the tension and stress leave his body along with the air. “It’s okay. Not like it was your fault.”

Shepard hums in agreement, but he won’t quite meet Kaidan’s eyes.

Kaidan frowns to himself. “Anything else on your mind, or…?”

He’s not sure what the end of that sentence was going to be, but he doesn’t get a chance to finish it anyway, as between one second and the next, Shepard has reached forward and pulled him into a hug. One arm goes around his shoulders, the other around his back, both tugging him in towards the warmth of his broad chest, pulling him tight.

Kaidan blinks, frozen for a moment, before tentatively folding his arms around Shepard in return. Despite how tired he is, he refuses to admit how good it feels.

“I also wanted to say thank you for saving my life,” Shepard says. His voice is so quiet, so near Kaidan’s ear, it sends a shiver down his spine that he tries very hard to suppress so Shepard doesn't notice.

“Um, don’t mention it.” He tries to shrug it off, though he finds it’s a lot more difficult of a motion when you’ve got someone hugging you. Particularly when that someone is warm and smells nice and makes him feel safe, and who Kaidan undeniably has feelings for—feelings which are venturing into more intense, dangerous territory every day, and now isn't helping. “I, ah... didn’t think you were looking.”

“I saw enough,” Shepard answers. He pulls back from the embrace, forcing Kaidan to let go of him as well, albeit reluctantly, and Shepard's hands stay on Kaidan's arms for a moment before dropping completely. Sleepily, Kaidan thinks he’d have happily remained there in Shepard’s arms all night given the chance, fallen asleep to the sensation of his chest rising and falling with each breath against him, and he's so tired right now he can’t even make himself feel embarrassed anymore for having those thoughts, using the last of his strength to keep his calm demeanor instead. He can always reprimand himself later.

“I haven’t had to do something like that in years,” he admits, “But I saw him pick up the knife and just… reacted. I didn’t really know if it would help at all.”

“Well, since I’m standing here talking to you, clearly it did,” Shepard says with a soft smile. “I’m sorry you got hurt in the crossfire though.”

“What? Oh, my head. Actually, Tali kept Kai Leng from getting near me—the headache is probably from my implant overheating,” he explains. “Haven’t used it in a while—probably shorted out a bit, especially since I don't have an amp in, though I get migraines a lot, actually, not just when I use my biotics. L2s come with a myriad of possible side effects, but I'll take the occasional migraine over permanent brain damage or cancers.” Yet another sign he’s tired—he can’t stop talking, having to force himself once he realises.

“I guess I would too,” Shepard says.

“Yeah," he shrugs a little, more of a roll of his shoulders than anything. "I’ll just sleep it off, it’ll be fine.”

“Good to hear.” Shepard is leaning between one foot and the other again, looking over his shoulder to where their friends should be waiting. “I guess I should leave you to that, then. Good night?”

“Good night,” Kaidan responds.

Neither of them move, though, and after a heartbeat Kaidan decides to take the opportunity for his own.

“You know," he admits, "Aside from the last half hour, I did have a good time tonight."

“Me too. Maybe we could… do this again some time?” Shepard asks, finally. “Drinks without the life-threatening circumstances?”

“Don’t set your expectations too high,” Kaidan warns teasingly, but in reality his heart has picked up at the prospect that he may not have been wrong about this being a date. And the prospect that they might get to do it again.

 _Then again_ , another part of him thinks, _friends go out for drinks all the time. It's not a date,_ so he tries to squash the feelings bubbling up inside him as Shepard tips his head a little in a gesture.

“I figure as long as there are no explosions, I’ve done pretty well for myself, comparatively."

"Comparatively?" Kaidan laughs. “I… don’t even want to know.”

Shepard chuckles as well, just barely, then looks back down the walkway to where Garrus and Tali have now reappeared from hailing a skycar. “I should go,” he says sheepishly.

“Yeah, me too. Good night?” He offers again.

“Good night.”

Kaidan actually gets all the way to standing in the doorway this time before he hears Shepard call out, “Oh, wait!” When he turns around again, he sees Shepard jogging back up to him, his omni-tool activated, hitting a few keys with his fingers with a look of mixed excitement and concentration on his face. “Open your omni-tool,” he says.

Kaidan does so, sluggishly. “Why?”

“I have something for you." He punches in another few commands, until a light on Kaidan’s omni-tool flashes in response.

“Okay, what is it?"

“A playlist. I figure you might want some music to listen to on the train in the mornings, too, so I put some songs together for you.”

Kaidan’s heart is probably gonna beat out of his chest, he’s so touched. “I… thank you.”

“The last song in particular, I think you’ll like it,” Shepard goes on, undeterred.

“What song is it? None of these are labeled,” he remarks, flicking through the audio files on his omni-tool.

“You’ll have to listen to find out,” he says, cryptically, grinning wide, before turning on his heel and strolling back towards the skycar that has now pulled up at the end of the walkway. Just before he finally disappears, he calls back over his shoulder one last time, "Remember to pay attention to the last song!"

Kaidan shakes his head, smiling but too tired to process any of this right away, so he quietly closes the door behind him. Ashley is nowhere to be seen when he walks in, probably already fast asleep-- which he should be too, considering he has to be up in… five hours, according to the clock in the kitchen. He grimaces, and heads straight for bed once he swallows a couple medi-gel pills in the bathroom.

It’s hard to really be angry at the hour though, he finds, when all his brain seems to want to think about is how he most likely just went on a date with Shepard, and how Shepard had hugged him, and how Shepard made him a playlist just because he was thinking of things Kaidan would like. He goes to bed tired, but feeling happier and warmer than he has in a long time.

Waking up to go to work the following morning is a predictably awful experience, and when his first alarm goes off he rolls over and sleepily delays the next one by forty-five minutes, opting to skip going for a run. Despite the exhaustion, he can’t keep the smile off his face as he begins his normal routine to leave for school, because while his head might be a little foggy, his chest is still radiating with the warmth that Shepard left him with at the end of the night. As he walks out the door, he grabs his own set of headphones, powers up his omni-tool, and selects the first song on his new playlist, grinning the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously, kudos if you made it to the end of this chapter. it really got away from me. blame Kai Leng. he's usually to blame when things are awful.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan listens to his new playlist and Shepard doesn't check his texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also on [tumblr](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/122383747782). now with bonus playlist, which can be found [on 8tracks here](https://8tracks.com/captainshakespear/long-train-runnin) or [for download here](https://www.sendspace.com/file/eytcgo)! tracks are also listed here:
> 
>   1. "Foreplay/Long Time" by Boston
>   2. "Paradox" by Kansas
>   3. "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins
>   4. "Young Men Dead" by the Black Angels
>   5. "Renegade" by Styx
>   6. "Ulysses" by Franz Ferdinand
>   7. "Rearview" by the Black Suns
>   8. "A Certain Romance (Demo)" by the Arctic Monkeys
>   9. "Same Old Song and Dance" by Aerosmith
>   10. "Working For the Weekend" by Loverboy
>   11. "Long Train Runnin'" by the Doobie Brothers
>   12. ... read to find out!
> 


As he hits play on the first song, the name of the track finally appears on his omni-tool: "Foreplay/Long Time" by Boston. Kaidan wonders at first if it's meant to be suggestive, but shrugs it off as he heads out of his apartment complex—it's only the first song, after all, and Shepard emphasized the final track out of all of them. Doesn't seem much Shepard's style, anyway.

Despite any potential flirtation in title, the song is very good—the slow build-up is just what Kaidan needed to get used to the sounds of the world with the lingering headache he has. As the music kicks up more and more, Kaidan finds himself wondering how Shepard must have come across a song as old as this one, and somehow that leads to Kaidan imagining Shepard as a teen, jumping on his bed listening to this song. It had to be more than a hundred years old, nearing two, but that wouldn't stop Shepard from playing the air guitar on his leg—at least, in Kaidan's mind, and he's fairly sure he knows Shepard well enough to know the probable accuracy of his thoughts.

The songs go on in the same sort of manner as Kaidan boards the train, and the whole way to his station he finds himself tapping his foot or his hand, nodding along to the beat pouring through his headphones. For the most part, the songs are upbeat, kind of dancey, with just the right amount of gruffness and guitar. For many of them, he finds himself looking them up on the extranet, just to see how old they truly are, and every time he does, he comes away laughing when he gets an answer; he has no idea how Shepard found these—however he did, Kaidan likes them, and not just because he knows Shepard somehow associates these songs with him, choose them specifically because he thought Kaidan would like them.

Eventually, though, the train pulls into his station and Kaidan makes it into the school. He's just over halfway through the playlist when he finally takes his headphones out, the last few notes of the Bad Sun's Rearview being the last thing he hears as he walks into his classroom. Thing is, Kaidan finds as he settles in to begin teaching for the day, he's almost antsy to put his headphones in, to find out what the last song is, why Shepard stressed it so much. When it's time for lunch, he's just about to pick his headphones back up when his omni-tool flashes at him—an invitation to lunch with Jack and Liara, which he quickly accepts, if a little half-heartedly with a glance at the earbuds, left in the pocket of his backpack.

He finds the two sitting in Liara's classroom—rather, Liara organising her things a little frantically as Jack sits on her desk, leering. All Kaidan can think is _that can't be good_ before Jack turns that smirk toward him.

"Twinkletoes has a crush," Jack explains with a tip of her head toward the asari, who looks at the floor instead of at Kaidan when he looks toward her.

"Do you, Liara?" He asks, though he tries to be more gentle about it than Jack, partially because he's curious about who could be good enough to win Liara's affections, and partially because he knows what it could mean to get on her bad side.

"I suppose, yes," she says, finally looking at him, and Kaidan smiles at her warmly with a tip of his eyebrows upward, encouraging, before Jack lets out a loud laugh. "But it's—"

"Some human chick," Jack supplies, and Kaidan tries not to laugh when Liara rolls her eyes a little. "And get a load a' this—a redhead."

"Got something against redheads?" He asks Jack teasingly, trying to take some of the heat off Liara. Jack only snorts in response, and Kaidan can't tell if he's won.

"It's okay, Kaidan," Liara says softly, stepping up to him. "I do... enjoy the company of a woman I see often at the park. Jane—she and I have had lunch a number of times as friends."

"'As friends,'" Jack enunciates, and Liara looks at her rather pointedly—not that it does her much good. They both know there's only one way to get out of this, and even then it may only be a temporary relief: changing the subject from Liara’s love life to _Kaidan’s_.

"So," Liara begins, and Kaidan knows from that alone that she's changed tactics, "How was everything last night?"

"Yeah, did you finally get laid?" Jack chimes in, and at least this conversation is working out in Liara's favour, if not so much Kaidan's.

"Good, mostly," Kaidan says, deigning to ignore Jack's addition, as well as most of last night's events between leaving Apollo's and returning to his apartment. "Shepard introduced me to Garrus and Garrus' girlfriend, who, as it turns out, is none other than my best friend from college."

"Tali?" Liara asks, sort of surprised, and Kaidan nods.

"Good memory."

"Small fuckin' world," Jack comments with a half-snort. "So what happened? Did you get laid or not?"

"We all got drinks at Apollo's and talked," Kaidan answers, absently rubbing his amp at the memory as he talks. "When we all walked back to our apartments, Shepard, he... he, ah, gave me a playlist."

"A playlist?" Jack laughs. "No fuckin' way—I mean, what is this, the early 2000's? "

"I think that it’s sweet," Liara supplies, turning more towards Kaidan. "Have you listened to it?"

"I started—probably finish before I get back home," he says, and then forces himself to stop touching his implant, hoping neither of the two women have caught him in the act. He can still feel the faint hum of it as he pulls his fingers away, a lingering sensation from usage he had grown accustomed to not feeling the past few years. "Either way, you two ready for lunch?"

"Starving." With that, Jack hops off the desk, clapping Kaidan on the shoulder as she walks out the door to lead the way. "Next time, just fuck 'im. It's easier."

To that, Kaidan can only take a deep breath and hope neither of them bring it back up again as they all go to lunch. He likes Shepard— _God,_ does he like Shepard—and while he hopes that Shepard likes him too, thinks after last night that he probably does, he still doesn't want to ruin anything between them. Shepard's a great guy, and a good friend that he wants to keep around as long as he can. If Ashley, Liara, and Jack are wrong—hell, if Kaidan himself is wrong about this—then there's a chance Shepard might not come back to being friends. Sure, rampant homophobia is left largely in the past, a thing only now referred to in history books as being an issue, but that doesn't mean friendships still can't come to a stuttering halt, as with any time feelings aren't mutual.

Still, he can't put out the warmth in his chest as he picks up his bag at the end of the day, wondering the whole way to the train station if he'll see Shepard there, headphones clutched in one hand.

Regrettably, Shepard is nowhere to be seen, the train taking off without him. In a way, Kaidan is sort of glad—this gives him a chance to finish the playlist with no interruptions. As he gets closer and closer to the last track, he wonders distantly if Shepard really had something to do today or if he was just too embarrassed to show, although that doesn't seem quite his style either. With the last few notes of the Doobie Brothers' "Long Train Runnin'" leaving the headphones, he thinks about sending Shepard a quick text about how much he likes the playlist, but then he stops the motion as his omni-tool lights up with the name of the final track, hidden from him all this time, and it's—

"Come and Get Your Love."

Kaidan feels his cheeks beginning to burn, his heart beating out of time.

" _Hell, what's the matter with your head? Yeah—_ "

Kaidan glances around the train, hoping that he doesn't look completely obvious, that no one can hear his pounding heart over the noise of the train, over the guy singing loudly at the end of the car.

" _Hell with it, baby, 'cause you're fine and you're mine and you look so divine—_ "

The song breaks into the chorus and Kaidan stares intently at the ground, though he's not really seeing it, his lips turning up into a smile, eyebrows furrowed slightly as he thinks that _this_ is the song Shepard wanted him to pay attention to.

" _I said find it, find it, darling, love it if you like it, yeah—_ "

Oh yeah, last night was definitely a date.

" _Hell, it's your business if you want some, take some, get it together, baby—_ "

Better yet, Shepard definitely likes him. He likes Shepard, and Shepard... Shepard likes _him_.

" _Come and get your love!_ "

Kaidan puts a hand over his mouth, smirking, then lets it drop, flicking a thumb and setting the song on repeat, and you know what? It's a good day. It's a _damn_ good day.

When he arrives back to his apartment, Ashley is already inside, waving at him vaguely as he steps in through the door and drops his bag.

"Ashley," he laughs, sitting down next to her on the couch as she eyes him a little warily over her mug of soup.

"Kaidan," she answers, though it comes out half a statement and half a question as she adjusts to set herself back against the arm of the couch, knees tucked up to her chin, so she can face him.

"I think—" he cuts himself off, grinning, wiping a hand down his face to try and suppress himself a little. He knows he can be honest with Ashley, always has been and always will be, but he feels overzealous, a little out of his normally collected self. He looks over to her, smiling softly now. "I think Shepard likes me."

"No shit, Sherlock," she says, but she's smiling behind her mug, and he knows just from the barely raised eyebrow that she wants details.

"Last night, we went out with some friends," he begins, then falters, half-laughing at himself.

"I know, I was there when he invited you on that date," she comments, a little sarcastically, but he knows she doesn't mean it, that she's actually interested, from the way her toes wiggle their way forward, tucking themselves under his thigh.

"I thought you were just teasing me about it being a date because I like him," he says, "But I think you were right."

"First time you've ever admitted that I was right," she says, lifting an eyebrow slightly again, and they're both smiling and laughing slightly at that, because they both know she means it as an _I'm happy for you_ , though she might not say it just yet.

"He gave me a playlist after last night—yeah, early 2000's, I know, Jack already said that—and he... hah, told me to pay attention to the last song, right?" He begins again, finding himself rubbing her ankle absentmindedly, something usually reserved for when they're both extremely tired, curled up on the couch with her feet in his lap as they watch whatever movie catches their fancy.

"What was it?"

"'Come and Get Your Love' by Redbone."

"You’re kidding, right?"

"Not really."

"I told you he liked you."

"Yeah."

"I'm happy for you," she says after a moment of pause, "Because if you didn't ask him out on an official, verbally-agreed-upon date soon, I was gonna throw you out the airlock."

"We're not even on a ship," he points out, but it's a half-hearted tease.

"Whatever," she shrugs, but it's half-hearted too, and Kaidan rests his head against the back of the couch, smiling to himself.

Shepard really likes him. All this time—all their talks on the train, bumping knees as they listened to Shepard's music, grading his papers—and Shepard has liked him all this time.

 _Shepard just loves grading your papers_ , Garrus had said, and Kaidan gets it now.

"Let's watch Star Trek," Ashley suggests, so he gets up to get the TV set up, and he's never been happier.

That night, as he settles down in his bed, Kaidan fiddles with the idea of sending Shepard a message. He types a few out on his omni-tool, right before quickly deleting them and turning over, readjusting before thinking that he really should send Shepard a text and pulling up his omni-tool again.

_Hey, I listened to your playlist and I liked—_

Backspace.

_Hey. I liked your playlist—_

Backspace.

_So, do you wanna go out sometime this weekend? On a real date this time—_

Backspace, backspace, backspace.

He sighs, rolling onto his back, rubbing his chest absently. He feels kind of stupid, typing and erasing messages, but he doesn't know quite what to say, how to word how he's feeling—elated, nervous, fucking amazed that Shepard would ever even consider a guy like him, but how do you say that to the guy you've only gone on one date with, a date you only realised was definitely a date after it happened?

He rolls onto his side, bringing his omni-tool up again and typing quickly, _I listened to your playlist._ Simple, succinct. He hits send before he has a chance to pause, and immediately rolls over to his other side, as if that will help quell any potential regret, which happens almost as soon as he settles into the sheets. He instantly thinks that he should have explained a little more, or at least said hey first, or asked how his night was.

He doesn't have the chance to ruminate on it long, his omni-tool flashing. A message from Shepard.

_Did you like it?_

He smiles, his heart and mind settling from their rampage, and he just as quickly answers: _I liked it. The last song is my favourite._

He doesn't get an answer from Shepard after that, but it's late and he doesn't need one to finally drift off into a comfortable sleep.

The next day finds Kaidan sleeping in, more comfortable than he's felt in quite a while. He stays in bed for a time, not something he usually allows himself, but it's the weekend now and all he can think of is the playlist, the beat to "Come and Get Your Love" already beginning in his head. Even in bed by himself, he can't stop the small smile. He quickly checks his messages, looking to see if Shepard replied last night. As it turns out, there was no answer, but Kaidan knows well enough that he read it. Shepard has somewhat of a habit of reading texts and failing to reply—he's seen the man do it hundreds of times on the train, much to Garrus's dismay, he's sure.

Needless to say, the weekend is nice, if a little lonelier than normal without Shepard to talk to, but on Monday, Kaidan goes to work with high hopes that he'll finally see him, to be able to talk to him and finally ask him out, to maybe be in a relationship more than what they have already, what they _are_ already.

But then his plans are dashed as the train pulls away from their station, the detective nowhere in sight. He's disappointed, but it’s not an unusual occurrence for Shepard to take a different train for a day or two, so he sits back in his seat, deciding he can wait until tomorrow, because this is only the beginning of the week, after all.

Then tomorrow comes, and Shepard still isn't there. Kaidan sits in their usual seats by himself, watching strangers and familiar faces alike pass, and thinks again, _tomorrow, tomorrow for sure._

But tomorrow is the same story: no Shepard in sight. It's now been six days since Apollo's, and he can't help but think about Kai Leng, how he almost killed Shepard, and seemed likely to try again. Kaidan swallows thickly.

Across the way, an elderly human woman catches his attention. He smiles at her weakly.

"Where's your boyfriend?" She asks. "I haven't seen him in a while."

"I don't... I don't know," he answers in a half-sigh, then feels presumptuous for calling Shepard his boyfriend without them having even talked about it. He doesn't want to make that call without him.

"I hope he's okay," she says, sounding concerned, which Kaidan supposes he appreciates.

"Me too," he agrees, and though he's glad Shepard has other people looking out for him, even if they're strangers, he's also glad when the woman gets off at the next stop. He doesn't want to have this conversation right now, because all he can do is listen to Shepard's playlist and hope, worry prickling up his spine, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up as he thinks about the possibility of Kai Leng having made a move. Kaidan is used to losing soldiers, but Shepard's not a soldier.

Soon enough, it's Monday again, nearly a week and a half passing without contact from Shepard, and Kaidan’s feelings turn from hopeful to progressively more and more worried. In a way, he wonders if he did something wrong, if he misinterpreted something—but given their last meeting, Shepard giving him that playlist and telling him how important it was that he listen, Kaidan can only brush it off as the detective being busy with… well, detective work. Still, he can’t quell the worry, the gut-feeling of _something’s not right here_.

With that feeling pooling deep in his stomach, he sends Shepard a text—short, simple, just a _hey_ , _I haven’t heard from you in a while_ , an _are you okay_ and a _call me back_.

Eight hours later, in the dead of night as he settles down to go to sleep, he receives an answer.

        _I’m fine. Hope you’re fine. We’ll talk soon._

                                                    -J.S.

Instead of feeling reassured as he knows he probably should, he feels unsettled.

He doesn’t sleep well the next few nights.

Luckily, he’s not as out of of practice with his Alliance training as he thinks he is, and getting up in the morning isn’t quite so difficult once he stretches out the tiredness from his muscles. He tries to distract himself with teaching and grading and going for runs with Ashley, trying to turn away from the distant, niggling fear that something has gone wrong that he can’t place. Still, everything remains uneventful, and soon enough the feeling passes as he convinces himself over a period of another half a week that Shepard is merely busy with work.

Kaidan himself should be busy with work, but instead he finds himself asking Liara for advice when she stops by to coax him into getting lunch together.

"You mentioned he is a detective," she answers when he asks, moving to sit on his desk, fingers over the edge, watching him as he moves around, organising his papers and putting everything in order. "Perhaps he is merely busy with a case. I would imagine detectives having very strange hours, and from what you have told me before, Shepard is a hard-working man."

"You have no idea," Kaidan laughs, remembering all the times he's seen Shepard fall asleep on the subway, mostly before they actually met.

"He will come around," she says, then adds, smiling in her way that feels almost like a shy grin, "Plus, I think he likes you." Kaidan laughs again as he gets up, grabbing his jacket.

"You haven't even met him. You know, you're starting to sound like Ash, Liara. I never thought I'd see the day." To this, Liara doesn't seem to take offense—not that any was really directed at her in the first place, merely a note to himself on how his two best friends are so different from one another.

"I do agree with her in this case," Liara begins, sliding off the edge of the desk as Kaidan pulls his jacket on. "Now, let's go to lunch."

"I'm paying this time, by the way," Kaidan notes as they turn out of the door together, causing her to move and wrap her arm around his gently.

"I wouldn't dream of stopping you."

Four days later, a Tuesday in what feels like might be a very long week, as he jogs toward to the stairs of the subway terminal, the beginnings of a migraine pulsing at his temples, and sees a line of armed police officers blockading the entrance, he feels selfish as he wonders if he’ll finally see Shepard. The occasional _I'm okay_ text every few days isn't as reassuring as one might think.

Still, he pushes the headache and his feelings to the back-burner, trying to make his way through the crowd of civilians being held back to get an officer’s attention.

“Hey,” he calls to one of them, an asari with a stern expression,. “What’s going on?”

“We’ve had to put a hold on the trains for a quick check-up,” she answers, clearly trying to placate and reassure him along with the rest of the crowd, most of whom are beginning to turn around and leave to wait it out elsewhere. “But don’t worry—we’ll have the train up and running in no time once we finish checking the tunnels. It shouldn’t take more than an hour, but if you’d like to find other transportation, we understand and apologise for the inconvenience.”

When he thinks about how late he’ll get home, his head throbs painfully, and he tries his best to push it aside.

“Look,” he tells her, “I’m an Alliance officer—I can help if you’ll have me.”

The asari shakes her head. “It’s fine—these are only routine checks to make sure there’s no damage in the tunnels, we’ll be done in no time.”

“If it’s just routine checks, why all the armed cops?” A batarian beside him asks.

“Just a precaution,” she says, smiling sweetly at them. Somehow, it’s both reassuring and intimidating. “We’d rather everyone be safe while we take a look.” Grumbling, the batarian, along with most of the rest of the crowd, turns away.

“I’m a biotic,” Kaidan begins again, hoping he can help speed this all up so that he can get home quickly and crash. For now, though, this takes precedence over a headache—easier to stave it off when you’ve got something to keep you busy. He hates standing around uselessly, anyway. “I’m sure your people could use the assistance if there’s any debris in the tunnels.” He watches the asari consider his proposal, clicking her jaw as she studies him.

“You said you were an Alliance officer—do you have your ID?” In response, he pulls out his dogtags from around his neck, then his ID from his wallet. Once she’s thoroughly studied both, she nods at him, moving back to allow him passage through the wall of officers. “Alright, Lieutenant Alenko. Go speak to Bailey up ahead—he’s down in front of the terminal, blondish hair, only one not wearing a hat or helmet right now, last I saw."

With that, he passes through the line, preparing himself for what might be ahead as he walks down the stairs and across the terminal, eying the man the asari mentioned almost immediately. Once he’s close enough, the man the asari indicated—Bailey—levels him with a flat, questioning stare. “Who’re you?”

“Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko,” he offers, as well as his hand to shake, “Alliance personnel. I saw the police line and offered my assistance as a biotic and a field medic.”

Bailey makes a small humming noise, assessing him as he shakes his hand briefly. “Bailey. Any assistance we can get is good with me, especially by Alliance.”

“Just acting on my own,” Kaidan notes. “An officer on the line told me it’s routine tunnel-checks.”

To that, Bailey chuckles. “Tunnel-checks, sure, but not exactly routine. We got a tip about an abandoned warehouse a couple blocks over—usually used as a smuggling and dealing area, red sand and such—connects to these tunnels. Tip said some gang members might be using it right now, try and make an escape through here, so we’ve got every terminal and warehouse exit surrounded while we try to smoke ‘em out.”

“Smart move. Any idea how many members there might be?”

Bailey shakes his head slightly. “Couldn’t tell you. We’re sending armed squads down every side tunnel—they all end up at the same area under the warehouse and we’ve got a line of officers here, so unless they’re larger than a small army, we’ll have ‘em under wraps.”

“Excellent. Any chance you can put me in with a squad? I’ve got offensive and defensive biotic training, as well as pistol training, though I might be a bit rusty with my gun.”

“Haven’t been on the frontlines in while, Lieutenant?”

Kaidan shrugs, only half-lying as he says, “Been training biotics recently. Not as much room for weapons practice.”

“I hear you,” Bailey nods. “I’ll put you in the squad going down the main tunnel to the warehouse. It’s the fastest way in and out of there, so the gang should go down that route since they don’t know we’re coming. We’re expecting some resistance, but try and hold back on the lethal force—no gun for you, though, since you might be rusty,” he finishes with a small smile.

“Good by me,” he chuckles, then pauses. “Say, do you know detective Shepard?”

“Shepard? Yeah, I know ‘im,” Bailey says. “Good man. Friend of his?”

“Yeah. Just haven’t seen him in a while and wanted to make sure he was okay.”

“Oh, you know Shepard—always fighting the good fight. He’s doing good work out there, believe you me, gets the hard jobs done. I’m sure he’s alright.”

“Alright,” Kaidan half-sighs. “Thank you. I just wanted to make sure.”

With that squared away, Bailey tilts his head toward where officers are beginning to form up into small groups, listening in on their commanding officers. Bailey briefly introduces him to the squad, a group of fifteen or so officers of various races, all of whom nod in acknowledgement when Bailey introduces him and says he’ll be providing cover and small offensive maneuvers.

Once they’ve given Kaidan an extra set of kevlar and all of the officers have suited up, their squad hops onto the tracks and begins down the tunnel, Kaidan in the middle of the group, flashlights on weapons leading the way. As they enter the dark tunnel, he steadies his breathing, trying simultaneously to dull the impending headache and ready himself for potential combat, something he hasn’t done in years since being injured on the frontline.

Soon, the squad closes in around the entrance to the side tunnel, one member squatting to the ground and giving the all-clear before they all file off three at a time into the small, dark space. As they proceed onward, everything becomes darker than Kaidan thought a city could ever be, the team having switched to night-vision goggles instead to avoid tipping off anyone who might come from the opposite direction as they walk further and further from the dim lights of the subway tracks.

It’s a long time before Kaidan hears anything but his own breathing and the quiet sound of police boots on the dirt floor, as they hear the quiet whisper of voices up ahead, further up the tunnel. All at once, the police officers stop and squat low, readying their weapons as quietly as they can. Kaidan leans back on his heels and hunkers down into position, keeping his biotics at bay as long as he possibly can to allow the dark to work to their advantage.

“Told you they wouldn’t show,” comes a voice from the dark up ahead, muffled by what must be a helmet.

“Fuck you, my info was good,” comes another, undistorted by any helmet.

“Shut up, both of you.” A third voice. Two rows of police officers in front of him, a salarian holds up his hand, motioning that there’s a group of at least eight people visible up ahead, all armed. The same officer gestures to Kaidan, telling him to ready himself. As the sounds of shuffling boots grow louder and closer, Kaidan takes a deep breath, the officers around him disabling their goggles to get ready for a firefight.

“Stop where you are!” The salarian in front calls out. “This is the police. Surrender now or we will be forced to shoot.”

Up ahead, there’s cursing, which immediately dissolves into gunfire.

Finally, Kaidan lets his biotics flare to life, throwing up a quick barrier to shield the officers before letting a surge forward, hoping to knock the forward gang members off their feet—he's not as rusty as he was a couple weeks ago, but he feels the rush of it, the exhilaration of using his biotics, the stinging lull of having to recharge before he can make another attack, and in that lull, he notices something.

Up ahead, the tunnel now lit by gunfire, flashlights, and the flare of his biotics, Kaidan can see the faces of the gang members—five helmeted, two not, and one all too familiar, making Kaidan fumble, drop his biotics as he stares ahead into a face only illuminated by flashes.

Shepard.

Oh, God, it’s Shepard.

And Shepard’s noticed him too, both of them brought to a standstill in the midst of the fight, gunfire ringing all around them in the small tunnel, deafening.

After only a heartbeat, rage begins to pool into Kaidan’s gut, making him burn from the inside out, his blood boil, and he sends out a biotic flare so strong it knocks down even a few of the officers too close to the criminals. As for the rest of the gang members, Kaidan rears back, preparing another blast to yank them all off their feet. He doesn't even need to give himself time to recharge, doesn't think to. He just wants this done now.

With so little room to move, the confrontation ends quickly, the dust settling in the tunnel, Kaidan’s ears ringing and body humming with the residual biotic current still flowing through him. Uninjured officers move forward to handcuff each and every gang member. Kaidan picks up one injured officer—shot twice in the shoulder—and leads him out of the tunnel without a word.

By the time Kaidan has made it back to the terminal with the wounded officer in tow, the rest of the squad have caught up, all eight gang members in tow. Kaidan forces himself not to look when he sees them all in the corner of his eye, instead turning away to move briskly towards Bailey.

“Good work, Lieutenant,” he says, clapping him on the shoulder. “We’ll have to take your statement, by the way, but it’ll only take a moment.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan replies, then sighs. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d rather give my statement later. I can leave you my number, I just… I’m not in the mood right now. Biotics takes a number on you, and combat..."

“Understandable. You did mention having been off the front lines in a while. Comes back to you like riding a bike, leaves you like a bad hangover. Either way, thank you for the help, I’m sure my men appreciate it—I know I do.”

“No problem. There’s something I need to take care of first, though,” he says, and he’s sure Bailey knows what he means because he only nods in response when his eyes finally move on to the row of eight people behind them.

Shepard.

Finally, Kaidan turns around, looking for the man, the first and last person he wants to see right now. He spots him, waiting on his knees with his head bowed, hands cuffed behind his back, as the asari officer from before stands over him, presumably asking questions. Kaidan steps over to her, Shepard’s eyes only lifting off the ground when he sees him walking over, those blue eyes alight with hope and fear and so many other emotions that Kaidan has to look away, making sure not to give him the benefit of looking back at him by focusing on the asari officer.

“Excuse me,” he says as he steps up to her. “Do you mind if I have a moment with him?”

For a long moment, she just looks at him, slightly perplexed, but eventually she leaves them when she glances towards Bailey, who nods at her, and she moves on to the next gang member a few feet away, having kept them apart so they couldn’t corroborate.

When Kaidan finally looks down to Shepard, he feels sick. His blood is still on fire within him, heart pounding it through his veins with such heat that Kaidan thinks it could very well kill him—perhaps kill Shepard, too. He tries hard not to let it show, looking away from the man, to the wall behind his back. He can’t stand to look at him now, knowing what’s happened, how he’s been fooled, those eyes looking up at him, at once pleading and devoid.

“Kaidan, I—”

“You know,” Kaidan interrupts, huffing a laugh with a small shake of his head. “I’m really not sure what I expected. The signs were all there—your weird reports and all the late nights and that thing last week after Apollo’s with…” He trails off, sighing, unsure what to say or do. He feels the urge to lash out roil up inside him, but he tamps it down, forcing himself to stay calm because he needs to be, and because he knows he needs time to think about everything more. Hell, he doesn’t even think he should be doing this, but here he is, in the face of the situation, in Shepard’s face, standing above him. He lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. “I just… I just want some answers.”

Below him, Shepard is silent, eyes trailing from Kaidan’s back to the floor, and Kaidan scoffs when he finally manages to look back over to the man.

“Nothing, huh?”

Shepard looks back up to him at last, the sad, desperate blue of his eyes, his crumbled expression.

“Kaidan,” he starts, so gently and so quiet that Kaidan would lean down to hear him better if he weren’t so fucking angry right now. “Just… please, let me explain—”

“Is there anything to explain?” He asks, then sighs, shifting on his feet, wiping a hand down his face as he realises he contradicted himself. He asked for answers, he wants to know _why,_ but he doesn’t want to be around Shepard, not any more.

“Kaidan, I can explain this,” Shepard says, and there’s a note to his voice that sounds like he’s just as frustrated about this as Kaidan, like he has a right to be. “We just need to…” He cuts himself off, casting a glance to the side before looking back up to Kaidan, dropping his voice lower, softer. “I’ll explain later. Not here."

“Yeah, yeah,” Kaidan huffs, nodding. The corners of his eyes are burning with tears that he angry blinks back. “I get it. A story for another time, right? The elusive detective Shepard, always running and dodging questions—”

“That’s not—”

“From the _very_ beginning, you’ve always avoided nearly everything I asked you, _every_ question about your work, every—”

Shepard tries to interject, both of them raising their voices to cut each other off, have themselves heard, but eventually the asari officer cuts in between them.

“Is there a problem?” She asks, one eyebrow raised.

For a long moment after, everything is quiet. Kaidan looks back to the man on his knees in front of him.

“No,” he finally says, forcing himself to breathe deeply to keep his voice steady. “No problem.” He begins to turn around, seeing Shepard open his mouth as he does so. “I’ll leave you to your work,” he finishes, addressing the asari as he passes her by.

“Kaidan, wait, just—”

He doesn’t turn back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets arrested and Shepard annoys the hell out of everyone in the precinct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! The captain was initially going to post this chapter, but some things came up and here I am! Either way, you have no idea how much all of your feedback means to us - we seriously love you guys! Every little comment and kudo and ask sent to us is just such a boost to both our days. Seriously, all we talk about sometimes is how amazing (and surreal) it is that you guys love reading this story as much as we love writing it.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Kaidan finally, _finally_ makes it back to his apartment, he feels more tired than he has in years, not since his Alliance training ran him ragged in a desert planet simulation for days with only protein packs and a single canteen of water. He'd had a lingering headache for a week after that run, and now feels like it's not going to be any different. He thinks about foregoing food so he can just crash, but he knows he'll regret it if he did. Food helps with the headaches, so he stumbles into the kitchen for a bowl of yogurt and granola, exhausted and a little listless, replaying everything in his head.

Shepard. Shepard's actually a criminal, a dirty cop who had Kaidan fooled this entire time. Probably had everyone in the precinct fooled, too, maybe even Garrus and Tali.

Alone in the kitchen, he scrubs a hand down his face, wondering how he could have just let all this get so out of hand, how he could have passed off all the little things that rubbed him the wrong way in the moment: the weird reports, the late nights, never talking about work, what happened after Apollo's. He'd let himself be distracted from all the obvious signs that Shepard wasn't who he said he was, and now he was paying the price. Maybe he was slipping, letting his feelings get in the way of his principles. Not five years ago, he'd never let those sorts of things slide under the radar, not in the Alliance.

Now, he's just a tired barely-Alliance officer who let his attraction to one man blind him from doing his duty.

Half out of himself, he hears the door open and shut.

"I'm home," Ashley announces from the door, and Kaidan listens to the sound of her kicking off her shoes, dropping her bag on the floor.

"Hey," he welcomes her, and he knows he sounds flat from the way she buries her fist into his shoulder. He'll probably have a bruise there tomorrow, if he doesn't already from being shot at. He's too tired to notice the pain right now, especially with his head feeling like it's about to split in half.

"You good?"

"Yeah," he answers her in a sigh, rubbing the spot her knuckles had been. "Just... need to go to sleep."

She gives him a look, but eventually lets it go, turning away to poke around in the fridge.

"Hey, Ash," he begins again after a silence, "I'm... ah, I'm thinking about asking the Alliance to take me back to the front."

That gets Ashley to stop, at least.

"What?"

He shrugs, the motion tired. "I just think it's time."

She's quiet for a moment, looking him over. "Did something happen? You're not exactly an out-of-the-blue kinda guy."

"Kinda," he says, rubbing his face and staring into his empty bowl.

Ashley sighs, tapping her fingers on the counter for a long, quiet moment. "I'd have to find a new roommate. No one's gonna be as good as you, you know."

He chuckles, a quick, soft noise. "I know."

"Who else in the galaxy is gonna rub my feet when they force me to watch Star Trek?"

"You're generally the one suggesting we watch it," he points out.

“I’ll say it’s fifty-fifty,” she says with a shrug. “Hey, look, you’ve had a long day. What do you say we sit down and watch an episode or two.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “Not tonight.”

“Wow, you’re so tired you don’t even wanna watch Star Trek? You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, Ash,” he snaps, standing up. “I just don’t wanna watch a stupid vid right now, okay?”

The kitchen falls quiet, the two of them staring at each other before Kaidan finally lets his eyes fall. He didn’t mean to yell, he just… doesn’t know how to deal with any of this right now, and the headache isn't helping, though he can deal with that on its own. Right now it seems like the only thing he _does_ have control over. Part of him foolishly hopes today has just been some kind of strange nightmare, one he’s yet to wake from. Maybe if he goes to sleep, he’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal. He’ll wake up soon and go for a run and go to work, Jack and Liara will nag him over lunch, he’ll walk his students through the next day’s astrophysics lab, Shepard will greet him with a smile on the subway. As it is though, he just wants to crawl into bed and never get up again.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. At a loss, he picks up his empty bowl, heading over to put it in the sink. However, Ashley plucks it from his hands before he can get there.

“I’ll clean up,” she offers. “You look beat.”

Kaidan nods in thanks, padding toward his bedroom and running his fingers through his hair, which is unsurprisingly already in disarray.

“Kaidan?” Ashley calls just as he’s stepping through the threshold. “I’m gonna make you talk about… whatever’s bothering you eventually. But whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, okay?”

He forces himself to smile at her. “Thanks, Ash.”

She smiles back at him, gentle and genuine, but she has her _I'm your big sister a _nd you'll listen to me__  (even though Kaidan is older, and unrelated) voice usually reserved for her actual sisters when she says, "Go to bed."

The door slides closed behind him as he enters the room completely. He strips off his clothes as he goes, his head beginning its pounding again, and he crashes into bed, bone-loose and beaten to exhaustion.

Just before he flicks off his lights, his omni-tool chirps at him. Suppressing a groan, he brings up the message screen.

All he needs to see is the name “Shepard” in the sender line to prompt him into immediately closing the message.

His muscles itch to just yank the omni-tool off his arm and throw it across the room, but he manages to keep his cool long enough to command it to silence all incoming messages from Shepard, leaving them unread in his inbox until he decides otherwise. Part of him wants to block them altogether, but maybe there will be a reason to read them later. Much later. Maybe. If he ever feels like it, and he's really not sure he's going to.

For the next few days, everything is relatively quiet, Ash seeming to sense he needs space more than anything. Even Jack is fairly quiet—or, at least, less on his case than usual. During his lunch breaks he tries to get Liara to talk more about this woman she likes, and while she does talk more about her than before, Kaidan doesn’t really feel like talking any more than he needs to when the conversation turns on him, so that’s that.

Eventually, though, Ash's patience runs out, seeing him sitting on the couch with a book pulled up on his omni-tool one evening a few days later.

"Enough moping. Time to talk," she says authoritatively, flopping down next to him on the couch as she comes home from work, and Kaidan knows this means he won't be able to fight her off any longer, whether he's confident about his choices or not.

He sighs, closing his omni-tool and sitting more upright, "Alright, Ash. Alright." Across from him, Ash is settling back into the couch cushions, gearing down for the long haul.

"I want the full story of whatever this is," she clarifies, pointing a finger at him. "I know you wouldn't just pull this 'I wanna rejoin the Alliance frontlines' shit out of nowhere."

"I do genuinely miss the action," he begins, shrugging a little weakly. It isn't a lie—he'd even told Shepard the same thing months and months ago, before all this happened, before Shepard was more than a handsome, friendly face he'd see on the subway occasionally. Before he knew better. "I miss helping."

"You help those biotic kids—you're probably their hero, all the shit you put up with and still get the job done," Ashley points out, and Kaidan feels a little surprised at how sincere she sounds about it all. "You're probably the only good human biotic they have."

"What about Jack?" he asks, and she looks at him so flatly all he can respond with is, "Okay, point there."

Still, she’s looking at him expectantly, so he sits back into the couch, sighing as he thinks about how he's going to explain this to her. Slowly but surely, he does, starting with what happened after Apollo's with Finch and Kai Leng, then how much time passed with no contact from Shepard at all aside from the occasional text to note that he was still alive. If Ashley notices how he pauses at certain points, rubbing his eyes or stopping to think _what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong,_ she never comments, or makes any indication or teasing remark that she knew this was about Shepard, as she usually might. She barely makes a sound, just letting Kaidan get it all out while he can, though Kaidan can tell from her changing facial expressions that she's listening intently. Soon enough, he knows she's not thinking about teasing him at all about Shepard being a reason he wants to go back either, probably because she knows he'd never make that sort of decision without a damn good reason to. Eventually, when she hears that reason, when she hears what happened when Kaidan asked to help the police in the subway, it dawns on her, and she finally breaks her silence.

"What the hell!"

He can only nod solemnly, give her time to absorb this, but she lets loose.

"Cerberus? Fucking _Cerberus?_ How the hell can he think they actually— they always say _'for the good of humanity'_ and shit, but we all know that they're just a glorified gang, they just..." She trails off, fuming.

"I know," he says, because it’s all he can say, all other possible combinations of words he can think of getting stuck in his throat. He swallows them down thickly, this throat burning. He realises Ashley is just looking at him, her expression concerned.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan,” comes her soft voice.

“I know,” he repeats, looking away from her to his clasped hands.

“Are you okay?”

“I think, I just… ah, I liked him, you know?” He shakes his head slightly, sighing, playing with his own fingers for any kind of distraction from how his eyes are burning in a manner he keeps trying to blink back and hide. He trusts Ashley with his life, but he doesn’t want to cry in front of her, not because it’s her, but because he doesn’t want to cry at all. “I really liked him, and I wanted... I trusted him, and I thought that maybe we—”

Kaidan shakes his head again, lifting his hands and pressing the palms into his eyes, pushing away the pain and the hurt and the heartbreak. He really liked Shepard, thought for the first time in who knows how long that maybe he'd found someone really, truly good, someone that was good for _him._ Before recently, he'd always been too focused on his career, on getting the job done with his character and morals intact. Maybe he was a romantic at heart, always wanting a good connection with someone before he got into anything, and he thought maybe he'd finally have that chance, to finally take that leap of faith in someone he trusted and admired and really, genuinely _liked,_ only for him to discover—

He sucks in a breath, unsure of where he’s found himself in life, questioning what went wrong, where _he_ went wrong, how he didn't catch any of this sooner, despite all the warning signs he wouldn't usually ignore.

He drops his hands from his eyes, staring forward a little blankly, a little angrily. “You were right, Ash. I'm not sure I really want to go back to the frontlines. Right now, I just want out, and I just... this is so _stupid,_ ” he begins harshly, and then—

Then Ashley’s arms are encircling his neck, hugging him, one hand snaking into his hair and the other pressing into his back, and he shuts his eyes tightly, afraid that even though this is his best friend that he’s made an idiot of himself.

“You’re not stupid, Kaidan,” she says, her voice a puff against his ear, somehow caring and authoritative at once, and he feels the burn of his throat and eyes return as she squeezes him tightly before continuing, “This isn’t stupid.”

So he lets go.

A tear starts down his cheek and his arms envelop her in turn, pulling her tight. He buries his face in her neck, seeking her warmth, her comfort, and she gives it to him willingly—she’d probably never admit it, and he might not either, but he thinks distantly that this is the sort of comfort that he needs right now. Normally, he hates crying: it feels awful while it’s happening and it lingers after for days, kicking up headaches constantly, but now, buried into Ash’s shoulder, probably ruining her hoodie, he feels it’s okay to let go. Maybe it’s Shepard and everything else he’s buried to deal with at a later date, or maybe it’s just because it’s Ashley, he doesn’t know. Somehow, it doesn’t matter.

When he makes to pull back, ready to rub his eyes and wipe away the few tears of frustration and anger and loneliness, she pulls him tighter and sits back, taking him down with her. They’ve cuddled before, knowing because of discussion that it’s nothing more than platonic—the time his dad ended up in the hospital, the time her sister finally spoke out and ended an abusive relationship, all the times they’re just tired and want the comfort of a friend—so in the end, he just remains with her, his face resting against her chest and stomach with his arms around her sides, her hands carding through her hair. He still feels a little stupid about getting upset, but pressed up against her side, he feels better. Feels reassured. He realises that this is something he loves about Ash—sure, yeah, she’s a little rough and tumble at first, but she’s one of the greatest friends he has. She’s deeply loyal, and just as deeply caring, even if her affection can come out as a little aggressive to some. That’s part of what makes her so decidedly _Ashley Williams,_ though—hell, even when they’re cuddling, she’s still the one calling the shots.

Distantly, Kaidan thinks she’d be great to have on the battlefield, a person he’d trust to have his back through thick and thin. Somehow, he knows she feels the exact same way, and he realises with this thought that he feels better, the best he has in the past few weeks since Apollo’s. Right now, he doesn’t want to think about Apollo’s though, or anything else to do with it. He’s more than tired, feeling like a raw recruit thrown right into Alliance training simulations.

With a breath, Kaidan reaches out for the remote, turning on the TV before handing it to Ashley to control. He doesn’t really care what they watch right now— well, as long as it’s not Star Trek. Luckily, Ash is still on his side, changing the channel to something Kaidan doesn’t really remember come morning. It doesn’t matter, though, because knowing Ash is there for him is enough.

Unfortunately, even cuddling and sleeping on the couch with his best friend has to end in light of working in the morning, and that appears to be the end of his streak of _good_ times as it is. The rest of Kaidan’s week is less-than-stellar, to put it mildly, between Jack picking her antics back up and being buried alive under papers to grade, along with everything else, apparently. So, really, a police skycar cutting him off as he walks from the school to the subway station on Friday is just par for the course.

“What now,” Kaidan grumbles to himself as he slows to a halt, having zero tolerance for anything else to go wrong in his life right now, because while Ashley might have helped, that doesn’t mean the rest of the world still isn’t shit.

The skycar window slides down, revealing one Garrus Vakarian sitting alone in the cabin, looking at Kaidan through a pair of sunglasses.

Well. All this means is he’s probably in a very different kind of trouble.

“I’m here to arrest you, Alenko,” Garrus declares, lifting a talon to lower his glasses and peer at Kaidan over the top of them, like he actually thinks this is funny, actually thinks Kaidan wants to talk to him of all people right now.

Kaidan scoffs, pushing to walk around the back of the car. “I don’t have time for this, Garrus.”

Garrus decides to be difficult, apparently, backing the skycar up slightly and blocking Kaidan’s exit again. Kaidan huffs, shooting a glare towards the turian. He may be a cop, but Kaidan really doesn't want to deal with this right now.

“Okay, I’m not actually here to arrest you,” Garrus confesses, removing the sunglasses altogether. “But we do need to talk.”

“About what?” Kaidan asks, more of an accusatory statement than a question. If Garrus wants to drive up in a police skycar just to talk, Kaidan reserves the right to be difficult about it.

Garrus shakes his head, saying, “You know, Tali told me you’d be more stubborn than Shepard, but I’ll admit, after knowing him for as long as I have, I wasn’t inclined to believe her. Thanks for proving her right straight off the bat, as if she doesn’t already have enough over me.”

Kaidan stiffens. “If you’re here because Shepard sent you, I don’t wanna fucking hear it. You can tell him that verbatim, if you like.”

“Shepard didn’t fucking send me, Kaidan,” Garrus insists, subharmonics sharp under his words. The turian suddenly kills the engine and steps out of the car, now looming a few inches over Kaidan. “I’m here on my own. If you’d dealt with what I have all week, you’d understand why.”

“Dealt with what? Learning one of your closest friends has been lying to you since you met?” Kaidan laughs mirthlessly. “Believe me, I do understand.”

“I don’t think you do,” Garrus says, somewhat cryptically, making what might be a glare, but mostly it just annoys Kaidan further. After the events of the last month, he’s beginning to realise that one of the things that frustrates him the most is people not being completely honest with him, keeping secrets or speaking to him as if he’s incapable of understanding. He likes having all the facts, being in control of the situation, and right now? Right now, everything in his life feels more out of control than ever.

“Just give me a few minutes, okay?” Garrus insists. In response, Kaidan says nothing, just looks at Garrus expectantly, indicating he’s willing to listen— for now, at least. “I think it’s an understatement to say there’s been… a bit of a misunderstanding.”

“Really. Because the only thing I seem to be misunderstanding is why you’re still defending him.”

Garrus tilts his head at him. “Of course I’m defending him. He’s my best friend. I’m not saying he’s done everything perfectly lately—or ever, really—but he’s trying his best.”

Kaidan scoffs. “'His best.' If working for Cerberus is _‘his best’_ then I really don’t want to know what he’s like at his worst.”

“ _'What he’s like at—?'_ Wait.” Garrus seems to squint at him. “Kaidan, you don’t… actually think he works for Cerberus, do you?”

This makes Kaidan pause.

“What other explanation is there?”

“Did you not consider the possibility that he’s been undercover?”

Kaidan _had_ considered that possibility, but somehow, with the chaos of anger and sadness and betrayal swirling around in his head, he’d dismissed it as unrealistic. Rethinking it now, however… it does seems at least somewhat logical this time around, maybe even more so than the immediate conclusion he’d arrived at. Rationally, he knows _why_ he didn’t really bother giving the idea that Shepard had been undercover any credibility in his mind—no matter what, Shepard had been lying to him for weeks and weeks, and that hurt; being hurt like that tended to make him want to justify those feelings as much as possible. An explanation that justified his anger and confusion more than betrayal and heartbreak—the latter feelings being much more difficult to deal with than the former? Yeah, no wonder he’d put more validity in that one. But somehow he’d been so blinded by trying to sort it all out that he’d never really considered the possibility _he_ might have been wrong, not Shepard.

“Maybe,” Kaidan says intelligently, probably after too long a silence.

“For the love of…” Garrus mumbles, shaking his head. “I don’t suppose you’ve looked at any of the messages I know he’s been sending you?”

Well, Kaidan knows there are at least a dozen by now, but they’re all sitting his inbox, still unread from when he silenced them over a week ago, but...

“No,” he admits, trying to keep his voice steady.

“You two really do make quite a couple," Garrus says, more to himself, shaking his head. When Kaidan just stares at him, he elaborates, "Of stubborn knuckleheads, that is.”

“Hey—”

Garrus holds up a hand to stop him. “Look, it’s not up to me to settle this. You two need to talk to each other for that. The only reason I came here—of my own volition—was to tell you to trust me when I say that Shepard is very sorry about everything. And that he’d really appreciate it if you’d read some of the messages he’s been sending you, or at least agree to talk to him so he can explain. Preferably sometime soon.” He pauses, subharmonics humming contemplatively. “Actually, everyone at the precinct—myself especially—would appreciate it, too, if it means he’d stop acting like a kicked varren— or puppy? Poppy? Miranda said it earlier. Whatever those fluffy human pets are called, the ones that come in all the weird shapes but are somehow still the same species.”

Kaidan manages a short laugh, the knot of anger in his gut dissolving a bit, if still coiled a little with embarrassment. “Close enough.”

The turian nods. “So we’re clear, then?”

Kaidan hesitates. “I’m not just gonna sweep this all under the rug—”

“Wouldn’t expect you to.”

“—But I guess I’ll hear him out. Eventually,” he finishes. Nothing’s been forgiven yet, and he’s not going to give Shepard a call the second Garrus drives away, certainly, but… well, Kaidan does pride himself on being fair, and honest, and giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Now that he’s had a third person’s input on the whole thing, he can admit to himself that he may have been… a tiny bit harsh. Shepard had fucked up, no doubt, but he’s still Kaidan’s friend. Probably. Maybe. Either way, Kaidan figures he can let Shepard say his side of the story, if nothing else.

“That’s all I can ask,” Garrus says. With that, he climbs back into his skycar, but doesn’t start the ignition just yet. Instead, he hesitates, seeming to war with himself for a moment, before finally speaking up again. “For the record, we all think you are really good for him. I hope you two can figure this out.”

Then the windshield is up and he’s driving off back down the lane, disappearing into the commotion of the city, leaving Kaidan alone with that comment hanging in the air.

“Me too,” he says to no one in particular. Slowly, he makes his way toward the subway, mulling this all over.

On the train, alone as he has been for the past few weeks, Kaidan idly taps at his omni-tool, bringing up the message logs just to close the window again, repeating the motions so many times he loses count. He even tries to play a puzzle game at one point, but he’s too distracted by thoughts of his conversation with Garrus that he can’t really concentrate. Eventually he just turns it off altogether. This can be dealt with once he’s home.

Before he knows it, though, he is home, and still at a loss for what to do.

No, he knows what he has to do, knows what he’s going to do. It’s just nerves holding him back. Nerves, and the persistent worry that he won’t be able to fix this, that either he or Shepard or both of them have screwed up too much for this odd friendship they’ve had for the past few months to still be salvageable.

But Kaidan isn’t one to let worries and doubts stop him from trying.

His omni-tool lights his otherwise dim bedroom up with an orange glow as it comes back to life. Kaidan promised Garrus—if only in a roundabout way—as well as himself, that he would at least read Shepard’s messages, at least _try_ to figure this out.  

He reads through each of the messages, one by one, earliest to most recent, conflicting emotions, anger and guilt, warring in his chest. There are eleven messages in all, three of which were sent all within an hour of each other the night of the heist itself. Those ones are replete with apologies and pleas to hear him out, respond, _anything_ —

> _Kaidan, please just let me explain. I couldn’t say much this evening, but I promise there’s a reason for that. I’m sorry for not telling you the truth before, but I couldn't—I would tell you right now if I could, but it’s too risky to explain through a message. That probably doesn’t make it seem any better, but I promise, it’s not what you think._

The more recent ones, including one sent just this morning, are more resigned, and Kaidan feels the guilt a little more potently at those ones.

> _I guess I know you’re not reading these by now. Or maybe you are and just don’t want to reply. I get it. You should know I still really regret what happened. I wish I'd been able to explain everything to you sooner, and I'm allowed to explain now if you still care to hear, but that's up to you. I hope you're alright._

He reads them all a second time to strengthen his resolve, then, opening one of the messages that asked if Kaidan would be amenable to letting Shepard explain in person, he hits reply for the first time and types out a response, hitting send before he can talk himself out of it.

> _Sorry for not replying sooner. I’m just seeing these for the first time now. I would have replied earlier, but… well. I hope you understand._
> 
> _I’m not making any promises, but if you’re willing to talk, I’m willing to listen. I probably owe you an apology too, after all. There’s a park a few blocks from the subway station - Huerta Memorial Park. Seeing as it’s the weekend, I’ll be there tomorrow around 1200 if you wanna meet up._
> 
> _         K. Alenko _


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is a good listener and Shepard shares too much over coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, Michelle here! thank you so so much for all the phenomenal feedback, every single comment literally just makes me glow with happiness, you're all too sweet. this isn't the final chapter, by the way, there are still two (maybe three?) more to come your way soon enough! enjoy! also on [tumblr](http://knightcommandernerd.tumblr.com/post/124452700697).
> 
> p.s. I realised that I haven't written Kaidan saying a single 'eh' in this fic so far, and as a self-respecting Canadian writing a Canadian character, I could condone that transgression no longer. so any eh's in this chapter are Canadian-approved. *thumbs up*

In the end, they do agree to meet at Huerta Memorial Park after work, a neutral territory for both of them where no one knows who they are or what they have to talk about. The location is convenient, too, and Kaidan knows it—if this goes badly, then they can split up without having to go the same direction to go home, no waiting around awkwardly for one of them to get far enough away so the other can leave. Shepard would go south, Kaidan northeast, and they'd never have to see each other again except on accident.

Somehow—and though he'd probably never admit it except to himself—even though it should be reassuring, that thought makes Kaidan feel even more nervous than before.

Still, he goes. In fact, he goes early, partly out of habit and partly out of nerves. He takes a walk around the park, trying to distract himself from thinking on what might happen too hard, instead trying to observe the life around him, the people out jogging, the sounds of chatting about nothing, the spectacular green of the trees set up to resemble parks back on Earth. In other parks in other places in the city, there are asari parks, turian parks, parks with origins Kaidan isn't too sure of, all meant to resemble life back home while maintaining a stable, functional ecosystem with the help of moderators to fill in the gaps and make sure the various ecosystems blocks and blocks away don't interact negatively with one another. It's all over Kaidan's head, probably something Liara could understand and explain in a three-hour-minimum lecture, but Kaidan at least gets the gist of it, enough to know that sometimes two very different things can either help or harm each other. It feels like a metaphor he doesn't want to think much about.

When he finally brings himself around to the place he's supposed to meet Shepard, he's surprised to see the man already sitting at a table a good distance away from anyone else, two cups of coffee in front of him, hands laced and elbows on the table as he stares off in another direction, maybe watching those two drell kids chase each other, or maybe those dogs run after the same ball, one dog too quick and the other too slow. Either way, he doesn't notice Kaidan approaching until he calls out to him with a small, "Hey."

That finally catches Shepard's attention, the man whipping back to face him, his expression at once startled and what might be something like hopeful before it falls back into schooled composure.

"Hey," he greets, then waves to the seat across from him at the small table, which Kaidan takes easily, dropping his school bag next to him. "I got us coffee," he says, picking up both cups and offering Kaidan the one in his left hand. "I don't really know how you like yours, so..."

"I don't drink coffee much," he notes, but he still takes it gently, and Shepard seems a little wary as he brings the cup close to his face to inhale some of the steam. French vanilla, maybe a little on the bitter side. Even just guessing, Shepard had him pegged. He takes a quick sip, then sets the cup on the table in front of him, careful not to idly pick at the lid or anything that might make it obvious that he's sort of nervous about this. Not when Shepard is watching him so carefully.

"So," Kaidan prompts, hoping the other man will continue for him, looking back at Shepard now, who has his arms crossed on top of the table, leaning forward. Instead of continuing for him, Shepard drops his arms off the table and does that thing that Kaidan has noticed he does, inclining his head and looking slightly away from him like he's unsure how to start. With a sigh, Kaidan begins again for both of them, "I... wanted to apologise for snapping at you like I did. I was hasty, and I just... needed time to think this all over first." He shakes his head, uncertain—he knew everything he wanted to say before he got here, but now it all seems sort of useless.

"You don't need to be," Shepard interjects. "Sorry, that is. You didn't have all the information, and I wanted to tell you but I..." He trails off, clicking his jaw sideways before he asks, "How much did Garrus tell you?"

"Not much," Kaidan says with a downturned lip and a shrug. "Just that you were undercover. Or, he implied that, at least."

"I kind of was."

"Kind of?"

Shepard frowns, leaning forward again in his seat. "Double agent, I guess you could call it."

"Double agent," Kaidan echoes flatly.

"Cerberus thought I was spying on the police department when really I was spying on Cerberus."

"I know what a double agent is, Shepard," Kaidan responds dryly. "Question is, why? Why you, what for? You're a detective."

Shepard's jaw ticks to the side again, his face harsh and cold, not like it's Kaidan fault for asking but more like he hates the answer he has to give. "Cerberus has been one of the biggest reasons our detectives are hard at work in the first place," he says firmly. Kaidan knows this—hell, it's pretty obvious. They're one of the most notorious gangs in the city, probably just one bombing short of being considered a terrorist organisation instead.

"You can see why I'd be wary," Kaidan points out. Shepard looks at him in a manner that might be sad for that, making Kaidan’s heart clench in a way he was hoping to avoid.

"I was feeding Cerberus false reports, 'making sure they wouldn't get caught,'" he says, voice somehow tight and tired. "Obviously we knew who was doing what and how, but we had to convince them otherwise for the time being, until I could set up a plan on how to get them all at once."

"Sounds difficult," Kaidan comments, because he's not sure what else he could say.

"It is," Shepard says, then corrects himself after a pause, "Was."

"But why you?" Kaidan reasserts. "You weren't exactly 'deep cover' or anything. You've told me a number of times you'd been working with the precinct since—"

"Before I was even a legal adult," Shepard finishes for him. This drops them both into silence for a long moment, Kaidan unsure what to say and how to say it even if he could think of anything. Right now, this is Shepard's domain, Shepard's apology. Looking at him now, Kaidan realises the lines around his eyes have never seemed deeper. It seems almost impossible that Shepard is three years younger than he is—right now, he seems older, like he's seen too much. Depending on how long he's worked with Cerberus, he probably has. But he barely even seems like the same man he used to talk to on the subway, went out to Apollo's with. Here and now, he seems... emptier, the way he used to when Kaidan would see him with a black eye and a bloody nose before they had spoken to one another.

Eventually, Shepard shakes his head, letting out a long breath. "I wanted to tell you, Kaidan, I did," he says, eyes on the table between them. "I asked if I could multiple times but it wouldn't go through."

"Why? I'm still an Alliance officer, surely they wouldn’t think I’d rat you out to Cerberus— hell, I'd sooner shoot them than speak to them." That gets a soft, wry chuckle out of Shepard.

"It"s policy," he explains. "Sergeant Lawson was very adamant. Only spouses and live-in partners are allowed to know, and we weren't..."

Shepard doesn't bother finishing that sentence, but Kaidan knows what he means anyway: _they_ weren't _._

Kaidan takes in a breath, looking down at the same spot Shepard's eyes are fixed on. Yeah.

"You still didn't answer the question," Kaidan points out, because apparently old undercover detective habits die hard. Shepard looks up to him briefly and then swiftly away, rubbing a palm over the top of his close-cropped hair, the scars along his hairline more visible than ever. Slowly but surely, Shepard folds his hands together and settles them on the table, turning back to Kaidan at last, like he's settling in for the long haul, a long story.

"Kaidan, I'm not gonna lie to you," he begins, making Kaidan furrow his brow as he listens, trying to be intent and give Shepard the chance to finish whatever this may be before he'll allow himself to interrupt. "I was actually a part of Cerberus at one time."

Okay, maybe he really should interrupt because how could anyone be so _stupid_ , but Shepard continues on before he can get a word out, which is probably for the best.

"I know what you're thinking, but I was young and living on the streets.—anyone who promised even one good meal was good enough for me. My parents died when I was really young," he explains, and before Kaidan can even get out an _I'm sorry,_ Shepard sighs in a way that makes Kaidan's chest felt tight with sympathy. "At least I think they did. I don't even remember what they looked like now, if I ever knew at all.

"All I remember was scrapping around the city, looking for anything to help me survive. Then Cerberus found me, took me in, and gave me the first hot meal I'd had in probably months—I'm sure it was shit food but anything tastes like you've died and gone to heaven when you're starving. But they— Cerberus gave us—me and couple other kids—an offer: collect information, sniff around a little, and then get a decent meal every night. It seemed like a real good deal at the time. No one suspects a kid who looks like their last meal came out of the garbage—hell, they barely even look at you." The way Shepard is speaking sounds saddened and distant at the same time, Kaidan's heart going out to him. Across the table, the man meets his gaze at last, saying, "That's why I was Anderson’s first choice for the job.”

Now, he leans forward, forearms on the table to gesture as he continues. "See, after a couple years of working with Cerberus, only getting a meal maybe half as much as promised on a good day... well, that's when I bumped into Anderson. I'd gotten pretty good at laying low, sneaking around, but... Anderson was better. He wasn't head of the precinct at the time, just a beat cop working his way up, but he still caught me red-handed." Here, Shepard laughs a little bit, wiping a hand over his face, the noise at once warm and sad, the sadness of it still just a distant lilt to his words. "I still remember the look on his face when he finally got me cornered running from him. I was just a skinny fuck-up still on the lookout for a meal Cerberus had promised and never followed through with.”

Kaidan sits still, trying to take measured breaths, still trying to wrap his head around this. He’d suspected there was more than just being undercover to Shepard’s story, suspected there were probably reasons for what he had done, but he’d never imagined that it went back this far, that it was basically an entire life leading up to what Kaidan had only seen flashes of— and made the wrong assumptions about, at that.

He swallows while Shepard pauses to take a breath, keeping his voice carefully neutral. “So you quit Cerberus because you got arrested?”

Shepard winces slightly. “Sort of.” Kaidan once again refrains from interrupting. Jumping to conclusions got them into this mess, and it’s not going to help get them out. He takes a long drink from his coffee cup instead, fiddles with the cap to keep himself and his mouth occupied. “Anderson locked me up overnight, that’s for sure. But it was just theft, at least, so all I had to do was pay the charges, which were credits I didn’t have. And even if I did, I’d probably have been saving them for some real food here and there.

“So by all means, I should have been in even more trouble, but Anderson... he offered me a deal.  He said if I’d keep my head down, go about my life—if you can call it that—as usual, and report back to him with Cerberus intel I came across, he’d call that my community service instead of making me pay personally.”

Kaidan whistles. “He sounds like a good man.”

“The best,” Shepard agrees. “It was a huge risk for him, obviously, that I might rat on him to Cerberus instead of the other way around, and I’ll admit I considered it. But… no one had really given me a chance like that before, and something about the guy…” Shepard trails off slightly, looking lost in thought, before he collects himself again. “Well, I didn’t wanna blow it. So I did what he said, told him any info I got, and when he decided my sentence was up, instead of just letting me go back to the streets, he told me he’d get his department to pay me if I wanted to keep it up. And I did.”

“What about actually joining the police force though?” Kaidan asks, unable to mask his curiosity.

“Well, once I started working for Captain Anderson, that’s what I consider the end of my career with Cerberus,” he explains. “I still kept ties with them, but spending more and more time around a police station, some people were starting to get suspicious. Lucky for me, I turned 18 right around then, so I suggested I join the police to be an inside man for Cerberus, when really, I just officially became a cop, and then a detective, and so on. Luckily they bought into it—I think because I was still feeding them good info now and then.”

Shepard pauses, scrutinising Kaidan a bit. “You okay so far?”

“Yeah. It’s just a lot to take in,” Kaidan admits. “So, just to clarify, you were playing both sides, eh?”

“I guess, but I was really a police officer. Some of the info I gave Cerberus was true so they’d think I was doing ‘my job,’ but a lot of it was false or irrelevant. I mean, as far as you know.”

Kaidan blinks. “That’s not funny.”

“Sorry,” Shepard says, even though he looks like he’s not entirely, and somehow, Kaidan has to fight back a smile of his own.

“That’s… a precarious position to be in. Honestly, I’m amazed you kept that up for so long. It sounds exhausting.”

“I kept it up all the way until that job at the Horizon warehouse. That was supposed to be the end of it. I was getting tired, Cerberus was getting suspicious—mostly thanks to Kai Leng, you got to see his charm for yourself—and a little more serious than I’d like. I’m sure you know, they’re barely a gang anymore; they’re just shy of being deemed a terrorist organisation, and for good reason. So we planned the task force at the train station, our ‘escape’ through the old tunnels, all of it, to deal one final blow to Cerberus.”

“Did it work?”

“Mostly. Cerberus isn’t gone, but they took a huge hit, and they’ve lost a lot of their best people—Kai Leng was taken down in a raid thanks to some info from one of the guys who got arrested with me. The Illusive Man managed to get away just before then, though.”

“So I guess he really is an _elusive_ man,” Kaidan says, biting back a smile as he says it, because it came to mind and he couldn’t resist. It gets a wry smile out of Shepard, but it was still a little ill-placed despite Shepard’s earlier joke, and so he amends with a small, “Sorry.”

Shepard shakes his head, smiling. “That’s alright.” He pauses, considering, the smile falling off his lips, and Kaidan is a little sad to see it go. “But Cerberus is almost entirely powerless now without their best. Including myself. I’m done with them.” He looks straight at Kaidan when he says that.

Kaidan dodges his gaze, taking another sip of coffee. “Good.”

“And that’s… all of it. You’re caught up.” Shepard finally quiets, adjusting his posture a bit, and Kaidan would probably think his anxious fidgeting were more obvious if he weren’t so preoccupied with staring at his coffee cup like it’s going to spell out the right response to everything he just heard.

Eventually, he finds the courage to raise his eyes to Shepard’s, piercing blue as ever, staring at him not just like he wants Kaidan to believe him, but like Kaidan believing him _means_ something to him. Like _Kaidan_ means something to him. And Kaidan realises that it goes both ways, that he still cares about this man sitting across from him and... oh, apparently it doesn’t matter how much they’ve been through and how many curveballs they’ve been thrown, he is still in way too deep.

“I just wanted an explanation for what happened at the train station,” he finally admits. “You… you didn’t have to tell me all that.”

“I figured,” Shepard says. “But I wanted to.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t just want you to forgive me.” Shepard looks down almost automatically, but immediately drags his eyes back up to Kaidan’s, looking determined and just a little courageous, as if he needs that courage to say what he wants to say. “I wanted you to trust me again.”

Oh yeah, he’s still completely screwed.

At a loss, he downs another sip of coffee, cooler now but still good. “Man, and I thought my childhood was fucked up,” he says on an exhale. As soon as he says it he regrets it, though; laughing off the downright tragic story Shepard just told him is not the right way to move this conversation forward at all; he didn’t mean to make this about him, because it was supposed to be about _Shepard_. Honestly, what was he thinking?

Somehow, though, Shepard laughs at that. “That so.”

He hums in assent, rolling with it. “Finding out I was a biotic and all the complications that come with that was just the start. Then there was being ostracised by all my classmates, sent to BAaT on my fifteenth birthday— I guess back then BAaT was considered a ‘biotic school’ like the one I work at now, even though they’re almost nothing alike.”

Shepard nods, but it seems like the humor has gone out of him. “You mentioned that at Apollo’s.”

“Yeah. Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. Not exactly quality education… especially not when you get yourself kicked out, get the whole program shut down, and drive away your only friend when you’re not even an adult yet for something you didn’t mean to do,” he explains, the words rushing out with little thought. He doesn’t bring this up much to anyone. Not that he’s suppressing the memories, just that he’s compartmentalised and learned from the experiences enough that he’s able to move past them on a daily basis, be a better person for it. BAaT doesn’t exactly haunt him, but it’s not unimportant in his life, either, and for some reason, right now, he feels driven to tell Shepard about it.

Shepard looks at him with eyes full of concern. “I’m sorry. That sounds terrible.”

“I think I should be saying that to you,” Kaidan says, trying to shrug it off. “I mean, it sucked, but I’ve come to terms with myself, even though I ended up—” He pauses, frustrated, not ready yet to share the rest of that story.

Shepard is still watching him, and Kaidan really doesn’t want to leave today without getting his own feelings out there, so he changes the topic back to what’s at hand, taking a breath and saying what’s on his mind for the here and now.

“I just want you to trust me again, too.”

Miraculously, Shepard does grin at that, gentle and sincere, after a good five seconds of looking stunned. “I do.”

Kaidan smiles too, realising it’s the first time since Apollo’s he’s genuinely smiled because of Shepard. It feels good.

“I’m glad. And I’d be happy to tell you the rest of that story, about BAaT, but…” He looks at Shepard wryly, laughing just a little at himself for it. “You might have to buy me a drink or two first for the rest of that one.”

He means it as a peace offering, as a _we’re not gonna pretend this didn’t happen, but I’m not giving up yet because we can figure this out if you want to, we can be okay._

Shepard seems to get it, smiling to himself. “I think that can be arranged.”

 _Yeah, we’re gonna be okay_ , Kaidan thinks, smiling back at him. Everything’s gonna be okay.

It does take a while for things to get back to normal, though. They start to see each other on the subway again, deliberately seeking each other out in the crowd and trying to coordinate the times they head home. It’s a nice change from when Kaidan had actively been trying to avoid seeing him on the train. They suffer through more than a few awkward silences and lapses in conversation topics—now less comfortable than they used to be—but do get back into the habit of listening to music again, which helps since it’s always been a very ‘no pressure’ sort of activity.

One day, after a few weeks have passed since their meeting at Huerta, Kaidan takes his seat before Shepard arrives, pulling out some tests to be marked without thinking. When Shepard does settle down in the chair next to him, he holds a pen in one hand, extending the other towards the stack of papers. “I think I still remember how to do this,” he says cheekily, and Kaidan laughs genuinely before handing him some tests and the multiple choice answer key, just like old times.

And then another remarkable day, Kaidan’s listening to his own music when Shepard catches up to him, though his head is mostly in the clouds.

“What are you listening to?”

“Hmm?” Kaidan pulls out an earbud to pay closer attention to him, before realising what he’d been asked. “Oh, it’s…” He checks his omni-tool, barely paying attention to the music. When he notices what he’s had playing, it takes some effort to keep his cheeks from heating up, having to laugh just a little at himself. “It’s, um… the playlist you gave me.”

Shepard’s expression isn’t easy to read, but he certainly doesn’t look unhappy. “Really.”

“Really.” He clears his throat, deciding if he wants to say more, or just shrug it off, but... _eh, what the hell_. “I like it.”

In his mind, it sounds like _I like you._

Shepard ducks his head a bit, trying to hide his grin, looking kind of flustered and also kind of adorable, in Kaidan’s highly biased opinion.  

“Me too.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard buys Kaidan that drink and Kaidan has a headache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! even though Charley wrote this chapter, I'm posting it as Charley is currently at a con cosplaying as an amaaaaazing Commander Shepard. as usual, we're both super ecstatic you guys are still enjoying this so much, and so so grateful for all your generous comments. this fic is just about wrapped up; we've only got a chapter or two left, but it's been an amazing ride and thanks for joining us! 
> 
> enjoy the chapter, my loves. ♥ also on [tumblr](http://captainshakespear.tumblr.com/post/125034624829)

"And that's how Shepard managed to arrest a man with only a highlighter," Garrus ends with a flourish, pointing his finger-pistol at the man in question while Kaidan and Tali laugh. Even Shepard is smiling over his fries, though a blush sits high on his cheeks as he glances at Kaidan, his features softened and happy in the low light of the pub, his eyes sparkling, and Kaidan can't help thinking he's as handsome as he's ever been, if not more so.

It was Garrus' idea to come here, to some pub Kaidan doesn't even remember the name of—probably because it's so much closer to Garrus and Tali's place than his and Shepard's—for the four of them to eat some good greasy food and have a couple drinks. Or more than a couple drinks, as is Tali's current predicament. He and Shepard are only buzzed, Garrus only one drink ahead of them, but Tali is already bordering on drunk, that slur to her accent and particular giggle of hers that he knows well enough from their college days to indicate her rapidly declining level of sobriety.

All in all, the night has been perfect—Shepard meeting him just outside the bar with Tali and Garrus already inside, being lead in by him with a hand to his lower back for the briefest of moments, ordering a reuben and fries, only for half of those fries to be eaten by Shepard while Kaidan and Tali share some stories of their antics through college, even that one time Tali had to make a decoy to distract the campus police while they pedaled away on their bikes as fast as one human and one quarian could manage.

But now the night is winding down and so are the stories, and Garrus' mandibles are doing that thing as he looks at Tali, considering her state and deciding it's as good a time as any to call it quits. One by one they get up to close out their tabs, and by the time Kaidan arrives back at the table, having been the last one to close out, the other three are standing up from their seats and stretching out.

"I have to use the restroom before I go," Shepard announces, "But you guys can go on home." With that, Shepard bids them good night and promptly disappears behind a doorway close to one end of the bar. As Garrus and Tali begin toward the door, Kaidan waves them off.

"You two can go," he explains, "Shep and I have to go back a different way than you anyway." Garrus makes this little chuckling sound, mandibles doing that flailing thing once again, and Tali tilts her head at him in what might actually be a smile behind the helmet.

"I'm glad you two made up," Tali says, leaning toward him and putting a hand on his forearm to give it a quick squeeze. "I think you're good for him."

"You're not the first one to tell me that," Kaidan replies a little shyly, glancing at Garrus.

"And am I usually wrong?" Garrus inquires in a half-laugh, making Kaidan chuckles just a little.

"Yes," Tali intones, and Kaidan laughs a little harder at how offended the turian looks before telling them to be safe on their way back home, waving them off again at the door.

After maybe another minute or so, which Kaidan spends taking the last of the fries off his plate that Shepard didn't manage to steal, the man himself reappears, half-jogging up to Kaidan, all smiles as he says, "You waited."

"Sure," Kaidan half-laughs, "We're going the same way, after all," and together they walk out of the bar and down the street, back to home.

Walking back with Shepard now, the quiet chatter of the late-night streets all around them, Kaidan can only think of going to Apollo's—seeing Tali again for the first time in years, jokes and stories passed between all three of them, how Shepard looked in that leather jacket that is unfortunately too hot to wear in the current weather, Shepard walking him inside and giving him the tightest, warmest hug, then leaving him at the door with a playlist and an insinuation about the importance of the last song. If not for Finch and Kai Leng, the night would have been completely perfect, like tonight was, even if Shepard isn’t wearing that jacket.

“We’ve had a few drinks,” Kaidan says a little suddenly, making Shepard glance at him and hum a little questioningly. “How about we go to the park and sit for a while?” To that, Shepard tips his head in what is a manner of shrugging in agreement, so Kaidan turns them towards the closest park, only a few minutes away.

It’s a turian park this time, with trees and flowers and other flora Kaidan recognises from the one time he and several other marines were to attend a formal ceremony on Palaven. Where they’d ended up naturally didn’t have many trees or plants being in the heart of a city, but there were several rooms he’d wandered into during his stay that had various types of greenery, some even blue and purple or otherwise. Still, he doesn’t know the names of any of them, so it’s not like he can impress Shepard with the knowledge anyway.

Wandering through the park, Kaidan eventually finds a bench and sits, Shepard following suit after him, bumping their arms together on his way down, and it might have been an accident if not for the way Shepard doesn’t really move away after, and how Kaidan doesn’t mind that he doesn’t. Remaining close is just fine by him.

For a while, they simply sit together and watch people go by, their hands in their pockets and their elbows just barely touching, but eventually Kaidan says what he wants to say.

“I guess I promised you a story for a few drinks, huh?”

Shepard turns his head only slightly to look at him, seeming to consider his statement for some time before saying, “You did. I’d been wondering what you meant about that program you were in—what you told me sounded pretty serious, but it seemed like there was something more.”

Kaidan tips his head back, taking in a breath to steady himself just a little for what he knows he’s going to say. It happened years ago and he’s come to terms with it, but thinking about it and actually sharing it with a close friend is something else entirely, a symbol of trust in that friendship and a way of explaining who he was, who he has come to be.

“The program… started with good intentions,” he begins. “I guess I did, too, but... human biotics were a pretty new thing back then so no one had any idea how to deal with us or train us properly, so the Alliance recruited some turian instructors, which is all well and good, if a little strict for a bunch of fifteen year-olds who’d just been separated from their families.

“Anyway, there was a girl I met there, another biotic—Rahna. She and I became friends, and I guess… I mean, I would have done just about anything for her.” He pauses, scrubbing a hand across his jawline, feeling the beginnings of stubble there. “We weren’t supposed to be sending outside communications, but I hadn’t spoken to my parents in a year and I... well, Rahna and I sent one using a makeshift transmitter. One of the instructors—Vyrnnus—found out about the transmitter and punished us all for it, making us train til we were exhausted.

“We were all exhausted from using our biotics, and Rahna, she… when she reached for a glass of water using her hand instead of her biotics, Vyrnnus broke her arm for being ‘pathetic.’ I lashed out at him, and… by the end of it, I broke more than just his arm.” He pauses again, ticking his jaw to one side and looking out at the people passing by—humans, turians, hanar—all going about their business, keeping their business their own while he’s here sharing his life story with Shepard.

“After that, the program was shut down and Rahna never really talked to me again. It hurt, but I don’t really blame her. When I turned eighteen I joined the Alliance and shipped out, tried to change myself for the better. And now… now you’re all caught up,” he finishes, repeating the phrase Shepard had used when he shared the story of his youth and finally turning to look at the man next to him.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard offers, but Kaidan merely shrugs a little.

“It’s okay. It made me realise a lot of things, made me who I am. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

It takes Shepard a moment, his blue eyes looking into Kaidan’s and studying him, taking in what he’s just said and what he means. That he wants Shepard to trust him again, too. He seems to realise it, a warm, slow smile building on his lips, an unvoiced thank you, and Kaidan smiles back at him, easy and just as grateful.

“So, how was work today?” He asks, trying to make this a lot less of a one-sided story-telling, and for some reason Shepard laughs; the two of them talk about their day, Kaidan’s weekend plans before Shepard sighs and remembers he actually has to work tomorrow, and all feels right in the world again, until weeks later when Kaidan feels the world tilt just a little to the side, less to do with Shepard and more to do with the impending threat of him losing his balance for a few hours.

He’s in his last class of the day, leaning against his desk as all of his students rise to place their homework next to him and leave, and he knows. Somehow, he just knows, always seems to figure out when a migraine is about to begin. Especially the bad ones. It starts as a feeling, something you notice but can't place, like your whole world has been shifted two inches to the left. You know something is wrong and you know what it means, but you can't quite tell how you know.

The second sign he receives just as he exits the building, backpack over his shoulder and papers all shuffled away, appearing as dark horizontal lines that blur across the edges of his vision, his implant starting to tingle and pulse against his skin, echoing down his arms so the rhythmic pins-and-needles starts up in his fingertips. He clenches and unclenches his hand, picking up his pace and hoping to shake it off until he can get home. At this rate, the feeling creeping up his arm, progressing this quickly, he's not sure he will.

By the time he's standing on the landing of the subway terminal, he can feel it in his jaw, lancing into his teeth, and all he can do is stare straight off into the tile on the other side of the tracks, hoping he can make it at least inside his front door before he passes out completely.

"Kaidan," a deep, familiar voice says, a hand clutching his arm, and he has to shake himself mentally—a regrettable motion, even inside his mind—to look at the person.

"Shepard," he exhales in greeting, looking over the wrinkles of concern on the detective's brow.

"Are you okay?" Shepard asks, eyes flitting around Kaidan's face, taking it all in, and Kaidan can't tell if he's speaking in a normal volume or in a soft tone that only sounds so loud in his current state because of the ringing in his ears.

"I'm alright," he answers like he normally would—headaches this bad aren’t the norm for him, but they’re not unusual. By now he’s used to dealing with them. No need to worry Shepard. "Just a bit of a headache." This doesn't seem to convince Shepard much, but then the train comes roaring into the station, leaving him without the chance to say much in protest either way.

Still, they take their seats together, and Kaidan can't tell if Shepard is looming over him or if it's the headache playing tricks on him. It both annoys him to think that Shepard needs to get in his space and makes him feel just a little bit hopeful, like he used to all those weeks ago, now over two months past, and nearing three.

Across the way, Kaidan catches the eye of an older human woman he thinks he should recognize, especially given how she's smiling at him and Shepard.

"I'm glad to see you and your boyfriend back together," she comments to him.

"Thank you," he says before he can really think better of it, but right now thinking is the problem, because even that makes the headache thrum viciously. The woman merely nods, still smiling, before looking away and off to other things. Shepard isn't moving on to other things like Kaidan would like him—no, instead, Shepard is still looking at him, except Kaidan can't bringing himself to look back, only partially because turning his head would exacerbate everything.

A hand settles on his forearm, gentle and warm, another hand being cupped and offered to him as Shepard says, "I think you should take these."

"I don't want any medicine," he declines, not needing to look at Shepard's hand to know what he's offering because that's what everyone offers and what he never accepts.

"It's not medicine," Shepard murmurs, moving his hand closer to Kaidan, but he can only glance down briefly before the pain lances through his skull. "It’s my headphones. They’re noise-cancelling when put on together. Take them.”

“I’m fine,” he tries again, actually turning his head toward Shepard as if to prove something, but it only makes it worse, and he knows Shepard won’t be convinced. When he glances at him, the man only has a placid expression on his face, and somehow it’s comforting, so in the end, he reaches out, fingers arching over Shepard’s, and takes the headphones.

“I’m going to hold your hand,” Shepard says as he puts in one headphone.

“What?” Kaidan fumbles the word out, not because he didn’t hear Shepard and wants him to speak up—if anything, the world can afford to be a little quieter—but because he can’t believe that.

“What I mean is, every time the pain gets really bad, squeeze my hand, okay? It’ll help take your mind off it.”

“I just have a headache, Shepard, I’m not giving birth,” he grumbles, putting in the other headphone and drowning out the world before Shepard can reply, but then the second headphone is in and Shepard’s fingers are curling around his, knuckle to knuckle as they intertwine and lace together, and the world fades out for a few different reasons other than Kaidan’s vision blurring around the edges.

Distantly, Kaidan realises this is the first time they’ve held hands, and of course it’d be for something like this instead of… well, something else.

With the noise dissipated almost completely thanks to the headphones, Kaidan finds himself grounded, Shepard’s warm palm under his hand an anchor, a needed distraction from the pain. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes and tries to focus on everything he’s feeling externally—the train moving forward and their momentum pulling them back, the feel of the seat and his backpack next to him, the weight of it leaning against him. How every once in a while, Shepard’s thumb gently strokes the side of his hand like Shepard himself isn't paying attention to the action, only to realise and stop.

It might be the fact that Kaidan is busy focusing on not passing out on the subway, or maybe that he’s achieving that by focusing on Shepard, but it feels like only minutes later that they arrive at their station, Shepard giving his hand a little tug to let him know they’ve arrived and to stand up with him. When Kaidan raises his free hand to begin taking out the headphones and hand them back to his friend, Shepard only gives the hand he’s holding a little squeeze, speaking softly to him as they step off the train, Kaidan squinting against the harsh white light of the subway terminal. “Go ahead and keep them in. You can close your eyes if you want—I’ll get us home. Just squeeze if it gets bad and I’ll redirect.”

“I’ll do that,” Kaidan states tiredly, closing his eyes briefly and pressing a thumb under his brow, right into the gap of bone above his eye to push back the pain and try not to think about how Shepard said _I’ll get us home_ , like there’s an _us_ and an implied mutual _home_ for both of them.

Shepard leads them slowly out of the terminal and up the stairs, ascending them being the only time Kaidan thinks he should really keep his eyes open. At the top, he closes them again, pressing his hand over his eyes again and saying, “Can we go a little faster?” Shepard only gives his hand a gentle press—or maybe he replied but Kaidan can’t hear him over the combined efforts of the headphones and the building migraine—but his steps quicken. Kaidan follows along, every once in a while peeking just a little to see where they are but mostly only seeing Shepard walking just a little in front of him, the image of their entwined hands. It’s a shame he’s forced to close them before he can commit the image to memory because some areas of town are too brightly lit or too full of chatter and the headphones can only do so much.

After what feels like about two-thirds of their way home, Kaidan stops suddenly as the pain causes the world to tilt drastically to one side. He reaches out with his free hand to place it on Shepard's forearm, who stopped as well thanks to their laced fingers. When he tries to open his eyes to look at his friend, offer him an explanation, he finds he can't because the halos around all the lights are too large, too intense, and he has to wrench his eyes back shut as the brightness becomes pain.

"Give me a moment," he manages to get out while using the rest of his energy to force the dizziness away, because they're only a few minutes out from his apartment— _just make it those last few minutes and you're home-free._

But Shepard seems to know exactly what he needs, tugging his hand and Kaidan stumbling along with it off to the side. He stops eventually, and Kaidan can feel the other man turning bodily to face him, Shepard's free hand appearing on his upper arm as if to say _you can rest now,_ and then that hand is snaking around to his back, tugging him in, and Kaidan is letting himself be tugged in, until he feels the warmth of Shepard's chest against his own. His head drops of its own accord—or maybe that's just how dizzy he is—to find purchase on Shepard's shoulder so he can rest and recuperate and try not to think too desperately about how nice this would be if the pain weren’t making his mind so fuzzy.

After a few minutes of letting the dizziness run its course, he turns his head away from Shepard, keeping his temple where his forehead was, and opens his eyes to find out where they are. As he does, the strange mix of absurdity and absolute normalcy of the situation hits him. To anyone passing by, this would probably look like a post-dinner-date rendezvous in a dark alley, instead of a guy with a migraine so bad he'd rather cut out his own brain than be alive being lead home by a friend so aforementioned guy doesn't end up passed out in a gutter somewhere. It was a smart move on Shepard's part, he realises—anyone passing by would see them and refuse to turn down the alley for a shortcut, leaving the space dark and quiet as can be. For that, Kaidan is mixed embarrassed and grateful, turning his head back on Shepard's shoulder to press his forehead there again, all this head-turning and eye-opening business having made the dizziness surge again.

A few more minutes pass, and Kaidan feels Shepard move a little, the hand rubbing his back slowly ceasing—when did it even start? Kaidan must be more out of it than he thought or was willing to admit before—right before a breath of air is huffed against his ear, like maybe Shepard is saying something to him.

Kaidan raises his head, saying, "I'm good now," having guessed what Shepard said to be a _how are you feeling_. He could have said just about anything. Kaidan can't hear thanks to the headphones and Shepard’s whispering, anyway.

Either way, they take a step apart from one another—if a little reluctantly on Kaidan's part, migraine or not—and begin the rest of this arduous journey home.

They arrive to Kaidan's building sooner than expected, Shepard having kept up his quick pace, and Kaidan finally drops Shepard's hand and takes out the headphones, handing them back to the man they belong to. This neighborhood is always quiet—Kaidan chose it for a reason—so he knows he'll be able to make it the rest of the way. He uses his omni-tool to swipe them into his building as fast as possible, because even the gentle orange glow of the dimly-lit tool is enough to make his skull ring with pain again, throwing off his balance and his stomach as he shuffles a little dizzily into the building at last, Shepard following.

"Where are your keys?" Shepard's voice is only a whisper against his ear, a gentle breath on the side of his neck. He hasn't said anything else until now, probably thinking being quiet in front of Kaidan's migraine is for the best, and for that Kaidan is grateful, but he feels a flare of anger when he has to suppress a shiver at the idea of Shepard so close to him again, caring and concerned, because the effort to tamp down his feelings makes his head pound something fierce.

Still, Kaidan knows his place, and he still has enough of himself in check to reel it in and let it go in favor of reaching into his backpack, stumbling down the hall a little as his hand clamors around inside in search of his keys. Shepard catches his arm, pulling him upright, steadying him, his other hand coming up to rest against his shoulder so his arm is draped across Kaidan's back to give him support, his voice blessedly gentle when he says, "Let me."

For a moment, Kaidan feels his stubborn side trying to kick up a fight— _I can do it myself, Shepard, I did for years before I met Ashley_ or _you, I'm not a child_ —but the words sound cruel even in his head, so he doesn't dare let them out, trying to focus instead on resisting the tilt of the world and the pain echoing through his jaw, vision sliding and blurring together.

"Ash is out of town but I'll be okay, you know," he says instead, and he isn't sure if Shepard just doesn't hear him because his voice is too low or if Shepard just decided not to say anything. Either way, Shepard's hand is snaking down his arm, pulling Kaidan's fingers out of the pocket of his bag and replacing them with his own to search for his keys. He manages to find them faster than Kaidan could himself right now, and he's thankful for that because the less time they spend out in the brightly lit hall instead of Kaidan burying his head into a mountain of pillows, the better.

Shepard's free hand finds his again, the other sorting through his keys as quietly as possible, and Kaidan knows the drill, squeezing that hand as the world shifts sideways again, pain lancing through his temple and pounding into his jaw, his teeth.

"M358," Kaidan murmurs, "Like the pistol, the Talon."

It takes Shepard a moment, but he seems to sort out what Kaidan means instead of attributing it to pain-induced nonsense, finding the key marked M358 before they even reach the door to Kaidan's apartment.

Shepard quickly gets the door open once they're there, and Kaidan has never been more thankful that their apartment is so dark. Normally with a headache this bad, he ends up bumping into the couch, the counter, the wall, everything in his apartment before he makes it into his bed, his balance thrown off by the pain because he has nothing else to focus on to distract himself. Now, though, he has Shepard to guide and steady him, and the man does just that, leading him down the hall. At the end, he pauses, unsure which closed door leads to Kaidan's bedroom, and Kaidan finishes this journey for them, letting go of Shepard's hand in favour of leaning against his door to open it, stumbling in and catching himself on the edge of the bed.

"M'okay," he mumbles, hearing Shepard's footsteps on the carpet rush forward to help him. He pushes himself upright again, putting a hand over his eyes once he is to press his fingers into the space of bone between eye and brow, pushing the pain back by some equalization of pressure. It's only a partial relief, but Kaidan knows he can handle himself from here, so he turns back to Shepard, trying to focus his energy to convince the detective he's okay enough to be left on his own. "I can... take it from here. Thanks, Shep."

When he doesn't hear the quiet sounds of Shepard's footsteps walking away, he opens his eyes, finding the man before him only shifting from foot to foot, one hand raised to rub the back of his neck. His blue eyes, a cloudy grey in the dark, travel up from the floor to meet Kaidan's, and he tries to give him as soft a reassuring smile as he can. Still, he seems unsure, looking away again, off toward the window, and Kaidan's heart clenches in his chest, making him let out a breath.

"Just... can you get me a glass of water?" Kaidan asks gently, and Shepard leaves the room quickly to do so, allowing Kaidan a moment to himself to sit on the edge of the bed and _focus_. He wants Shepard to leave, and needs to figure out how to get him to agree. It isn't that he doesn't want Shepard around—quite the opposite—but he doesn't need to see Kaidan like this, not snappish and out of himself and on the verge of throwing up from pain.

As quickly as he left, Shepard returns, kneeling down in front of him to offer him the cool glass of water.

"I think I should stay," he says finally when Kaidan has finished the glass. “In case you need anything else.”

"I'm okay, Shepard," he replies, and he tries to chuckle, but he's sure it comes out flat and unconvincing. From the look Shepard's giving him, it's definitely unconvincing, and from the way his head is pounding erratically, he can tell why Shepard isn't swayed. "I've dealt with this before on my own. I just need to go to sleep and I'll be fine."

It takes a while, but eventually Shepard stands, rubbing the back of his neck again.

"Okay," he says, and Kaidan's head begins pounding double time. Of course. Just as he's gotten Shepard to agree to leave. "Okay. But call me if you need anything, alright?"

Kaidan nods, saying _thank you for everything_ and _good night_ , then finds himself regretting it as he feels his stomach retaliate.

 _Shit,_ he thinks, and everything is downhill from there.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan finds himself against a sink numerous times in one day and Shepard orders steak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **EDIT 11/04/16: we never really came up with a satisfactory epilogue, so we decided this is the final chapter. thank you for reading and sticking it out with us for so long! ♥**
> 
> and so we reach the end! I’m currently working on a DeanCas Big Bang fic, if you’re into Supernatural, so come October that should be up! (also draft deadlines are really soon so I probably won’t work on an epilogue until then, hehe.)  
> but anyways, for now, just my regular thank yous x1000000 to everyone who’s read, left kudos or commented on this fic, you’re all stellar and it’s be a pleasure to interact with and write for you guys. come say hi to me on tumblr, okay? ♥  
> \- Michelle ([captainshakespear](http://captainshakespear.tumblr.com/))
> 
> hey, all! we're very happy to see this done, and very, very excited to see what you all think of it. Seriously, we can never thank you guys enough for always reading and commenting and sharing - you make us both the happiest writers on the face of the planet, I swear! Definitely drop by and say hi to me on [tumblr](http://jokerondeck.tumblr.com/)!  
> Also, for those interested, there are also two short stories I wrote last night that deal with this universe, both of which can be read any time before or after this chapter [here](http://jokerondeck.tumblr.com/tagged/long%20train%20runnin'%20side%20stories).  
> \- Charley (illiadeum/jokerondeck)

He doesn't know if he makes it to the bathroom. Hell, he doesn't even know if he makes it to a trashcan. He just hopes he doesn't vomit on Shepard's shoes—what a lovely _have a good night, Shepard_ that would have been. All he does know is that now he's waking up in bed, face buried in a pillow, the room around him still dark. Apparently someone had the decency enough to apply the blackouts on the window. _Probably Shepard before he left,_ he thinks with a sinking feeling—he didn't want him to see any of that, hates admitting that the migraines do get the best of him sometimes.

He rolls over, sighing as he notices he woke up only a few minutes before the alarm set on his omni-tool. He shuts it off quickly, not wanting to jostle any lingering headache as he gets up to get ready for the last day of school for the week. He realises he's still in his clothes from yesterday, so he changes into a V-neck and a clean pair of jeans quickly before wandering out of his room and toward the kitchen, absently rubbing the sore muscles and skin around his implant, worrying the sensation away with his fingers and wondering if Shepard made it back to his apartment alright.

Then, Kaidan finds, Shepard didn't make it back to his apartment at all, because as he turns into his living room, he finds the man asleep on his couch, an arm tucked under his head, one leg up against the back cushions, the other stretched out.

It feels cliché, but he looks peaceful, the lines usually around his mouth and eyes almost completely erased. He considers for half a moment to just let him sleep, because he knows Shepard and his job well enough now to say he probably hasn't slept this long in a while. But, he knows it would be rude to let him wake up to an otherwise empty apartment after he stayed here the whole night just to make sure he was okay, so he moves over to the couch, bending over him to gently shake his arm, saying his name.

Shepard wakes up in an instant, almost jolting upright, and if it weren't for Kaidan's military training, he's sure he would have been startled right along with him. Once the man notices it's just him, he settles, and Kaidan smiles at him.

"You didn't need to stay," he says gently, half-laughing.

"Trust me," Shepard says as he sits up, "I needed to stay." He pauses very briefly, maybe considering, then continues, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine, mostly," Kaidan replies, stretching his arms long and high over his head and rolling his shoulders back as if to prove it before putting his hands on his hips. Shepard watches the motion along Kaidan's torso, and Kaidan figures he's sizing him up, making sure he's as okay as he says he is, and he brushes away the thought of that lingering gaze as nothing more. "Don't really remember what happened after you said to call you, so I figured you'd left."

"Well, first you said good night, then you stopped and said, 'I think I'm gonna throw up,'" Shepard explains, absently rubbing one of his arms. "I took you to the bathroom and after a while you just kinda passed out on the floor."

Kaidan laughs to cover his embarrassment. Shepard didn't mention if he actually threw up, and he's a little too nervous to ask. "Welcome to the wonderful world of being an L2 biotic."

"Seems real fun," comes Shepard's sarcastic comment, with a faint and sympathetic smile.

"And I'm one of the lucky ones," he replies, his own smile a little sad, a little somber. He doesn't want the rest of the morning to be that way, though, so he nods over his shoulder to the kitchen. "How about some breakfast, eh?"

"You'd be a dream come true."

Again, Kaidan laughs, turning around to walk into the kitchen. "I know. I've got a little extra time before work, so bacon and eggs?" To that, Shepard gives no response except the sound of popping joints and an accommodating groan, to which Kaidan teasingly replies, "Is that so? You flatter me, Shepard." That actually gets a small laugh out of the man, and soon enough they're sitting together to eat. They both finish quickly, not feeling the need to say much, the silence as comfortable as it's always been between them. It's something Kaidan realises he likes about Shepard—now that they're friends again, they're comfortable together, neither feeling forced to fill the space. Or maybe that's just Kaidan. But Shepard seems just fine, even if his face is a little hard to read sometimes.

Right as Shepard takes his last bite, Kaidan polishing off his glass of orange juice, Shepard's omni-tool chirps with a new message. Kaidan gets up to leave him to answer it without hassle, collecting their plates to wash quickly and stick in the dishwasher.

"It's Samara," Shepard announces, sounding somehow disappointed, scrolling through the message to give it another once-over. It takes him a second and a look from Kaidan for him to realise that Kaidan doesn't actually know who that is or the relevance of that statement, but eventually Shepard does clarify. "She's a lawyer that works with the precinct, running prosecution cases for us. She works a couple blocks over and wants me to pick up some evidence and other stuff from her."

"Is that an issue?"

"Kinda," Shepard shrugs. "I was hoping to have enough time to run by my apartment and at least brush my teeth, but... if I pick up the stuff from her I won't have time," he continues, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand. "At least I'll still have the extra outfit I keep in my locker at the precinct, but still."

"Can you just... pick it up later?"

"Not really," he answers with a sigh. Kaidan mulls it over in the quiet lapse in conversation, shifting from one foot to the other to lean back against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest as he thinks. Despite the apparent urgency of Shepard needing to go, he makes no move to leave, and Kaidan just plain doesn't want him to, either.

"There's probably a spare toothbrush laying around here somewhere," he suggests after a while.

"What?" The look on Shepard's face is just one of shock, like he wasn't expecting that at all and, well... he probably wasn't. Kaidan wasn't really expecting himself to say it either, but he continues regardless.

"We generally keep a few spares around because of Ash's sisters," he explains with a shrug. "They like to just show up unannounced sometimes, so we always have one or two lying around if you want one."

Shepard takes in the information, just looking at Kaidan, but eventually he nods, and Kaidan waves him up and toward the bathroom. When they get there, Shepard stands in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest, all lean and nonchalant like he belongs there as he watches Kaidan squats to dig through the cabinet below for a spare toothbrush. In a way, Kaidan thinks he likes him there, though it feels a little strange knowing he’s watching as Kaidan rummages about in his own bathroom. It makes him realise he's blocked in, which in turn makes him feel somehow hopeful in a way he can't even begin to explain to himself, Shepard crowding him into this small space.

Eventually Kaidan does come up for air with a still-packaged toothbrush in hand, offering it to Shepard with a smile. Shepard smiles back, wrapping his fingers around it—and inadvertently Kaidan's fingers—as he leans off the doorjamb at last and into the bathroom. Kaidan stands his ground as Shepard makes his way into the space, and the bathroom feels simultaneously larger and smaller than it's ever felt before.

"You can just use my toothpaste," Kaidan says as Shepard opens the package and pulls out the brand new brush.

"Needed to get a new one of these anyway," Shepard notes once he's gotten it out, like a thought said aloud, waving the brush in his hand around.

"Saved you the effort," Kaidan smiles, reaching for his own brush and toothpaste.

Yeah, okay, so maybe this is a little weird, or a little something else Kaidan can't think of a good descriptor for, the two of them standing in his bathroom bumping elbows as they brush their teeth. It makes Kaidan's chest feel tight, his abs shaking just a little as his stomach does a few small flips up and into his throat. But it's nice. It's comfortable. And if it's a little wrong of Kaidan to think that, well... he's been wrong before. Not often, but a couple times, maybe.

That thought has him smiling around his toothbrush, and he bends over to spit into the sink— _real sexy, Alenko_ —licking his lips to get rid of the rest and turning toward Shepard. "Scoot over," he says with a quick hand to Shepard's hip to push him out of the way of the front of the sink. Shepard moves easily, more toward the door again as he continues brushing his teeth, and Kaidan takes his place and turns on the faucet to bend over and very quickly wash his face. The water is infinitely refreshing, cooling down his heated cheeks—cheeks heated thanks to thoughts of a certain detective next to him, a detective who spent the night on the couch just to make sure he was okay, who made him that playlist all those months ago.

He stands back upright, wiping a hand over his cheek to get rid of some of the water. He thinks briefly of shaving, his cheeks feeling stubbly as he runs his hand over them—but, no, he doesn't want to leave Shepard standing here doing nothing but brushing his teeth forever, so instead of reaching for his razor like he normally would each morning, he reaches for a hand towel to wipe his face off. His stubble is fairly thick and dark, like it always is when he doesn't shave in the morning, but he can always shave tomorrow, when Shepard isn't waiting expectantly to use the sink.

He steps aside, allowing the other man room to step up to the sink and use it. Like this though, Kaidan realises, Shepard is still pretty much blocking the door to the bathroom, so instead of walking out and giving Shepard a little privacy, he leans forward against the countertop to inspect himself in the mirror, making a point to straighten a few pieces of loose hair the biotics didn't catch, tousled out by sleep.

Somehow, though, his eyes keep drifting to Shepard's reflection in the mirror, bent over the sink washing his face. Unlike Kaidan, his one-day stubble—or however old it is—isn't nearly as thick, more of a shadow across his cheeks than actual facial hair. Kaidan would bet that if he touched it, it wouldn't rake or scratch across his palm. Not like Shepard's might across Kaidan's cheek if he touched him.

The instant he thinks that, Shepard looks up, catching his eye in the mirror, and Kaidan quickly looks away.

_Shouldn't have been staring in the first place,_ he thinks, fists balanced on the edge of the counter.

Shepard bends easily back down to wash his face once more before rising. Kaidan hands him the towel without looking, but when Shepard takes it from his hand, he can't help but glance over again. It's a little surreal: this man, whom he met a little more than a year ago. They were just two strangers who happened to ride the subway together a couple times a week. Now here he is, standing in Kaidan's bathroom, drying his face with Kaidan's towel and looking at Kaidan with a confused expression, because Kaidan has been staring this whole time.

"What?" Shepard asks, one brow raised and one hand swiping the towel down his jawline like he's outlining it, and Kaidan thinks, _Okay_.

_Okay_ , and he kisses him.

He kisses Shepard.

The instant before their lips touch, Kaidan thinks _shit_ , but Shepard is the one in front of the door. Shepard is the one with an exit plan if Kaidan has fucked this all up.

Then their lips are actually touching, they're actually kissing, or at least Kaidan is kissing Shepard, maybe not necessarily the other way around, not quite a _they_ situation, and it's just a soft touch, a small, unforced—and entirely unplanned—declaration of how he feels. That he likes Shepard. _God_ , does he like Shepard, there’s no getting around it. And now if he's ruined it, ruined their friendship, or what of it they recovered, then at least he tried.

But then Shepard is pushing back, putting a little more behind it, enough that he's pushing Kaidan back a little with the force he's putting into the kiss, so _they_ are kissing, and Kaidan's heart is thundering in his chest, ringing in his ears and echoing into his distantly-aching head. Butterflies are erupting in his stomach, his abs shaking with the effort not to just let go, to just melt into Shepard, because—

Because, God, it's _Shepard_.

Shepard is kissing him back, a little reserved after the initial force, but then tilting his head and pushing forward, turning so they're standing together, chests just shy of touching. A towel lands on Kaidan's foot just before a hand lands on his hip, the other appearing on the counter next to him, a support so Shepard can just keep pushing. And Kaidan's just letting him. One of his own hands is on Shepard's waist, pulling him inexplicably closer while the other hand finds its way to the countertop, just shy of Shepard's, and he realises he has no idea when or how his hands got there, or if he even moved consciously. All he knows is that now Shepard's tongue is in his mouth, and Shepard's hand is on his hand on the countertop.

He doesn't know how long it lasts, but eventually they're pulling away from each other, and Shepard is saying, "You taste like toothpaste," as he licks his lips, eyes on Kaidan's lips before looking up to meet his eyes.

"So do you," Kaidan replies automatically, completely dazed, "And I wasn't the one that started using tongue."

"Hmm," Shepard hums cleverly just before leaning forward to kiss Kaidan this time, and the hand on his hip is pushing, guiding Kaidan so his back hits the counter and Shepard is twisting around him, their fingers entangling without them paying attention.

Almost automatically, Kaidan finds himself pushing a leg between Shepard's as they kiss, making the kiss deeper as Shepard groans into his mouth. That single noise, that _single_ fucking noise lights a fire in Kaidan, the same one he felt when he saw Shepard in that leather jacket at Apollo's. One that he knows will consume him alive he if he doesn't stop now.

He pulls back, wanting to say _we have to go to work_ but really only managing to say “ _Shepard_ ,”in a sigh as the man in question kisses down his jawline to nip at the joining of his neck and ear, and Kaidan's eyes slide shut because, _God_ , does that feel good. But, really, if Shepard doesn't stop now, they're gonna miss work, so Kaidan lets go of Shepard's hand, using both to push against the detective's shoulders. Shepard goes reluctantly, his eyes hooded, looking as dazed as Kaidan feels as he pulls back, his lips so damn red from kissing Kaidan's lips and Kaidan's neck and Kaidan's thick stubble, and Kaidan just cannot help leaning back in to kiss the corner of his mouth, his chin, his jaw.

"We really need to go to work," Kaidan says with very little enthusiasm, still mouthing along that gentle five-o' clock shadow. He keeps thinking it, thinking _I need to go to work,_ but he just can't stop kissing and touching Shepard's skin, his hands running down from shoulders to sides to waist without him meaning to.

Shepard just hums, and when Kaidan looks, his eyes are shut in bliss, his thumbs absently rubbing circles into Kaidan's hip. He looks so secretly pleased with himself, so at ease, and Kaidan presses his nose along his neck, repeating his earlier words against his warm skin, "We really need to go to work."

Shepard lets out a long breath, something like a sigh, and Kaidan finally lifts his head away from the man's neck, only to have Shepard bury his face in Kaidan's neck instead. It seems to be less as a means to continue what they were doing and more as a means of remaining close, and it makes Kaidan’s heart swell, his chest filling with warmth. Shepard's hands find their way onto Kaidan's lower back, one of his own hands running up the broad expanse of Shepard's back, trailing his fingertips up his spine but keeping his palm to the warmth he can feel emanating through the detective's t-shirt.

"You just make it so hard," Shepard sighs, and Kaidan can't stop the smirk that finds its way onto his lips.

"Oh yeah?" Suggestive, teasing. It feels right, Shepard standing against him, knowing what this all means, _will_ mean. Not even _this_ necessarily—not what this tease might mean, but what Shepard kissing him back means, choosing to kiss him again after the first one ended. That Shepard likes him, wants to be near him as much as Kaidan does. It fills Kaidan with a warmth that tingles, the feeling seeping through his entire body and setting him alight with a different sort of fire than before, one that now just wants to keep Shepard close and lazily, happily kiss his skin, knowing Shepard will let him, no aim or goal but remaining near each other.

"Yeah," Shepard answers in a slight chuckle, then lifts his head, smiling at Kaidan. He immediately thinks about kissing him again, knowing it will just dissolve into what it did before as that answer curls into a tight coil of heat in his stomach. Luckily, Shepard seems to think the same, because he quickly uses the hands on Kaidan's lower back to manhandle him, turning him toward the door and giving him a little push, his fingers probably just _accidentally_ grazing his ass, and Kaidan's laughing as he's pushed out the door of the bathroom.

Once he's out of the bathroom and on his own, Shepard shutting the door quietly behind Kaidan to use the toilet, it dawns on him that he could have messed everything up, ruined one of his most important friendships, and he goes to his room on slightly shaky legs. Now that the moment's died down, all he feels is restlessness, a quiet nervousness about how to proceed from here on, not just with Shepard, but _with_ Shepard, as a _together_ sort of _with Shepard._

With his bedroom door shut behind him, Kaidan wipes a hand down his face, taking in a deep breath. He likes Shepard. He’s liked Shepard for some time, and now there’s no denying the feelings are mutual, because after Kaidan kissed Shepard, Shepard kissed _him_ in return. And it was nice. Hell, it was amazing—Kaidan will be thinking about it all day. But there’s still the fact that they haven’t talked about it, talked about _this_ , how they want to handle it. While he’s pretty sure Shepard wants the same thing, to be _together_ , he still wants to make sure, still wants Shepard’s opinion and to talk this out, but even in his head he’s unsure how to broach the subject now that they’ve already kissed—multiple times, at that. When he walks back out and sees Shepard in his living room looking like a dream, what’s he supposed to do? Continue to act like it doesn’t bother him that they haven’t discussed this? No, he’d rather be honest with him; their relationship—their friendship and now whatever this is and is going to be—is founded on trust in one another, built slowly before it was broken, only to be rebuilt by talking things through. He likes that, their mutual trust, wants to keep it that way. Plus, he wants Shepard to know that he can rely on him, to know what this means to him, to just… _know_. Kaidan isn’t a dive-in-head-first kind of guy—sure, sometimes he just says _fuck it_ and goes by gut, makes those intuitive decisions, but not with something like this, something this important. Not with Shepard.

He sighs and tries to bodily shake himself into action as he moves about the room collecting his belongings for the day—sometimes, action is what’s best. Shepard is a man of action, of getting things done when they need to be. Maybe it’s time to be a little more like Shepard in that regard, at least for this.

But when he leaves his room, closing the door behind him and catching a glimpse of Shepard leaning against the counter, arms crossed over his chest and brow furrowed, Kaidan realises Shepard is just as unsure about how to proceed as he is. It also makes him realise that now isn't the time to really hash this out like he's like to when they've got jobs to get to—Shepard to Samara's and then the precinct, Kaidan to school before the first bell—but they're still in this boat together.

Man, he's really got to stop thinking _together_ so much, huh?

"Hey," Kaidan calls out, a little tentatively. Shepard immediately looks up, and his expression turns from distant to soft, if a little confused, the corners of his lips turning up just barely. It might not even be perceptible if Kaidan hadn't been looking at his lips so much, because he's kissed them and they're still bitten red.

"Hey," he greets in return, and those little wrinkles are forming in the corners of his eyes now as Kaidan steps closer.

He stops just short of being in Shepard's personal space with a small, "You ready?"

Shepard nods, saying, "After you," waving Kaidan toward the door of his own apartment, and Kaidan gets an inkling of a feeling about how Shepard seems to like walking behind him. He has an idea or two why that is, the thought making him chuckle a little to himself as they leave.

Out in the hall, walking out of the building and into the daylight while bumping arms and brushing hands in a way that feels like a combination of accident and intent, Kaidan feels a little more at ease, knowing he has time to think this over—rather, to think over how tell Shepard exactly how he feels. Obviously they know they like each other—they were just making out in Kaidan's bathroom, after all—but moving forward still requires work.

When they get to the corner of the block, Shepard stops, pointing with a thumb over his shoulder.

"I've gotta head off this way," he says. Kaidan nods, though he’s surprised at the wave of disappointment that washes through him. It’s not like Shepard’s leaving for long.

"How far does Samara live from here?"

"About fifteen minutes, not far. It's usually twice as long from my apartment."

Kaidan makes a humming noise, digesting the information. This means goodbye for now, then. "Hey, Shepard," he begins anew, making Shepard perk up a little. "How about we do dinner tonight to talk and, uh..."

"Dinner at my place, then?" Shepard asks, then seems to get a little shy as he continues, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "You made breakfast this morning so it seems only fair. Plus, Joker's out of town for a while so you don't have to deal him for the first time yet."

"'Deal with him?'" Kaidan repeats, ignoring the tingling feelings of joy that flit through him with the word _yet_ , knowing it means _you'll meet him another time_. The prospect of being good enough that Shepard wants to introduce him to his closest friends—which, Kaidan realises belatedly, has already happened with Garrus and Tali—makes him really happy. Shepard has already met Ashley, but maybe he could introduce him to Liara some time, and they could...

"He's got a sense of humour," Shepard clarifies, snapping Kaidan out of his reverie. He misinterprets Kaidan’s blank look as confusion. "You'll know what I mean when you meet him."

Kaidan's heart pounds a little again, nothing making him so happy as the implication that there will be many more opportunities to be at Shepard’s apartment.

"Tonight then," Kaidan agrees. "What time?"

"Just come over when you normally get back. I'll send you the address later."

"It's a date then," Kaidan says, trying to be firm about what this is since they don't have the time to talk it through this instant. Shepard seems to take it in slowly, shifting from foot to foot in a mix of surprise and joy that makes Kaidan's chest tighten with the same feeling.

"I'll see you tonight," Shepard says in lieu of anything else, and that makes Kaidan smile even wider.

"Yeah," he answers, very smoothly and cleverly, because it's all he can think to say in the wake of that little smile on Shepard's lips, the kind that's so small and happy that he wants to cross the few feet between them to kiss it off his lips.

But, no, they're already heading toward being late to where they each need to be, so they turn away from each other, though Kaidan can't stop smiling all the way to the train, where his omni-tool beeps in the din of the terminal. When Kaidan sees it's a message from Shepard—his address and another _I'll see you tonight_ —his heart leaps into his chest, and he realises he probably looks like a fool, grinning like he is in the subway, but it doesn't matter. They're having dinner tonight. Shepard is cooking them dinner tonight in his apartment, and their first official date is Kaidan's first time there.

God, Jack is gonna kill him.

All the rest of the way to work and then all through school, Kaidan finds his mind drifting back, conjuring up the image of Shepard asleep on his couch, the feel of his warm, soft lips on Kaidan’s, the way he shuffled around when Kaidan said _It’s a date_. It’s worse when he goes to lunch with Liara and Jack, because Jack calls him out on looking far too happy.

So, he tells them, about how Shepard spent the night, and how they have a date tonight. Jack outright hollers with laughter, and even Liara gives a little giggle—if it’s at him or at Jack, he doesn’t know. But then the inevitable questions come from both of them—no, he had a migraine last night, yes, he made breakfast, no, Ashley was away for the weekend and can’t confirm this, _no_ , that does not mean _anything_ happened.

The rest of the day goes smoothly, but with it, Kaidan’s nerves begin to bubble up. Getting off the train, he tries to settle them by making a run to the liquor store he usually stops at a block up from the station, picking up a six-pack of Canadian lager to bring with him, hoping the weight and familiarity of the drink will help ground him. Shepard grounds him, too, but also riles him up, and it’s hard to gauge which end of the spectrum tonight is going to be. He can’t tell which end he _hopes_ _for_ , either.

Just as Kaidan is inside Shepard’s building and is raising his hand to knock on his door, he hears his name being called from down the hall. He looks to find Shepard himself carrying a bag of groceries, and Kaidan hopes he can't hear how his stomach is beginning to rumble at the idea of food.

"Good timing," Kaidan comments as Shepard steps up to him and accesses his omni-tool to unlock the door, allowing him time to try and peer into the bag he's holding. Clearly this building is a lot more high-tech than Kaidan's, but Kaidan's just fine with that. Key-based locks are a lot harder to hack nowadays.

"Hope you like steak," Shepard says as he waves Kaidan into the apartment before him.

"Steak?" Kaidan chuckles as they step inside, door sliding shut behind them while they kick off their shoes. "You sure know how to treat a guy, Shepard."

"I try," the detective shrugs when he brushes past him. As Kaidan follows and places the beer on the counter, he notes Shepard’s change of clothes from this morning—a new t-shirt and jeans, plus the hoodie with the one striped arm. It’s pretty standard for him, but damn if he doesn’t look amazing in it. "We've got a grill on the balcony I've got a pretty good handle on," he adds as he places the groceries on the counter and rummages through them, leaving Kaidan the opportunity to look around a little.

All in all, Shepard's flat appears bigger than Ash and Kaidan's—or that might just be the lack of wall between the front door and the kitchen like there is in their apartment, but even the living room seems larger. It's even large enough even to hold the giant fish tank settled against one wall, two photos hung up next to it.

He examines the photos first out of curiosity; not much else is displayed around the apartment, Shepard and Joker probably having agreed—consciously or unconsciously—to keep their things in their own rooms, so the pictures being out here seems strange. The top photo is a picture of Shepard and a man in a baseball cap, both beaming with their arms over each other shoulders, flashing peace signs. Kaidan doesn't know who the man in the hat is, but they both look so young, probably only barely into their early twenties. Shepard looks thinner than he does now—definitely less muscle, his cheeks still gaunt and sharp like Kaidan's always known them to be, but the crow’s feet that form around the corners of his eyes when he smiles seem much less distinct, more fit for the young man Shepard is in the photo.

The bottom photo depicts Shepard about the same age, maybe only a year younger, in a rookie police uniform with his arm slung around a smiling man with dark skin and greying hair in a uniform he doesn't really recognise. He doesn't know who this man is either, but he can tell he's proud. Proud of Shepard, maybe, he doesn't know. Feeling a little like he'd be prying into something he doesn't need to be, preferring to leave it up to Shepard to tell him, he moves on to inspect the fish tank.

"These your fish or Joker's?" Kaidan asks as he steps up to the tank, taking in all the different species and colours inside. No way are these all fish from Earth.

"Mine," Shepard answers, his voice sounding closer than before. "They're all named Blasto, in case you were interested," he says, and a hand appears on Kaidan's upper arm for just a brief pat before lifting to point in at the tank. More specifically, at a fish that looks less like a fish and more like a mix between a strangely upright horseshoe crab and a beetle, with a sharp, pointed shell. Despite the heavy-looking shell, the creature still floats menacingly in the water as the other fish swim past. "Except that one. That's Harbinger."

"Harbinger," Kaidan repeats, deadpan.

" _The Harbinger of_ _Death_ ," Shepard emphasises, like he's reading it sort of mockingly out of an old textbook. When Kaidan looks at him, he smiles and shrugs, stepping back away and into the kitchen again, where all the groceries are now laid out on the counter. As he goes, grabbing a potato and a knife to begin cutting out steak fries, he continues speaking, and Kaidan slowly follows after him. "He tends to eat one or two of whatever new fish I buy, but only when they're new. I think it's a thing about establishing his place at the top of the food chain, so the new fish don't mess with him. I have some tech installed that's supposed to help regulate stuff like that since they're all from different planets, but I dunno. Joker keeps saying Harbinger's gonna crawl out of the tank and come for me one day." Kaidan actually laughs at that, and Shepard smiles at him. It's brief and pleased with itself, filling Kaidan's chest with warmth, but they really should get on with dinner, so Shepard looks away and nods toward the drinks he brought. "What'd you bring?"

"Canadian lager, courtesy of the only liquor store in the city that sells it." Shepard looks at him, a look that asks if that's a good or bad thing. "I'm forcing you to get used to it now." Shepard huffs a laugh, the kind that shakes his shoulders up and down a little, and Kaidan smiles as Shepard finishes preparing their dinner—steak with fries, plus roasted green beans at Kaidan's behest when Shepard mentions needing to use them before they go south.

When Shepard finally moves out to the balcony to put the steaks on the grill, the fries and green beans in the oven, Kaidan follows after him with two beers in hand, handing one off to Shepard with a grin as he settles himself down into the only chair out there. Kaidan watches as Shepard takes a sip—because he wants to see the look on his face, not because he likes to see the line of his throat—and chuckles as Shepard contemplatively smacks his lips after the first sip.

"Not bad," he comments, giving a half-shrug with the brief inclination of his head as he leans back against the balcony railing.

"Thanks, I think."

"I said not bad, didn't I?" They're both grinning just a little so it's all okay.

After that, they dive into asking about each other's day. Shepard says he didn't do much aside from paperwork for the evidence Samara handed him and report-filing, and when Shepard asks him how his day went, he conveniently leaves out the part where Jack drilled him about how _exactly_ his morning went since Shepard stayed the night and how long it'd been since he'd last had sex. Honestly it was a number of years—too busy with focusing on his career in the Alliance for most of it, knowing romance when you find yourself predominantly in combat zones is a bad idea, especially if that romance is with a civilian—but he deigned to simply not answer Jack's question. He loves having Jack as a friend, but she doesn't need to know the intimate details of his romantic life, or his sex life, or that he has a very strong preference for sex only after the romantic and emotional relationships have already been established. Or that with Shepard, most of it is already established.

Most of it.

Before he can open his mouth to try and suggest they talk about this, Shepard clears his throat. "I saw you looking at the photos in there."

Kaidan falters. He really didn’t mean to pry. "Sorry, I, uh—"

"You don't need to be," he chuckles, a soft, sort of nostalgic sound to it. "That's Anderson in the uniform. He's... that was taken the day I graduated from the police academy," he finishes, and the importance of it dawns on Kaidan.

"He was the one that pulled you off the street, got you into the academy?"

"Yeah."

After a pause, Kaidan comments, "He looked really proud of you."

"Yeah," Shepard says again, looking away, out over the city as he crosses his arms over his chest. It doesn't seem like a defensive posture, just one that's comfortable and a little contemplative, and Kaidan gives him the time that he needs to say what he looks like he wants to say. "That was the proudest day of my life. Anderson’s kind of like a father to me, and to see him looking like that, to see him so proud of me... it meant everything. Still does." Shepard trails off, and slowly turns to Kaidan a little more with a laugh. "Don't tell him I said that."

"Don't want me to embarrass you by telling him you think of him as your dad?" Kaidan asks a little teasingly.

"No, no," Shepard chuckles, a bright, happy sound as he looks down to his feet, tapping one a few times as he continues. "He'd probably just laugh and say, 'I know' or something—he's just like that. But I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around, you know? My dad embarrassing me in front of my boyfriend?"

_My boyfriend,_ he said. Kaidan's heart swells.

"I mean, if that's what you want to be," Shepard amends, finally glancing up to Kaidan, and he can see the faintest of blushes in the dimming light of day, making his stomach do a few little flips.

"That is what I want to be," Kaidan breaths out in a half-laugh of relief. "You know, I didn’t mean to kiss you,” he begins again, stumbling at Shepard’s shocked expression, a barely detectable hint of worry underlying it. “No, wait, that’s… not what I meant. What I mean is, ah… since Apollo’s, your playlist, I’ve wanted to talk to you about this. About us. If ‘us’ is something you really want.”

“It is,” Shepard says, succinct, and Kaidan knows that’s the cue to continue.

“Shepard, I haven’t been with anyone in a long time, romantically or anything else, and it was okay for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m picky or patient or if I was just too busy, but I wasn’t interested. I mean, I wasn’t— ah, I do want to share my life with someone, knowing I can trust them, maybe even come to love them, but I just hadn’t found anyone I was interested in and…” He sighs, knowing he’s rambling but too happy to hold back anymore, “And then you got caught in the rain on the way home from work.”

“I still have your umbrella,” Shepard says after a moment, a hint of a grin on his face.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s in my room.” Kaidan huffs a laugh, smiling and shaking his head just the smallest amount, and Shepard has his eyes on him now, studying him for a long moment before looking away, down to his feet again. “It’s a little strange, isn’t it?”

“That you still have my umbrella?” Kaidan asks, one eyebrow raising.

“No.” Shepard laughs just a little. “Just that well over a year ago we didn’t even know each other. You were just a good-looking guy I saw sometimes on the train.”

_Well, at least he thinks I’m good-looking_ , Kaidan’s brain helpfully supplies, because he has little idea what else to say into the silence, only filled now with the noise of the city beyond them. This was all much less awkward in his head. All during the school day he was thinking of what he should say, how exactly to say it to convey exactly what he means and feels, but now none of that seems to make sense anymore, like he was thinking about something else an entire lifetime ago. Maybe nothing about love really makes sense in the end.

After a moment, Shepard takes in a breath, smiling just slightly again. “It feels right though, doesn’t it?” He asks, his eyes finally lifting to meet Kaidan’s, searching each other for a sign that this is okay.

“It does feel right,” he answers, and Shepard’s smile at that is all that matters in the world for a good, long moment.

But eventually Shepard has to turn away to flip their steaks, and when he turns back, Kaidan looks up at him again and asks, “Do you prefer boyfriend or partner? Or maybe something else? ‘Boyfriend’ sounds a little… teenager to me.”

“‘Partner’ might get some people confused between you and Garrus,” Shepard points out.

“I dunno, it’s, ah… pretty hard to confuse me with Garrus—I don’t exactly have the, um...” he half-laughs the retort, lifting two index fingers to mimic the appendages on either side of turian faces. “I don’t know what they’re called. God, I hope that wasn’t offensive of me or anything.”

That gets Shepard to laugh loudly outright, and Kaidan feels a little reassured. “I don’t even think Garrus knows what they’re called. Face-flaps, maybe?”

“Now that sounds offensive,” Kaidan laughs.

“I think we’re okay,” Shepard says, and then he’s leaning off the railing again, leaning down and in to place a hand on the arm of the chair Kaidan is sitting in, and Kaidan’s heart flutters despite knowing what Shepard is coming in for. But then there are lips pressing softly to his cheekbone, and he’s sure Shepard must be able to feel how he blushes with joy at the gentle contact before he pulls away again, standing back upright and heading immediately back inside, saying, “I’ll be back in a sec. Need to get everything out of the oven. Want me to grab you another beer?”

“Please,” he says, just before Shepard disappears through the door, Kaidan left outside for now to stew in his own feelings.

Shepard returns fairly quickly though, passing the promised beer off to Kaidan as he walks back through the door. As he takes a swig, his stomach makes a small noise of complaint—probably the abundance of alcohol and lack of food since lunch, in addition to the wafting smells of the steaks, _almost_ ready to be eaten. In the meantime, Shepard brings up the subject of _Star Trek_ , asking if he’s seen the reboot movies from the early 2000’s. He hasn’t, having only watched a majority of the various vid series, and by the time Shepard has fully convinced him to watch them with him, their steaks are done. If he were being honest with himself, the idea of watching a movie and laying around on the couch with Shepard was enough to convince him on its own, but he did want to hear what Shepard had to say on the matter, which mostly amounted to learning that Shepard loves them “even though they’re awful” and “there’s not enough of Bones. What are Kirk and Spock without Bones?” On that at least, Kaidan agrees.

With the steaks done, they head back inside together to sit at the counter—there’s only one chair outside after all, and Kaidan didn’t feel like making Shepard stand the _whole_ meal—and Shepard laughs and laughs when Kaidan tells him just how much he loves steak and how great the meal is. In the end, though, they circle back around to debating the finer points of _Star Trek_ : _the Next Generation_ , mostly about their opinions on treating Data like a sentient being rather than simply an android meant to perform tasks, and it turns out they both agree that it’s largely a good thing.

Once they’ve both polished off their plates, Shepard talking about Data’s friendship with Geordi La Forge, Kaidan gets up to take their plates and silverware to the sink and wash them after a small protest from Shepard that he doesn’t have to before Kaidan insists and Shepard restarts what he was saying about the two lieutenant commanders.

By the time he’s on the second plate, he realises Shepard has stopped talking, and when he turns, he finds Shepard quietly stepping up to him, placing one hand on the counter for support. Kaidan smiles at him and turns back to washing the plate, and when a hand appears on his hip, the thumb rubbing in small, slow circles, Kaidan urges him on about Star Trek with a small, “I was still listening, you know.”

“I know,” Shepard replies, but makes no effort to continue what he was saying regardless, his thumb never ceasing its light movement. Kaidan registers that maybe Shepard’s nervous, that they still don’t know what to do about this, how to go about this. Then Shepard’s thumb ceases its motion, his hand pressing completely against his hip to slide around to his lower back, up and up, until it stills on Kaidan’s shoulder, and Kaidan can feel the path of warmth it left, feeling the sensation of something after it’s left.

“I can’t believe you’re doing my dishes for me,” Shepard murmurs a little dejectedly. “I could’ve done them.”

“I don’t mind doing the dishes so much,” Kaidan shrugs, the motion taking Shepard’s hand along with it. “Folding the laundry and vacuuming? That I hate.”

“Folding laundry is easy,” Shepard counters as Kaidan finishes the final plate. “I don’t think anyone likes vacuuming though.”

“We’ll work it out,” Kaidan replies, then immediately regrets it. Was it too soon to say something like that? Probably. He turns his head to apologise, then sees Shepard was leaning in, his lips finding themselves on Kaidan’s by accident, knowing Shepard had been aiming for his cheek before he turned.

When they’ve both realised it, Shepard doesn’t pull back too far, their foreheads coming to rest together. Slowly, their noses come together as well, a little more awkwardly as they try to turn their heads in sync with one another, their mouths just an inch apart or more as they shift. Kaidan can feel Shepard’s hand sliding down his back, palm flat as it drags down his spine to rest on his lower back. He tries to turn in Shepard’s hold, nearly elbowing the poor man in the stomach in the process, but narrowly misses, so it doesn’t matter anyway.

“It’s okay,” Kaidan whispers, the motion of speaking those two words making his lip just barely touch Shepard’s, and apparently that’s all Shepard needs to close his eyes and lean forward more, so they’re kissing.

Just like this morning, the touch of their lips starts small, only a gentle pressure, nervous, but soon enough Kaidan feels heat roiling up inside him, making him lean into it just a little more, urging Shepard on. Opening their mouths to deepen the kiss is a little strange at first because they’re not used to each other like this, leaving them out of sync from one another, opening and closing when the other is closing and opening, just narrowly missing and getting closer to being on target each time. It takes them a while, but they’re both quick to adapt, and so they end up meshing their rhythms together, Kaidan’s tongue in Shepard’s mouth, his hands moving off the counter and onto Shepard’s sides, except— yeah, _shit_ , his hands are still wet.

He pulls back, apologising, “I didn’t mean to—sorry—”

“It’s okay,” Shepard says, and he can feel the way he laughs through his skin, their foreheads knocking together as Kaidan looks down to inspect the wet marks he left on Shepard’s shirt, the dampness in the shape of his hands, like a mark. It was awkward, but now it’s… kinda hot.

Shepard shifts a little against him, his foot bumping Kaidan’s as he leans back in to kiss the corner of Kaidan’s mouth, leaving them right where they left off before Kaidan ruined Shepard’s shirt for the rest of the night. In retrospect, he thinks, he should’ve used a line, something like _That’s okay, I wanted you out of your shirt anyway_ , which isn’t exactly a lie. He does want Shepard out of his shirt. He wants himself out of his shirt, too. And their socks and their pants and whatever else they’re wearing.

Kaidan uses the hands on Shepard’s sides to pull them completely together, making their chests and stomachs and thighs press together, Shepard’s hand tightening its grip on his hip as he sighs into Kaidan’s mouth, a noise Kaidan is desperate to hear again and again and again.

All of sudden, Shepard jerks back, cursing under his breath and surprising Kaidan as well. When he follows Shepard’s line of sight, he discovers that while trying to move his hand, Shepard ran his arm under the faucet, which is still running.

“Shit,” Shepard grumbles, shaking his arm and only managing to fling some of the water onto Kaidan before reaching to turn off the water.

“Sorry,” Kaidan tries to say, but he’s sort of laughing, so he probably sounds really insincere. “I guess I got kind of distracted.”

“It’s okay,” he responds, turning his smile back on Kaidan and making his heart race more than it already was from just kissing.

“Phrase for the night, huh?” He jokes.

“I’d agree with that,” Shepard says, his voice dropping low in a way that makes Kaidan feel dizzy with feeling and making him lean back in close. Shepard seems to take it as an all-clear, immediately diving back into kissing. Kaidan sure isn’t complaining, even when Shepard’s own wet hand appears on his side, rubbing down to rest on his hip. The kiss is a little stuttering at first, but once again they find the correct rhythm, this time a little faster, a little deeper, Kaidan moaning against Shepard’s lips and tongue when he moves just the right way, and, yeah, okay, maybe it’s time to stop standing while they’re doing this. When Shepard kisses his way off Kaidan’s mouth, down his chin and to his neck, nipping gently along the skin he finds there, Kaidan decides that, yes, it is _definitely_ time to move somewhere else, preferably a little more horizontal.

“Shepard,” Kaidan tries to start, cutting himself off with a hitched breath he didn’t expect to let out as one of Shepard’s hands manages to find its way under his shirt. He lifts a hand to Shepard’s head, meaning to pull at the short hair he finds there but really only scraping his fingers along Shepard’s scalp and encouraging him to _yes please do that again_. Suddenly, both of Shepard’s hands are under his shirt, rubbing and scraping nail along skin and _warm_ , and Kaidan’s hips buck of their own accord, making Shepard let out a moan against his neck that reminds Kaidan of what he meant to do.

“We should get to the couch at least,” Kaidan manages— _barely_ manages—to say at last, though his fist is clenching in Shepard’s hoodie, the other still pressed along the back of his head, trying to make him continue as he tries to walk them there. Both fortunately and unfortunately, Shepard lifts his head, his lips bright red from use along the facial hair Kaidan still hasn’t managed to shave just yet, and just the sight makes Kaidan want to stop and push him against the nearest surface to put those lips to good use again. But, no, he doesn’t want to have to meet Shepard’s roommate for the first time after he’s had a very intense make-out session on his counter. But the couch? That's more acceptable, so he repeats himself, a little more concise this time. “Couch.”

“Yeah,” Shepard breathes out, his voice raw in a way that consumes Kaidan so much he just has to kiss him again, leaving it up to Shepard to guide them there. Despite Kaidan kissing him rather forcefully and getting one of his hands up under Shepard’s hoodie and shirt—and, _God,_ does he have great abs—Shepard does manage to walk them back towards the couch and still kiss him at the same time, right up until both of them collide with the counter at once and groan more out of surprise and slight pain than anything else.

The collision doesn’t really appear to phase Shepard much more than that though, as just as soon as they end up there, he’s sliding his tongue back into Kaidan’s mouth and turning them so he’s guiding Kaidan backward, all the way until the backs of his knees hit the couch, making him bend a little automatically. Shepard takes it as an easy invitation, letting go of him completely to give him a little push. It's not forceful enough to make him drop back, just a suggestion, so he lets himself fall back down onto the cushions, laughing as he goes, "Okay, okay, okay!"

With a grin, Shepard crawls over him and Kaidan scoots himself up on the couch, enough at least that his feet aren't dangling over the arm so his legs don't fall asleep later. Shepard manages to place a hand on either side of his head to support himself, but Kaidan doesn't want him that far away, so he runs his hands up the thighs kneeling over his own, back and then up over Shepard's ass, grabbing and pulling downward a little until Shepard gets the picture. Luckily he does, laughing softly as he readjusts so he's lying on top of Kaidan, legs tangled together, chest pressed together, lips close. Hips grinding down on his own, making both of them groan.

"Is this okay?" Shepard whispers against his lips.

"Yes," he answers in a sigh as they move their hips together, moving his head just so to capture Shepard's lips again, and everything feels fucking _amazing_. Kissing Shepard messily while they're pressed tightly together, Shepard's hand finding its way back up his shirt to scrape along his abs and chest, Kaidan rolling his hands along the cheeks of Shepard's ass to encourage the motion, their dicks sliding together through their pants as he does.

Then Shepard's fingers reach up to roll a nipple between finger and thumb, making Kaidan jerk against him with a surprised but pleased groan, and he decides it's time to get Shepard out of that hoodie. He reaches around with both hands, grasping at the fabric and tugging the zipper down until it falls apart between them, and they have to—unfortunately—stop kissing for Shepard to shrug out of it, dropping it without a care onto the floor below. When it's dropped, he reaches back down to grab at the hem of Kaidan's shirt, now bunched up around his underarms—when did that happen? He's not complaining but notes to himself that Shepard works fast—but then Shepard is pausing, licking his lips and looking into Kaidan's eyes as he asks once more, "Is this okay?" And while Kaidan appreciates the effort, he wants to make himself clear.

"Shepard," he says, flatly and a little curt as he reaches forward to take Shepard's face in both of his hands. "I want to fuck you within an inch of your life. So, yes. It's okay." Shepard's lips fall open just a little, his hips giving a small twitch against Kaidan's that makes him feel sort of powerful, just knowing he has this much hold against Shepard's mental faculties.

Kaidan leans forward first to plant a long, solid kiss to his lips, then dips back, crossing his arms to make quick work of his shirt by himself and throwing it somewhere behind him. Shepard's a pretty smart guy and gets into gear pretty quickly, and he sits back upright on Kaidan's raised thigh between his legs, making to do the same and pull his shirt off. Before he even manages to take the shirt off completely Kaidan has his hands on his chest again, roaming the broad expanse of it with appreciative fingers. He knew that Shepard was broad just from the set of his shoulders, but he never thought he'd be like this even so, tight and muscled and burning hot under his palms.

"C'mere," Kaidan breathes out, rough and low, and Shepard quickly drops back down, and the warmth and perfection of skin-to-skin contact alone has him gasping again. He always forgets how amazing it feels until it happens, having the direct flush of skin against your own, whether sexual or not. The fact that it's Shepard, this man that's been driving him crazy since that evening in the rain, and then again in a different way since Apollo's in that goddamn leather jacket, makes it all the better.

Then Shepard is starting to grind down on him again, the friction tantalizing and crazy, and Kaidan starts to forget how to say anything other than Shepard's name for a good few seconds, that mouth coming down to his neck and biting along a muscle. He reaches around to rub his hands down Shepard's firm back, scraping his nails along his lower back in a way that makes Shepard shiver against him, til he reaches his ass again and cups the cheeks through his jeans, pulling them apart and down. Shepard makes a noise along his neck, wet and amazing, and Kaidan squeezes harder, until Shepard is thrusting faster and practically panting against him.

All of sudden, Shepard rears back, making Kaidan lose his grip on his backside as he takes to kissing down his neck to his chest.

"I've been waiting so long to hear you say something like that, you know," Shepard notes between kisses, Kaidan sliding his hands up his back, "God, since I fucking met you, offering me that damn umbrella."

"I've been waiting since... this morning," Kaidan huffs out, and Shepard stops, staring up at him for a second like Kaidan has said something really confusing. Shit, he probably has.

"Wait, so..." Shepard raises himself back up over him, making Kaidan’s hands pause their ministrations as he leans over him again, their dog tags clinking together faintly. "Were you... really not into me at all until this morning? What you said before about not meaning to kiss me—"

"What? No, that's not..." Kaidan insists. "Wait, I mean that— ah, I was definitely interested in dating you before... it just didn't really occur to me that we could have sex until recently? I wasn’t sure if you even…" He trails off in a sigh, unsure how to finish that thought. He had a feeling that Shepard liked him back, but he was unsure about everything for a long time. Is it really that appropriate to voice that concern now that they’re lying half-naked on top of one another on Shepard’s couch?

"Really?" Shepard asks, sounding more intrigued than confused now. He makes a noise of contemplation, lowering himself back down slowly so they're pressed up all along each other again, as Kaidan prefers them to be. "Well, damn," he says close to Kaidan's neck. "Here I was hoping to get you to tell me all the times you'd gotten off thinking about me."

Kaidan laughs nervously, then grins as he thinks about it a little more, his hands resuming their strokes up and down Shepard's back. He asks somewhat teasingly, his voice low, "Have you gotten off thinking about me, Shepard?"

He can feel the way Shepard grins against his throat, how he presses a kiss along Kaidan’s jawline before he answers. "Any number of times."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Shepard affirms in a slight chuckle, pressing his nose along along his jawline in a way that makes Kaidan hum. "Thinking about you fucking me, holding me down, _me_ holding _you_ down... how amazing it would be just to kiss you, even just once."

"Just once, huh?" He asks wryly, pulling back somewhat to smile down at Shepard, take in how gentle Shepard's smile is in return.

"I think I prefer kissing you more than just once, actually," Shepard says, and he definitely deserves a kiss for that one, so Kaidan leans in to press his lips to his.

The kiss is soft and sweet now, no urgency to it despite neither of their erections having flagged, even when the kiss starts to involve tongue and lip-biting. Shepard eventually breaks the kiss in favour of licking down his neck, kissing over his chest, making Kaidan hum in delight as he continues sinking lower.

When he feels the warmth of Shepard’s hot breath over his erection through his pants, he gasps aloud, pushing himself up on his elbows to look down at him, watch him as he kisses around the impression of his cock. It’s hard not to be a little mesmerized by the action, especially— _especially_ when Shepard looks back up at him, locking their gazes as he presses that warm, slightly wet pair of lips right to the tip of his cock, which twitches against his mouth in response.

“I really hate to stop you there,” Kaidan begins, a little breathlessly as Shepard begins reaching up to undo his belt, “But we should really move to your bed before Joker hates me for coming on your couch.”

“Fuck Joker,” Shepard grunts, popping the button on his jeans, which only makes Kaidan laugh.

“You're a terrible person, you know that? A total renegade,” Kaidan jokes.

“Please, I’m a paragon of virtue,” Shepard snorts again his stomach, because he’s left Kaidan’s jeans alone in favour of kissing his way back up to Kaidan’s mouth to give him a long, languorous kiss before he finally sits upright, taking Kaidan’s hand to pull him up with him. “C’mon, bed. Let’s go.”

“Aye-aye,” Kaidan responds as he lets himself be pulled up and onto his feet, because sometimes old habits die hard. As soon as he’s up, he uses their entwined hands to pull Shepard against him, finally putting his mouth to Shepard’s neck to suck on the skin. Shepard hums, giving his hand a gentle tug to indicate it’s time to start moving toward the bedroom for real this time, and Kaidan continues to run his tongue over the sinewed muscle he finds there, even as Shepard starts walking them backward. Right when Kaidan put his hands on Shepard’s hips, giving them an experimental roll to see if he can handle it while standing, Shepard’s arms come up to wrap around his neck, his head craning to one side to give Kaidan more access—exactly what he needs to bite down, leave a small mark he can go back over later.

On the way there, they bump into the wall twice and the door once, all because they’re busy fiddling with belts and buttons and jeans while trying to keep Kaidan’s lips on Shepard’s neck, but they do end up making it to Shepard’s bedroom, stopping at the end of the bed. By now, Kaidan’s given him two small hickeys, which Shepard doesn’t seem to mind at all given how he keeps humming when Kaidan runs his tongue over them, or how his hands rub or scratch happily at Kaidan’s shoulders when he bites down anywhere else.

After another few nips, Kaidan raises his head, leaning forward to press his nose against Shepard’s as they roll their hips together, gasping, the friction of it tight and amazing until the skin of Kaidan’s lower stomach catches on Shepard’s loose zipper and makes him hiss.

“Off with these,” Kaidan insists, reaching down to try and shimmy his way out of the rest of his own clothing. Shepard follows suit quickly, and as soon as they’ve both stepped out of their pants, Shepard tries to step back up against him, but Kaidan stops him with a palm to the chest, using it to give Shepard a good shove with a smirk. Shepard falls backward willingly, bouncing when he hits the mattress, his hard cock bouncing right along with him.

When he settles, scooting up the bed a bit more, Kaidan takes a moment to look him over, take it all in—his toned and just slightly splayed legs, the long, broad plane of his torso, the way his abs shake just slightly when he realises Kaidan is just _looking_ at him, the smug upturn of his lips at the corners. Kaidan loves that, the way it makes his eyes look brighter in the dim room, mischievous and ready for anything that comes his way.

All at once Kaidan rushes forward, planting his knees firmly on the edge of the bed, but he doesn’t crawl his way up on top of Shepard like Shepard probably expects him to. No, instead he bends his head down, pushing Shepard’s legs a little more open than they already were so he can have access to nip at his inner thigh, making Shepard’s leg and cock jump. He can't help but laugh slightly at the reaction, breath gusting out over the joint between Shepard's thigh and groin, so he decides to cut him some slack and give him what he initially came down here for: taking Shepard in hand and then into his mouth.

Right as he makes contact, sucking the head of his cock in, Shepard lets out a long groan, one of his hands coming up to tangle in his hair. Kaidan can tell he's trying hard not to push or pull because his other hand is clenches the sheets hard enough that his knuckles turn white when Kaidan swipes his tongue over the slit. Now, maybe it's because Kaidan hasn't done this in a long time—a very, _very_ long time—but he's pretty sure that's a good sign of one of two things: Shepard is just that excited, or Kaidan hasn't quite lost his touch. He might be hoping for the latter.

Trying to step up his game a little, he focuses on trying to take more of Shepard into his mouth, bobbing his head just slightly to ease himself into going down farther, keeping his tongue flat along the vein on the underside of Shepard's cock. That gets Shepard's legs to tense up on either side of him, his fingers tangling more in his hair and scratching along his scalp.

When he finally allows himself to glance up, he sees Shepard watching him, his lips parted breathlessly and his eyes half-lidded in desire, and Kaidan feels like he's on the verge of losing it himself. It seems unreal to him that he could do this to a man like Shepard, that Shepard would ever even consider a guy like him, and yet here he is.

Overcome with emotion, Kaidan takes his mouth off him with a _pop_ , rising to lean forward and kiss him—his lips, his face, his chest, anywhere he can reach. Shepard means so much to him, especially now that they've settled things, and he wants him to know it, tell him and kiss it into his skin as a reminder.

Shepard seems to have the same sort of thought about kissing, using the hand still in his hair to guide him up and bring their mouths together for yet another blinding kiss. Kaidan starts to roll his hips, grinding down into Shepard, their erections sliding together in a way that almost has him hissing with pleasure, even more so when Shepard thrusts up to meet his every move.

But when Shepard raises a hand and wraps it around their rutting cocks, Kaidan _does_ hiss, breaking the contact of their mouths as Shepard's hand starts to pump both of them at once. It feels fucking incredible, like everything with Shepard always does—even grading papers and drinking beer and riding the subway, Shepard's presence in his life just making everything better, somehow clearer and sharper and more important than before.

"God, Shepard," he moans, resting their foreheads together as he starts thrusting into the circle of Shepard's fist.

Shepard seems incapable of doing anything but breathing hard and jerking them together, his eyes shut tight like he's never felt anything so good in his life, and Kaidan wants to memorize that face, make it happen over and over and over for all sorts of different reasons, because he couldn't agree more. He only wants Shepard now, wants to hold his hand and talk to him about nothing in particular and share stories and movies and get him to wear that leather jacket and just kiss him over and over for no reason at all, just because he knows he can, because he knows Shepard wants the same thing, and he feels like he's falling, and he knows he's going to lose it soon, that heat pooling low in his stomach and—

" _Kaidan_ ," Shepard gasps, his back arching just a little before settling back down like a twitch, the lines on his face deepening as he screws his eyes tightly shut, his hand quickening between them. "Kaidan, I'm gonna—"

"Yeah, yeah," Kaidan breathes out between them, his nose brushing Shepard's, sharing the same hot breath on the verge of being a kiss and—

" _Fuck,_ " Shepard tries to say, but the word gets cut in half as he comes between them, the sounds of it lost in the breathless release of orgasm, his hand continuing to pump both of them. His face slowly screws up on one side, and Kaidan can't help but to kiss the wrinkles of it, Shepard's hand starting to slow until it's nothing but the occasional twitch of his fingers.

"Yeah," Kaidan murmurs again against his skin, closing his eyes and revelling in everything he just made Shepard go through, all _because_ of him.

After a long moment, Shepard drops his hand from both of them, huffing out a quiet, "Give me a sec," and Kaidan definitely doesn't mind. They've been waiting for each other all this time—he can afford to wait a little longer for something as insignificant as a single orgasm. Just knowing he's unravelled Shepard completely is so many different ways is enough.

With their foreheads still together like this, Kaidan can feel when Shepard's breaths start to even out, his hands roaming Kaidan's body as he raises one leg to push between Kaidan's thighs.

Eventually, those wandering hands roll over his ass and grab on hard, squeezing and massaging the flesh and parting the cheeks in a way that makes Kaidan gasp out of surprise.

"I knew it'd be that fucking good," Shepard thinks aloud, and Kaidan laughs because he doesn't know if Shepard is talking about the sex or his ass. It could really be either at this point, though Kaidan can really only think that he'd agree with the former, especially when Shepard presses his ass in a way that makes him have to rut into Shepard's leg. Yeah, that definitely feels fucking good.

All of a sudden, Shepard is shoving him over bodily, slamming Kaidan down into the mattress with a force that leaves him a little breathless with surprise as Shepard rolls over on top, immediately going in for his neck. Those hands reappear under him, grabbing his ass again and forcing his hips up so he's straddling Shepard's legs, making him hump into whatever friction he can find. Shepard's lips blaze a trail down his neck to his chest, biting down onto a nipple and sending a shock through Kaidan's system—and he doesn't know why he's so surprised that Shepard can do this so soon after coming. He knows Shepard, and Shepard doesn't do anything by halves.

Honestly, he likes the roughness, the way one of Shepard's hands is scratching up his side to his chest to tweak the nipple his mouth is now leaving, only in favour of moving to the other to kiss and lick and bite and suck. Yeah, he _definitely_ likes that, can even feel that tight heat reforming at the base of his spine. He hums his approval, and after he can feel Shepard grinning against his chest.

"I— Shepard—" Kaidan strains to get out, already pushed so far, and the way Shepard is kissing him all over, making him feel like the only thing in the world Shepard cares to pay attention to, just isn't helping his case much. Luckily Shepard takes it for what it is—a cue to reach down and finish him off, taking his now aching erection into his fingers once more.

Between having been rutting against Shepard this whole time and thrusting up into the tight circle of his fist now, not to mention to way Shepard is repeating, "Come on, Kaidan, come for me, come on," like a mantra his life depends on, it doesn't take Kaidan long to do just that. He comes hard and fast, his hands pressed up against Shepard's pecs and abs, and Shepard just guides him through it like there's nothing wrong in the world.

Hard-earned orgasms always leave Kaidan drained and sleepy. He barely registers when the mattress creaks just slightly as Shepard gets up and wanders somewhere else. He knows he returns fairly soon though, as soon enough there's a wet, warm cloth rubbing over his chest, cleaning him up before it leaves again, disappearing into the sound of running water somewhere else.

When he feels Shepard drop onto the mattress again next to him, flopping onto his stomach hard and jostling Kaidan as he buries his face into a pillow, Kaidan realises he has the right idea. Pillows are a great idea. He sits up and scoots back, making to lay back on the extra pillow above his head— only to smack the back of his head into the headboard. Great.

He hisses at the pain and the way it jostles his amp. Immediately he feels Shepard's warm palm come up to rest on the joining of his arm and chest, fingers settling onto his collarbone as he asks, "Are you okay?"

God, and Kaidan can't help but laugh at himself. First he gets Shepard all wet from doing the dishes, then bumps them into the counter and the wall, and now he's just about cracked his head open on Shepard's headboard. Real good first impressions into boyfriend territory, huh?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," he answers, looking to Shepard, who's up on his elbows, to lean over him. "Just surprising more than painful, you know?"

In lieu of answering, Shepard just runs his fingers down his collarbone, his blue eyes following the movement. Now, Shepard's a pretty hard man to read—his expressions are often small, just a tilt of his head or his mouth or an eyebrow, but his eyes? Kaidan can read that, the way they seem unsure as he withdraws his hand. Kaidan reaches out after it, turning on his side so he can take those five fingers in all ten of his. He realises for the millionth time today that this it still awkward—they’d been friends so long that now, when they have what they’ve both been wanting for so long, they have no idea what to do with it. They don’t know what direction to go in, like they’re fumbling around in the dark with shaking hands, seeking each other out but still uncertain about what will happen when they actually get there.

Quickly, his heart shaking with a slightly nervous tension, he kisses Shepard’s knuckles, laughing at himself after, the air puffing out over his fingers. “We’re… we’re not very good at this, are we?” When he glances up, he sees Shepard smiling down at him, the expression soft and relieved.

“Not really,” Shepard answers, but Kaidan can see him smiling through it, so he fakes offense with a scoff. “No, really, it was terrible. I mean you specifically. You’re an awful kisser.”

“Explains your stubble burn from kissing me so much, huh?” Kaidan comments, dropping their hands back onto the bed with a smile. At least Shepard is with him on this. At least they’re together. “You’ll have to let me work on improving.”

“You know what that sounds like?” Shepard asks after a moment of quiet consideration, though there’s a lilt to his voice that’s light and pleased with itself. “I think it sounds like you’re flirting with me. Are you flirting with me, Kaidan?”

Kaidan actually laughs out loud at that because they’re naked and sweaty and holding hands in Shepard’s bed, and he’s asking that now? “If you have to ask, then I _really_ need to work on it some more. You’ll have to let me practice that, too.”

In response, Shepard only laughs, his cheeks flushing with the joy of it, and Kaidan can’t help but lean forward and pepper his cheeks with kisses, until Shepard’s wearing the most goofy, amazing smile that makes his heart pound in his chest with happiness.

“But you know,” Kaidan starts up again as Shepard rests their foreheads together after they’ve both settled down on the pillow. “You’ve set up a pretty big standard here. If you don’t serve me steak every night, I don’t think we’ll make it.”

“Duly noted. Just as long as I’m not grading papers every night.”

“I thought you liked grading papers?”

“No one _really_ likes grading papers, Kaidan,” Shepard laughs, the huff of it ghosting over his skin. Kaidan merely rolls his eyes, but then he remembers something, something Garrus had said months ago at Apollo’s. _Shepard just loves grading your papers, anyway._ Huh.

So Shepard had just been agreeing to help him grade papers to… what, to get close to him? To keep talking to him, use it as an excuse to come over and eventually fall asleep on Kaidan’s shoulder while watching Star Trek, only to ask him out on what was essentially a double-date?

Well, damn. Maybe Garrus had been right all along.

Even so, it’s probably best not to tell him. No need to make his ego bigger than it already is.

After another moment, Shepard moves out of his embrace, a smile on his lips as he adjusts to pull the sheets out from under himself. When he taps Kaidan’s hip, Kaidan moves as well, until Shepard can throw the blankets over them both. Shepard tries to settle down on his back, but Kaidan reaches out, pushing him until he rolls and ends up with his back to him, so Kaidan can easily lay an arm over his side and drag him backward until he’s against his chest, their legs tangling together. From this position, Kaidan can feel the way Shepard laughs, the rhythm it creates in his chest that echoes into Kaidan’s, leaving him feeling warm all over. “You get tired after sex, Kaidan?”

“It’s either that or you feed me again,” Kaidan sighs into Shepard’s shoulder blade, his breath leaving the skin flushed. “Biotic metabolism burns faster with exercise.’”

Shepard breathes out long and hard, like a sigh meant to help him settle down, and Kaidan still wonders if Shepard is at all reassured that he means this, that it’s okay to touch him, to kiss him without having to ask first. With Shepard, it can be hard to tell. He wants to ask, but he doesn’t want to push, to come off too strong or overbearing and have Shepard decide this isn’t what he wants after all.

He gets his answer right when he’s on the verge of falling asleep, Shepard’s fingers placing themselves on his and entangling with his own, slightly cold from being outside the covers for so long. Even so, they feel warm to Kaidan, even more so when he hears Shepard finally respond quietly, probably meant more for himself than Kaidan’s reassurance. “I like this better, anyway.”

Yeah. He likes it better, too.


End file.
